The paradox of identity: The aspects of you that make you feel most...
Pep@peptalksblog
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Sep 09, 2025
~5 min read
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The paradox of identity:
The aspects of you that make you feel most like an individual are the ones that exist because of other people.
Here's why (and how you can use this to resolve conflicts or unblock stuck patterns)🧵
The aspects of you that make you feel most like an individual are the ones that exist because of other people.
Here's why (and how you can use this to resolve conflicts or unblock stuck patterns)🧵
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Think about your identity:
- Which traits feel unique to you?
- What sets you apart from others?
- What are some traits you definitely don't possess?
- Which unpopular (or popular) opinions do you hold?
...now ask: how do you know these things about yourself? ↓↓
- Which traits feel unique to you?
- What sets you apart from others?
- What are some traits you definitely don't possess?
- Which unpopular (or popular) opinions do you hold?
...now ask: how do you know these things about yourself? ↓↓
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Self-identity is relational identity.
Anything we define ourselves by is based on comparison, reaction or positioning relative to others:
I can't see myself as playful without seeing others as serious.
And I can only identify as intelligent depending on which room I'm in↓↓
Anything we define ourselves by is based on comparison, reaction or positioning relative to others:
I can't see myself as playful without seeing others as serious.
And I can only identify as intelligent depending on which room I'm in↓↓
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What's liberal in 1 country is conservative in another.
What's hard-working in 1 company is below the bar in another.
This is crucial to understand about identity, for example:
What's hard-working in 1 company is below the bar in another.
This is crucial to understand about identity, for example:
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You can only be sexually conservative if others are more loose about it. Without contrast, the trait disappears.
That's right! Your purity depends on other people's sluttiness.
Those people are creating your conservativeness. It only exists because of your connection to them:
That's right! Your purity depends on other people's sluttiness.
Those people are creating your conservativeness. It only exists because of your connection to them:
Pep@peptalksblog
In one way or another, connection is always happening.
The degree to which we feel connection depends on our capacity & willingness to be with its current shape.
The degree to which we feel connection depends on our capacity & willingness to be with its current shape.
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This points at a funny illusion:
The more positional our identity ("ego"), the stronger our sense of separation from others.
But the only way to experience being separate is to be connected to them—since they provide us with things to perceive ourselves as separate from↓↓
The more positional our identity ("ego"), the stronger our sense of separation from others.
But the only way to experience being separate is to be connected to them—since they provide us with things to perceive ourselves as separate from↓↓
Pep@peptalksblog
I observe in myself what seem to be 2 competing core desires:
1. Stay rooted in my own values & integrity, whatever happens.
2. Lose all sense of individual identity & be one with whatever happens.
In the most beautiful moments I've experienced, I understood both as the same.
1. Stay rooted in my own values & integrity, whatever happens.
2. Lose all sense of individual identity & be one with whatever happens.
In the most beautiful moments I've experienced, I understood both as the same.
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But wait...other people don't always agree with how you label them?
They can have an identity ("I am this, not that"), while you can assign a different one for them ("nope, you are that") which you use to define your own by ("...and I am not").
How is this possible? ↓↓
They can have an identity ("I am this, not that"), while you can assign a different one for them ("nope, you are that") which you use to define your own by ("...and I am not").
How is this possible? ↓↓
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We project our disowned traits on others.
But it's my belief that we all have access to the full range of human expression—in that sense:
Owned = what we consciously allow ourselves to express.
Disowned = what project onto others, then define ourselves against↓↓
But it's my belief that we all have access to the full range of human expression—in that sense:
Owned = what we consciously allow ourselves to express.
Disowned = what project onto others, then define ourselves against↓↓
Pep@peptalksblog
People often mention projection exclusively in the context of seeing our own dark side in others.
But projections happens for positive qualities too.
That means things you admire in others might be qualities you already possess but are in denial of.
This is your golden shadow.
But projections happens for positive qualities too.
That means things you admire in others might be qualities you already possess but are in denial of.
This is your golden shadow.
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This creates a paradox:
If everyone's identity depends on contrasting against others, but everyone is also doing this same process...
How does any identity actually get established? It's like a house of mirrors—and every mirror is a gate:
If everyone's identity depends on contrasting against others, but everyone is also doing this same process...
How does any identity actually get established? It's like a house of mirrors—and every mirror is a gate:
Nornal Guy 🧙♂️@theralkia
I think projection is the most interesting phenomenon. It’s also the only one.
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Just like words, identities function like a set of gates:
"I am this, not that." is a gate that decide which traits you can express.
This is why self-image can make it so challenging for us to do certain things:
It's hard to succeed when we have a gate that says "I am not successful". ↓↓
"I am this, not that." is a gate that decide which traits you can express.
This is why self-image can make it so challenging for us to do certain things:
It's hard to succeed when we have a gate that says "I am not successful". ↓↓
Pep@peptalksblog
Words essentially function as a configuration of borders and gates:
A word's definition says:
[ this ] is what's allowed through the gates.
[ that ] is what the borders keep out. ↓↓
A word's definition says:
[ this ] is what's allowed through the gates.
[ that ] is what the borders keep out. ↓↓
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Putting "self-identity is relational identity" together with "identity is a set of gates":
Our closed gates are generally closed to those traits in others, and our open gates let others in.
Because what the gate tries to do is stop those traits from being "part of us"↓↓
Our closed gates are generally closed to those traits in others, and our open gates let others in.
Because what the gate tries to do is stop those traits from being "part of us"↓↓
Taijitu Observer@taijitu_sees
Identity feels strange to me. When I see someone from a 'different' identity, I can see bits that I don't have, but I'm more inclined to map out the common interface between us.
Quite a luxury of civilization to do this yet so few seem to really take advantage of this.
Quite a luxury of civilization to do this yet so few seem to really take advantage of this.
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Think of it this way: Any "open gate" in your personality leaves you vulnerable to psychofauna invasion.
Closed gates keep them out, but at a cost:
1) Closing yourself to others who have that gate open.
2) Psychofauna you'd benefit from can't pass either.
The solution:
Closed gates keep them out, but at a cost:
1) Closing yourself to others who have that gate open.
2) Psychofauna you'd benefit from can't pass either.
The solution:
Tyler is finishing a book, slow to reply@TylerAlterman
psychofauna (n.)
1. A term coined by @visakanv to highlight the organism-like behavior of many ideas, stories, ideologies, cultures, archetypes, and other entities that take up residence in the ecosystems of our minds
2. A serial fiction published at psychofauna.com and an upcoming novel (thank you to all 300 beta readers!). It's written partly for fun and partly as a guide to attaining cognitive sovereignty amidst the incoming deluge of forces that seek to possess the human mind
But you can probably skip reading the whole thing by just reading this thread
Synopsis: The world turns telepathic. Huge psychic organisms like cultural myths and sentient ideologies wake up and go to war. As these psychofauna possess millions of people, an awkward kid tries to save his family from being torn apart. Meanwhile he is guided and pursued by various mental wizards & mindbody masters.
The thread below is a broader introduction to the "cinematic universe" of @psychofauna through imagery
1. A term coined by @visakanv to highlight the organism-like behavior of many ideas, stories, ideologies, cultures, archetypes, and other entities that take up residence in the ecosystems of our minds
2. A serial fiction published at psychofauna.com and an upcoming novel (thank you to all 300 beta readers!). It's written partly for fun and partly as a guide to attaining cognitive sovereignty amidst the incoming deluge of forces that seek to possess the human mind
But you can probably skip reading the whole thing by just reading this thread
Synopsis: The world turns telepathic. Huge psychic organisms like cultural myths and sentient ideologies wake up and go to war. As these psychofauna possess millions of people, an awkward kid tries to save his family from being torn apart. Meanwhile he is guided and pursued by various mental wizards & mindbody masters.
The thread below is a broader introduction to the "cinematic universe" of @psychofauna through imagery
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This is an equalizer.
It's used in music to amp up (or quiet down) frequencies, changing the character of a sound.
- Each trait / opinion has a slider
- Max & min volume are set by what we've seen in others
- If a slider is down, we "gate it out" of our range of expression
↓
It's used in music to amp up (or quiet down) frequencies, changing the character of a sound.
- Each trait / opinion has a slider
- Max & min volume are set by what we've seen in others
- If a slider is down, we "gate it out" of our range of expression
↓
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Just like an equalizer doesn't actually "change the sound" of a track (it only decides which frequencies pass through), your identity doesn't change who you are—it only decides what you allow to pass through you.
You can dynamically open & close yourself to traits & ideas:
You can dynamically open & close yourself to traits & ideas:
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This creates a different paradigm of personal growth, which I call "range, not change".
We don't have to spend years going from lazy to hustling & then burn out because in both cases we made it our identity:
Just widen the range you allow yourself to play with on that slider↓
We don't have to spend years going from lazy to hustling & then burn out because in both cases we made it our identity:
Just widen the range you allow yourself to play with on that slider↓
Pep@peptalksblog
@sashachapin Part of what makes them seem irresolvable is that both are usually mentioned in the context of creating personal change.
If you see it as increasing personal range instead, I believe they fit together perfectly.
If you see it as increasing personal range instead, I believe they fit together perfectly.
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Here's how you can use this for conflict resolution:
1) Realize you're using the other person to maintain your own identity, which blocks access to their POV.
2) Disidentify with your position (open the gate) so you can see through their eyes (you can remember your preference).
1) Realize you're using the other person to maintain your own identity, which blocks access to their POV.
2) Disidentify with your position (open the gate) so you can see through their eyes (you can remember your preference).
Pep@peptalksblog
What’s a belief you’re not willing to change your mind on?
As in:
If people would present evidence to the contrary, you'd feel 100% sure it's fake.
...
Could it be, that that’s the rock under which your pain hides?
As in:
If people would present evidence to the contrary, you'd feel 100% sure it's fake.
...
Could it be, that that’s the rock under which your pain hides?
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3) Now you can effectively converse with them:
You can now see truths which are visible from their perspective but not from yours—and you can speak their language when it comes to conveying your own position.
This may not resolve the conflict, but it's the basis for resolution.
You can now see truths which are visible from their perspective but not from yours—and you can speak their language when it comes to conveying your own position.
This may not resolve the conflict, but it's the basis for resolution.
Pep@peptalksblog
Someone disagreeing with your content is a blessing, not a threat.
"Hello, human on the other side.
What does the world look like from there?
Please, tell me all about it.
So I can get a more holistic picture of this place."
"Hello, human on the other side.
What does the world look like from there?
Please, tell me all about it.
So I can get a more holistic picture of this place."
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Want to learn how to use moments of disagreement & conflict as doorways to connection & increased intimacy?
This is one of the things we’ll be practicing in the 12-week online group journey "Fundamentals of Realating":
You can claim your spot here:
peptalksblog.com/connection-coh…
This is one of the things we’ll be practicing in the 12-week online group journey "Fundamentals of Realating":
You can claim your spot here:
peptalksblog.com/connection-coh…
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Follow me @peptalksblog for more explorations on connecting with ourselves, each other and reality.
If you think others could benefit from this thread, I'd deeply appreciate you sharing the first post:
If you think others could benefit from this thread, I'd deeply appreciate you sharing the first post:
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P.S.
A lot of things that appear to be opposite sides of a "slider" (to follow the metaphor from this thread) are actually 2 separate ones:
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
A lot of things that appear to be opposite sides of a "slider" (to follow the metaphor from this thread) are actually 2 separate ones:
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
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...and this thread doesn't just apply to traits or perspectives, but any personality pattern:
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
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Re: Identity as a set of filters or gates.
Note that if we lock a trait in one position, the rest of the spectrum isn't really "gone".
It's just gone from conscious awareness.
When we rememer it's there, we can make intentional decisions about it.
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
Note that if we lock a trait in one position, the rest of the spectrum isn't really "gone".
It's just gone from conscious awareness.
When we rememer it's there, we can make intentional decisions about it.
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
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...or another way to put it:
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
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Are you larping as yourself, anon?
(to regain your energy, read the thread above & open up more filters/gates)
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
(to regain your energy, read the thread above & open up more filters/gates)
x.com/peptalksblog/s…
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This belongs in this thread too.
We don't just interact with people. We interact with aesthetics, ideologies, brands, music.
All of this applies in the same way.
We don't just interact with people. We interact with aesthetics, ideologies, brands, music.
All of this applies in the same way.
divya venn@divya_venn
Very very few people are self aware enough to know just how much they are influenced by aesthetics
Also how much other people are, and therefore how changing your aesthetics can change your destiny
Also how much other people are, and therefore how changing your aesthetics can change your destiny