If the people around us feel shallow & one-dimensional, there's a...
Pep@peptalksblog
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Sep 15, 2025
~6 min read
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If the people around us feel shallow & one-dimensional, there's a good chance we're unconsciously damning them.
This causes us to miss deeper intimacy and see conflict that isn't always there.
A thread about “undamning”—and why I think everyone benefits from learning it🧵
This causes us to miss deeper intimacy and see conflict that isn't always there.
A thread about “undamning”—and why I think everyone benefits from learning it🧵
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To understand how we unconsciously “damn” people, we must understand how words work:
Words are helpful mental shortcuts to categorize things.
We don’t need to investigate everything we see.
We can just say “oh, that’s (word)” and move on.
But this comes with a downside:
Words are helpful mental shortcuts to categorize things.
We don’t need to investigate everything we see.
We can just say “oh, that’s (word)” and move on.
But this comes with a downside:
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Words can disconnect us from reality.
When we look at a scenery & assign words to parts of it (tree, flower, house), we often stop seeing their unique, rich details.
(This is not a bug. Remember, it’s the main feature: Not having to investigate.)
The same applies to people:
When we look at a scenery & assign words to parts of it (tree, flower, house), we often stop seeing their unique, rich details.
(This is not a bug. Remember, it’s the main feature: Not having to investigate.)
The same applies to people:
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The words we use to describe people become mental blinders:
It’s helpful to remember Karen as difficult, so we won’t have to find out the hard way each time.
But this also stops us from seeing all the ways in which she is easy.
(Get your mind out of the gutter.)↓↓
It’s helpful to remember Karen as difficult, so we won’t have to find out the hard way each time.
But this also stops us from seeing all the ways in which she is easy.
(Get your mind out of the gutter.)↓↓
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Looking at a flower, thinking “that’s a red flower” can stop us from seeing its rich colors.
Looking at a person, thinking “that’s a funny person”, can stop us from seeing their complex character.
But there's a way we do this that can completely block our ability to see people:
Looking at a person, thinking “that’s a funny person”, can stop us from seeing their complex character.
But there's a way we do this that can completely block our ability to see people:
Pep@peptalksblog
@rachelclif The irony of calling someone “evil” is that it stops you from seeing their humanity.
In reducing them to the label “evil”, you dehumanize the other in your mind.
Which is a characteristic aspect of evil.
In reducing them to the label “evil”, you dehumanize the other in your mind.
Which is a characteristic aspect of evil.
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People occupy roles in our lives & in society:
- Police
- Spouse
- Manager
We have a relationship with each person. But we also have a relationship with each role.
When we confuse these relationships, the person can become invisible to us:
- Police
- Spouse
- Manager
We have a relationship with each person. But we also have a relationship with each role.
When we confuse these relationships, the person can become invisible to us:
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When arguing with your partner, notice if you're seeing them as "my partner" (the role) or as a person whose inner world you can discover.
When, instead of relating to “my girlfriend”, I relate to HER,I can once again see the unique marvel of existence in front of me↓↓
When, instead of relating to “my girlfriend”, I relate to HER,I can once again see the unique marvel of existence in front of me↓↓
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This applies to any role: “teacher”, “authority figure”, “subordinate”, etc.
If we reduce the person the role, we relate to:
- Expectations of how the role should act
- Baggage in our relationship with the role
- Beliefs about the the role (e.g. “politicians are liars”)↓
If we reduce the person the role, we relate to:
- Expectations of how the role should act
- Baggage in our relationship with the role
- Beliefs about the the role (e.g. “politicians are liars”)↓
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“Undamning” a person means:
1) Stripping away the labels, categorizations, projections & judgments we mapped onto them so we can see them as they really are.
2) Separating our relationship with their role, culture or gender from our relationship with the specific person.↓↓
1) Stripping away the labels, categorizations, projections & judgments we mapped onto them so we can see them as they really are.
2) Separating our relationship with their role, culture or gender from our relationship with the specific person.↓↓
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Often our conflict is not with the person, but with what we damn them to:
- A role they occupy
- A culture they belong to
- A role we’ve projected onto them (e.g. parent)
As long as we see them only through that lens, we can not truly relate to them—and yes, it’s nuanced:
- A role they occupy
- A culture they belong to
- A role we’ve projected onto them (e.g. parent)
As long as we see them only through that lens, we can not truly relate to them—and yes, it’s nuanced:
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Some of the ways we categorize may be broadly accurate.
But if we relate to the category instead of the person, it disconnects us from reality.
And if a category would truly be 100% accurate at all times, there'd be no need for it. It would be obvious.
↓↓
But if we relate to the category instead of the person, it disconnects us from reality.
And if a category would truly be 100% accurate at all times, there'd be no need for it. It would be obvious.
↓↓
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To “undamn” doesn’t mean to condone or to ignore.
There’s a big difference between:
A) “I disagree with (category of people), so everyone in it is dumb & wrong.”
B) “There are many things about (category) I dislike but I relate to each person or opinion in it separately, too.”
There’s a big difference between:
A) “I disagree with (category of people), so everyone in it is dumb & wrong.”
B) “There are many things about (category) I dislike but I relate to each person or opinion in it separately, too.”
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Remember: Categories are useful.
It's not entirely wrong to see a Belgian as “Belgian”. They're Belgian & will likely exhibit some Belgish behavior.
The question is:
Are you relating to this specific person or is your relationship to the entire category spoiling the vibe soup?
It's not entirely wrong to see a Belgian as “Belgian”. They're Belgian & will likely exhibit some Belgish behavior.
The question is:
Are you relating to this specific person or is your relationship to the entire category spoiling the vibe soup?
Pep@peptalksblog
The vibe we get from someone is usually not just theirs, but a big soup:
1) Their vibe
2) The vibe of our attractions, aversions & projections in relationship to it
3) The vibe of their attractions, aversions & projections in relationship to 2
4) Loop + add everyone else↓↓
1) Their vibe
2) The vibe of our attractions, aversions & projections in relationship to it
3) The vibe of their attractions, aversions & projections in relationship to 2
4) Loop + add everyone else↓↓
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Sometimes it can be helpful to make your “undamning” of a person explicit.
Not only do you learn more about each other’s expectations & positions, you also learn not to take them personally.
You separate the role relationship from the person relationship. Some examples:
Not only do you learn more about each other’s expectations & positions, you also learn not to take them personally.
You separate the role relationship from the person relationship. Some examples:
Pep@peptalksblog
A tool to try when addressing a conflict with someone who holds a certain role in your life (partner, co-worker, parent):
1) Drop the role completely
2) Relate to the person as if they didn't hold it
3) Reveal your relationship to the role and impact of it
4) Check for impact
1) Drop the role completely
2) Relate to the person as if they didn't hold it
3) Reveal your relationship to the role and impact of it
4) Check for impact
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Explicit undamning looks like:
- “In my relationship to you, I feel curiosity. And in my relationship to the ideology you are expressing, I feel anger”
- “In my relationship to my husband, I feel frustration. And in my relationship to you, husband I feel compassion.”
↓↓
- “In my relationship to you, I feel curiosity. And in my relationship to the ideology you are expressing, I feel anger”
- “In my relationship to my husband, I feel frustration. And in my relationship to you, husband I feel compassion.”
↓↓
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In this thread so far, I’ve used words & roles to explain what “damning” is.
But we can damn people without reducing them to labels.
All it takes is to live in the illusion that we “already understand” who they are.
This is why curiosity is the key to undamning people:
But we can damn people without reducing them to labels.
All it takes is to live in the illusion that we “already understand” who they are.
This is why curiosity is the key to undamning people:
Joe Hudson@FU_joehudson
One of the most stagnating beliefs: “I already know.”
The moment you think you fully understand something (your partner, your work, yourself) is when you stop growing and get stuck in the same patterns.
The wisest people are the ones in wonder. Asking: “What do I not know?”
The moment you think you fully understand something (your partner, your work, yourself) is when you stop growing and get stuck in the same patterns.
The wisest people are the ones in wonder. Asking: “What do I not know?”
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Curiosity is the precursor to wonder.
Wonder is the precursor to awe.
Who is this wonderful person in front of you, right now?
How is life expressing itself through this particular form, in this particular moment? ↓↓
Wonder is the precursor to awe.
Who is this wonderful person in front of you, right now?
How is life expressing itself through this particular form, in this particular moment? ↓↓
Pep@peptalksblog
This applies to others too. Common scenario:
1) Meet someone
2) Be in awe of them
3) Hang out a lot
4) Mind creates concept of "who they are"
5) Mind relates to the concept, not the person
What if you forget who they are...and keep wondering?
Wonder is the precursor of awe.
1) Meet someone
2) Be in awe of them
3) Hang out a lot
4) Mind creates concept of "who they are"
5) Mind relates to the concept, not the person
What if you forget who they are...and keep wondering?
Wonder is the precursor of awe.
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Notice how:
1) We can only damn people with our mind
2) All labeling & categorizing depends on the past
3) Anything we can objectively observe is not damning, it's seeing
So the shortcut to undamning is:
1) Stay embodied
2) Stay present
3) Stay in unknowing
↓↓
1) We can only damn people with our mind
2) All labeling & categorizing depends on the past
3) Anything we can objectively observe is not damning, it's seeing
So the shortcut to undamning is:
1) Stay embodied
2) Stay present
3) Stay in unknowing
↓↓
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Witnessing a rose as it is, instead of through the words we label it with (red, thorny) returns us to awe.
Witnessing a person as they are allows us to see them with a similar sense of reverence.
We create intimacy with the magic of existence, through intimacy with theirs.↓↓
Witnessing a person as they are allows us to see them with a similar sense of reverence.
We create intimacy with the magic of existence, through intimacy with theirs.↓↓
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(Side note: You can practice undamning in relationship to yourself too.) ↓↓
Pep@peptalksblog
What's it like to be you right now?
Not "you" as a collection of traits you identify with.
But "you" as a process:
A mix of ever-shifting sensations.
"You" as a unique, fleeting experience to be discovered.
Before it disappears & in the next "now", you are born again.
Not "you" as a collection of traits you identify with.
But "you" as a process:
A mix of ever-shifting sensations.
"You" as a unique, fleeting experience to be discovered.
Before it disappears & in the next "now", you are born again.
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To practice undamning (AKA, learning to behold people as they are) is a gift of love.
For many people, the feeling of being truly seen rather than projected upon is so rare that experiencing it can feel healing or life-changing.
↓↓
For many people, the feeling of being truly seen rather than projected upon is so rare that experiencing it can feel healing or life-changing.
↓↓
rachel (is sending love and warmth your way)@rachelclif
people who can’t see you can’t love you send tweet
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If this is a gift you want to learn to give and receive:
This is exactly what we’ll be practicing in the 12-week online group journey "Fundamentals of Realating".
You can claim your spot here:
peptalksblog.com/connection-coh…
This is exactly what we’ll be practicing in the 12-week online group journey "Fundamentals of Realating".
You can claim your spot here:
peptalksblog.com/connection-coh…
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On a more granular level, we can practice undamning specific categories, opinions, perspectives or qualities—and see each expression or aspect of them in their own light.
(And we can do this with every aspect of reality.)
(And we can do this with every aspect of reality.)
Heidi Priebe ✈️🌞@HeidiPriebe1
I think that a fairly reliable mark of high intelligence is the capacity to recognize the signal within the noise of someone's 'wrong' take.
Pseudo-intelligence gleefully pours out the bathwater, raw intelligence finds & nurtures the baby.
Pseudo-intelligence gleefully pours out the bathwater, raw intelligence finds & nurtures the baby.
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P.S.
I couldn’t verify who coined “undamning”, but I suspect it’s either Jason Digges or Ryel Kestano.
Crediting both of them just in case. If anyone knows 100% sure who coined it, I’ll update this tweet.
I couldn’t verify who coined “undamning”, but I suspect it’s either Jason Digges or Ryel Kestano.
Crediting both of them just in case. If anyone knows 100% sure who coined it, I’ll update this tweet.
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Follow me @peptalksblog for more explorations on connecting with ourselves, each other and reality.
If you think others could benefit from this thread, I'd deeply appreciate you sharing the first post:
If you think others could benefit from this thread, I'd deeply appreciate you sharing the first post:
Pep@peptalksblog
If the people around us feel shallow & one-dimensional, there's a good chance we're unconsciously damning them.
This causes us to miss deeper intimacy and see conflict that isn't always there.
A thread about “undamning”—and why I think everyone benefits from learning it🧵
This causes us to miss deeper intimacy and see conflict that isn't always there.
A thread about “undamning”—and why I think everyone benefits from learning it🧵
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= The longer you know someone, the more important undamning becomes.
If you’ve ever experienced friends or family treating you like an old version of you that no longer exists, that’s another example.
If you’ve ever experienced friends or family treating you like an old version of you that no longer exists, that’s another example.
divya venn@divya_venn
William Ickes found that the longer many couples are married, the less accurate they are at reading each other.
They lock in some early version of who their spouse is, and over the years, as the other person changes, that version stays fixed, and they know less and less about what’s actually going on in the other’s heart and mind
- from How to Know a Person by David Brookes
They lock in some early version of who their spouse is, and over the years, as the other person changes, that version stays fixed, and they know less and less about what’s actually going on in the other’s heart and mind
- from How to Know a Person by David Brookes
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Pep@peptalksblog
Listen to the rain as if it's the first time you hear it.
Look into their eyes as if it's the first time you meet them.
Feel inside your soul as if it's the first time you notice it.
Taste every sip as if it's the first time the flavor hits your tongue.
Because it always is.
Look into their eyes as if it's the first time you meet them.
Feel inside your soul as if it's the first time you notice it.
Taste every sip as if it's the first time the flavor hits your tongue.
Because it always is.
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In my experience, life wants us to practice undamning.
It actively encourages us, but it speaks a language we don't learn about in school.
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
It actively encourages us, but it speaks a language we don't learn about in school.
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
