HOW TO PERSONALISE YOUR CONVERSATIONS Conversations start with...
Master Togan@Getinwithgame
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Jul 08, 2025
~4 min read
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HOW TO PERSONALISE YOUR CONVERSATIONS
Conversations start with small talk.
There’s an order to these things. You can’t just approach someone and open with, “So, tell me about your childhood.” You need to ease comfortably into it.
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Conversations start with small talk.
There’s an order to these things. You can’t just approach someone and open with, “So, tell me about your childhood.” You need to ease comfortably into it.
[Thread]
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Small talk is a social process that lets people get comfortable with one another by showing each other they both understand social norms and can respect them.
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It’s weird when people try to bypass small talk because you feel like you’ve been ‘trapped’ in a conversation by someone who can’t respect the rules of conversation. People dislike it.
Thus, you’re usually going to hit a few impersonal topics before you move to personal ones.
Thus, you’re usually going to hit a few impersonal topics before you move to personal ones.
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For example:
YOU: [standing in line behind a girl] Think we’ll be here in this line all day?
HER: It was moving pretty good earlier! I think it’s that woman at the cashier.
YOU: We should call the cops on her and have her dragged screaming away.
YOU: [standing in line behind a girl] Think we’ll be here in this line all day?
HER: It was moving pretty good earlier! I think it’s that woman at the cashier.
YOU: We should call the cops on her and have her dragged screaming away.
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HER: I was waiting for her to start demanding to see the manager.
YOU: Maybe she already has. That’s what all the holdup is about.
HER: [laughs]
YOU: So what’re you waiting here for?
YOU: Maybe she already has. That’s what all the holdup is about.
HER: [laughs]
YOU: So what’re you waiting here for?
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The conversation is actually lightly personalized right from the outset (you use a ‘we’ statement and ask her opinion on whether the two of you will be there all day).
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However, it’s followed up by some light impersonal banter back and forth about the woman at the front of the line holding everything up. Only after the woman you’re speaking with laughs at one of your jokes (a potential sign of interest) do you start to really personalize things.
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Where possible, you want to wait to begin to personalize things until you get a clear or probable sign of interest from the person you’re talking to. That includes:
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1. Asking you questions back.
2. Laughing at a joke of yours.
3. Moving physically closer to you.
4. Switching to more open body language aimed at you.
If you see any of those, it’s a good general sign you can transition to personal conversation.
2. Laughing at a joke of yours.
3. Moving physically closer to you.
4. Switching to more open body language aimed at you.
If you see any of those, it’s a good general sign you can transition to personal conversation.
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If you don’t get any obvious signs of interest but the other person doesn’t seem in any hurry to leave, just make the switch to personal at some point within a few minutes anyway. You don’t want to stay out in small talk land for too long
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5 BASIC WAYS TO PERSONALIZE YOUR CONVERSATIONS
You can easily personalize your conversations in a few simple ways:
1. Ask about wants/pursuits/tendencies. What’s she after? What’s she desire? What does she tend to do?
You can easily personalize your conversations in a few simple ways:
1. Ask about wants/pursuits/tendencies. What’s she after? What’s she desire? What does she tend to do?
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e.g., “So what do you love doing at the beach here?” or “What are you after at the supermarket today?” or “What do you tend to do at bars like this?”
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2. Ask about plans. Less personal than wants/desires, but still moves you onto personal topics. If there’s no easy springboard to wants or desires, ask about plans first to open up those other, better topics. e.g., “What brings you out today?” or “Heading anywhere thrilling?”
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3. Reference your interlocutor in your examples. When you discuss things you like or do, reference the other party to include her. e.g.,“I don’t know if you do this, but I always walk around a new venue first when I get there just to see what hidden nook & crannies it might have”
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Just by including the other person, you get her thinking about her own tendencies, investing more in the conversation, and opening up about herself to you.
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4. Make everything about how it affects the other person. If she starts telling a story about her zany roommate, ask how she feels about it and how it affects her.
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e.g., she is talking about this roommate of hers who is up all night and always brings strange guys back… ask her how she feels about that and whether it affects her. (bonus points: propose she fight back by bringing home a strange guy of her own🌚)
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5. Relate to your interlocutor and be relatable yourself. When people tell you things about themselves, relate to them. e.g., if she says helping animals is her passion, even if it’s not yours, you can still say that you love cute furry animals and applaud her for helping them
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Or that you hate people who mistreat animals, or whatever is true for you. When you discuss things personal to yourself, be sure to make them relatable so that it won’t be too hard for her to relate back to you and keep the vibe going.
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These are your bread and butter tactics for conversation personalization.
You can use them throughout your conversations, at any time, and should always keep them near-at-hand.
You can use them throughout your conversations, at any time, and should always keep them near-at-hand.
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Though they’re basic, you should constantly ask yourself whether you can use these tactics to make a conversation more personal.
It helps a lot with, for instance, people you talk to who repeatedly veer off personal topics and onto impersonal ones.
It helps a lot with, for instance, people you talk to who repeatedly veer off personal topics and onto impersonal ones.
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Some people just aren’t good at maintaining connected conversation, and will need you to direct them back to it. Or if you’re a conversation novice you may veer things off-course yourself, back into impersonal territory
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But as soon as you realize it, you can use these tactics to re-personalize things once again.
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