Empathy is often misunderstood (I know, ironic). Some call it a...
Pep@peptalksblog
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Sep 26, 2025
~3 min read
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Empathy is often misunderstood (I know, ironic).
Some call it a weakness or energy drain, others an essential trait.
The confusion stems from fuzzy or conflated definitions.
A thread on what empathy is (and isn't) 🧵
Some call it a weakness or energy drain, others an essential trait.
The confusion stems from fuzzy or conflated definitions.
A thread on what empathy is (and isn't) 🧵
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Concepts that get conflated:
- Empathy = Feeling with
- Sympathy = Feeling for
- Pity = Condescension mixed with compassion
- Emotional absorption = Empathy without personal boundaries
- Compassion = Holding in loving regard (doesn't require empathy) ↓↓
- Empathy = Feeling with
- Sympathy = Feeling for
- Pity = Condescension mixed with compassion
- Emotional absorption = Empathy without personal boundaries
- Compassion = Holding in loving regard (doesn't require empathy) ↓↓
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5 different levels of empathy, explained:
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1) Cognitive empathy:
Understanding someone’s experience, thoughts, or emotions intellectually.
Understanding someone’s experience, thoughts, or emotions intellectually.
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2) Contextual empathy:
"How would I feel if I were in your position?"
This can help us understand feelings we might dismiss when we try to cognitively make sense of the feeling itself.
Context shapes meaning, which shapes the feeling.
"How would I feel if I were in your position?"
This can help us understand feelings we might dismiss when we try to cognitively make sense of the feeling itself.
Context shapes meaning, which shapes the feeling.
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3) Personal empathy:
"How would it feel to be you, having your experience?"
This is very different from "How would I feel having that experience?"
The experiencer shapes the experience—who is feeling it matters just as much as what’s being felt.
"How would it feel to be you, having your experience?"
This is very different from "How would I feel having that experience?"
The experiencer shapes the experience—who is feeling it matters just as much as what’s being felt.
Pep@peptalksblog
The best communicators don't always speak in a "better" or "more advanced" way.
But here's one thing most of them have in common:
They meet the other person in their world:
🧵
But here's one thing most of them have in common:
They meet the other person in their world:
🧵
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4) Affective empathy:
Feeling their experience through your body.
(Note: this is not the same as emotional absorption. Absorption happens when we either identify with the feeling, or struggle to let it pass through our body when already feeling it.)
Feeling their experience through your body.
(Note: this is not the same as emotional absorption. Absorption happens when we either identify with the feeling, or struggle to let it pass through our body when already feeling it.)
Ann Pierce@itsannpierce
Noodling on: so there’s the 2 parts of empathy. “Cognitive” is understanding someone’s perspective, “affective” is mirroring the sensation in your own body (feelings contagion).
People high in affective but low in cognitive (as sometimes seen in autists) can experience others’ emotions as bothersome or overwhelming. Say their friend is upset and seeking comfort - I’ve seen ha/lc people “catch” the emotion and then demand comfort from the hurt person who came to them.*
Separately, I’ve heard that while this correlates to messy interpersonal interactions, ha/lc people have a really sharp sense of societal justice - that the “empathized with” party is usually a population in aggregate, which is better cognitively understood than a single individual’s psychology.
(There does seem to be a really interesting relationship like- feeling connected to any one individual creates bias that blinds you from seeing justice in the larger picture and vice versa.)
On the flip, people high in cognitive but low in affective are great to lean on - the stable “rock.” They don’t scare or overwhelm easily, they have great insight. But people don’t seem to like that hc/la people aren’t actually sharing their feeling - maybe bc it seems less connected, or maybe bc the incentives are off (the hc/la person doesn’t have “skin in the game” to ensure continued altruism e.g. sociopaths and psychopaths)
Low affective *and* cognitive empathy is indifference/disconnection - I don’t think anyone vouches for that.
It seems the actual ideal - in the sense of what is most pleasant and effective interpersonally is… medium affective and high cognitive?
People high in affective but low in cognitive (as sometimes seen in autists) can experience others’ emotions as bothersome or overwhelming. Say their friend is upset and seeking comfort - I’ve seen ha/lc people “catch” the emotion and then demand comfort from the hurt person who came to them.*
Separately, I’ve heard that while this correlates to messy interpersonal interactions, ha/lc people have a really sharp sense of societal justice - that the “empathized with” party is usually a population in aggregate, which is better cognitively understood than a single individual’s psychology.
(There does seem to be a really interesting relationship like- feeling connected to any one individual creates bias that blinds you from seeing justice in the larger picture and vice versa.)
On the flip, people high in cognitive but low in affective are great to lean on - the stable “rock.” They don’t scare or overwhelm easily, they have great insight. But people don’t seem to like that hc/la people aren’t actually sharing their feeling - maybe bc it seems less connected, or maybe bc the incentives are off (the hc/la person doesn’t have “skin in the game” to ensure continued altruism e.g. sociopaths and psychopaths)
Low affective *and* cognitive empathy is indifference/disconnection - I don’t think anyone vouches for that.
It seems the actual ideal - in the sense of what is most pleasant and effective interpersonally is… medium affective and high cognitive?
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5. Grokking.
Sometimes, we can understand a person's feelings without even having to feel or think through them.
It's non-verbal, non-linear, instant, intuitive and the full experience arrives at once, without processing.
Sometimes, we can understand a person's feelings without even having to feel or think through them.
It's non-verbal, non-linear, instant, intuitive and the full experience arrives at once, without processing.
Pep@peptalksblog
Funny that @grok ’s biggest limitation is that it (presumably) can’t truly grok things.
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A common criticism of empathy is that it can cause us to lose ourselves in another person's point of view.
But in reality, you can only fully empathize when you stay firmly grounded in your own experience.
But in reality, you can only fully empathize when you stay firmly grounded in your own experience.
Pep@peptalksblog
Ever felt torn between people-pleasing or being a jerk, not knowing how to be neither?
Here’s a thread on why that happens, how to build self-respect without losing care for others—and be kind without betraying yourself 🧵
Here’s a thread on why that happens, how to build self-respect without losing care for others—and be kind without betraying yourself 🧵
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Wait—why does stronger self-connection increase (rather than decrease) capacity for empathy?
Because we can allow their experience to “pass through” ours, without overriding it.
Without a sense of self, there’s no one to “do the empathy”. Instead of feeling 2 people, we feel 0.
Because we can allow their experience to “pass through” ours, without overriding it.
Without a sense of self, there’s no one to “do the empathy”. Instead of feeling 2 people, we feel 0.
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Each of these 5 levels of empathy can be seen as empathy + increased embodiment, grounding and self-regulation.
When we are severely dysregulated, even cognitive empathy becomes unavailable. When we are deeply embodied and attuned, grokking often happens
When we are severely dysregulated, even cognitive empathy becomes unavailable. When we are deeply embodied and attuned, grokking often happens
Pep@peptalksblog
Posture, collapse, dignity, humility and equanimity aren't just metaphors for how we relate. They're actual physical states.
Collapse and posture happen when we're outside of our nervous system's window of tolerance—when it no longer feels safe to stay open and grounded.
↓↓
Collapse and posture happen when we're outside of our nervous system's window of tolerance—when it no longer feels safe to stay open and grounded.
↓↓
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Working theory:
This is one of the many reasons real empathy can feel so healing:
It’s the same emotional charge carried by multiple bodies.
Not only is the load divided, the more grounded (some) of these bodies are, the more ground absorbs the charge.
This is one of the many reasons real empathy can feel so healing:
It’s the same emotional charge carried by multiple bodies.
Not only is the load divided, the more grounded (some) of these bodies are, the more ground absorbs the charge.
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This would mean empathy is indeed a sign of strength—at least when seen as "strength of capacity".
The "weaker" the state of a person's system (and by that I mean having weak or decreased capacity to carry additional load—not weak as a system), the less empathy is possible.
The "weaker" the state of a person's system (and by that I mean having weak or decreased capacity to carry additional load—not weak as a system), the less empathy is possible.
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Absorbing people's feelings isn't an empathy problem but a boundary problem.
With healthy boundaries, the feeling is experienced but not internalized.
We are impacted, but the feeling stays "theirs". It was shared, rather than displaced into our body.
With healthy boundaries, the feeling is experienced but not internalized.
We are impacted, but the feeling stays "theirs". It was shared, rather than displaced into our body.
Pep@peptalksblog
How well do you understand personal boundaries?
A thread on the many misunderstandings surrounding the topic—and why they matter 🧵👇🏼
A thread on the many misunderstandings surrounding the topic—and why they matter 🧵👇🏼
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Emotional absorption and empathy ARE linked, just not directly.
Absorption is what empathy looks like "below" the first level, when there is 0 capacity for real empathy—because we're not grounded in our own experience:
Absorption is what empathy looks like "below" the first level, when there is 0 capacity for real empathy—because we're not grounded in our own experience:
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Empathic capacity is similar to capacity for nuance: we can only process as much as we can hold multiple perspectives at the same time.
If we can't inhabit our own experience (1), we can't inhabit other people's experience on top of that (2). ↓ ↓
If we can't inhabit our own experience (1), we can't inhabit other people's experience on top of that (2). ↓ ↓
sigh ❀ swoon@sighswoon
I was thinking about how in sex ed, girls are told that they can get pregnant 24/7, even though this is not true at all, and the window is much smaller. However, this is the *proper thing* to tell a room of 30 youths, and society at large, simply because you can’t stop and count for all the other variables that go into proper sex-planning, such as a trusted partner, ability to follow a calendar, not being on substances, etc etc. It’s easier to be extreme, although incorrect, to count for less tragedies , but it is on the individual to leave the society-herding narratives and find out the nuances for themselves.
A lot of internet drama and discourse is simply the “narrative told to mobilize masses” battling the “nuanced narrative that counts for the innate variables of all things”. Neither is necessarily wrong in their position, but both camps would do much better if they understood the purpose of each type of information sharing
A lot of internet drama and discourse is simply the “narrative told to mobilize masses” battling the “nuanced narrative that counts for the innate variables of all things”. Neither is necessarily wrong in their position, but both camps would do much better if they understood the purpose of each type of information sharing
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When we have no capacity for empathy (nuance) at all, enmeshment is our only option to feel another's feelings.
Either we feel our own (with no empathy), or we feel theirs.
(And if in that state, we want to avoid enmeshment, we act like dufuses in the comment section.)
Either we feel our own (with no empathy), or we feel theirs.
(And if in that state, we want to avoid enmeshment, we act like dufuses in the comment section.)
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Follow me @peptalksblog for more on relating with reality, people and yourself.
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Adding this here as extra nuance:
Dr. Nicole LePera@Theholisticpsyc
Over-extended empathy is actually a disconnection from yourself.. It's a fawn response to keep people in your life even if those people are brining a lot of pain, misery, or resentment.
Something you once did for survival.
Something you once did for survival.
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Pep@peptalksblog
Highly empathic people often learn to close their hearts once they realize how much of the pain they feel isn’t theirs to carry.
But this is a skill issue, and unfortunately there aren’t many people who teach it:
You can taste other’s feelings without having to eat them.
But this is a skill issue, and unfortunately there aren’t many people who teach it:
You can taste other’s feelings without having to eat them.
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A more apt metaphor for the above:
occam’s river@occamsriver
@peptalksblog Just like, go for a brief swim in their waters, then promptly dry yourself off and come back to land again