When I was 19, one night I found myself wishing I wouldn't wake up...
Pep@peptalksblog
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Feb 25, 2026
~1 min read
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When I was 19, one night I found myself wishing I wouldn't wake up the next morning.
Because life is funny like that, it wouldn't let me fall asleep.
So instead I grabbed my guitar and hopped on a plane.
Spent about a month "abruptly living", then the next synchronicity came:
Because life is funny like that, it wouldn't let me fall asleep.
So instead I grabbed my guitar and hopped on a plane.
Spent about a month "abruptly living", then the next synchronicity came:
Bambulu@Bqmbulu
"There must be something like the opposite of suicide, whereby a person radically and abruptly decides to start living"
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This happened (video QT), and I spent a few weeks living on the street.
But the lesson life showed me here was exactly what I needed:
"You know, you can start from scratch any time."
But the lesson life showed me here was exactly what I needed:
"You know, you can start from scratch any time."
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Then life taught me to trust it, instead of rejecting it:
Pep@peptalksblog
Major divine moment from 2009:
I had just been robbed of all my possessions and was now homeless in a foreign country.
Knocked on a parked car’s window, asked for a ride to the beach (figured that would be the best place to sleep).
The man in the car was an (al)chemist.
Eventually gave me a jar of ayahuasca and lots of DMT for free “in case I needed money”.
I decided not to sell it to people.
(Foreign prison sounded worse than foreign homeless.)
3 days later, a guy was playing guitar on the boardwalk.
He asked me what was in the jar.
Told him it was ayahuasca and explained the story.
Even though he didn't know I was a musician, he asked “trade the DMT + the jar for my guitar?”
Divinely / nonlinearly offering me the means of income the alchemist had hinted at.
What sticks out to me about this story in particular, was the element of temptation (I could've just gone criminal and have food in my stomach), which, when ignored for a few days, got rewarded in a much bigger way.
I can only wonder.
I had just been robbed of all my possessions and was now homeless in a foreign country.
Knocked on a parked car’s window, asked for a ride to the beach (figured that would be the best place to sleep).
The man in the car was an (al)chemist.
Eventually gave me a jar of ayahuasca and lots of DMT for free “in case I needed money”.
I decided not to sell it to people.
(Foreign prison sounded worse than foreign homeless.)
3 days later, a guy was playing guitar on the boardwalk.
He asked me what was in the jar.
Told him it was ayahuasca and explained the story.
Even though he didn't know I was a musician, he asked “trade the DMT + the jar for my guitar?”
Divinely / nonlinearly offering me the means of income the alchemist had hinted at.
What sticks out to me about this story in particular, was the element of temptation (I could've just gone criminal and have food in my stomach), which, when ignored for a few days, got rewarded in a much bigger way.
I can only wonder.
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...and you can't make this up:
Queueing for a homeless center, I met an older man I had a lot in common with.
We stuck together for safety & kept each other straight.
Now 24/7, I navigated intense challenges, next to someone demonstrating mature masculine ways of facing them.
Queueing for a homeless center, I met an older man I had a lot in common with.
We stuck together for safety & kept each other straight.
Now 24/7, I navigated intense challenges, next to someone demonstrating mature masculine ways of facing them.
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This whole story is almost like an archetypal initiation ritual for boys.
(There are way more crazy details, but keeping it short.)
And it all happened when I wanted to die and to chose to embrace life harder instead.
(There are way more crazy details, but keeping it short.)
And it all happened when I wanted to die and to chose to embrace life harder instead.