A client once told me “I can only relax when the people around me...
Joe Hudson@FU_joehudson
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Jun 29, 2026
~2 min read
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A client once told me “I can only relax when the people around me are okay. If my partner is off, my whole day is off.”
I asked her two questions:
I asked her two questions:
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How safe do you feel when your partner is not doing okay?
How safe did you feel as a kid when your parents weren't doing okay?
How safe did you feel as a kid when your parents weren't doing okay?
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Underneath the constant scanning and caring for how others were doing, there was a deeply rooted belief of
“If they're not okay, I'm not safe.”
“If they're not okay, I'm not safe.”
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Sometimes what seems like care can actually be the desire for control.
I see this show up in relationships in three ways:
1 - Codependency
2 - People-pleasing
3 - Perfectionism
They are all different versions of control:
I see this show up in relationships in three ways:
1 - Codependency
2 - People-pleasing
3 - Perfectionism
They are all different versions of control:
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Codependency: trying to control others so you feel safer.
People-pleasing: trying to control others' opinion of you so you don't get rejected.
Perfectionism: trying to control yourself in order to earn love.
People-pleasing: trying to control others' opinion of you so you don't get rejected.
Perfectionism: trying to control yourself in order to earn love.
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Most of us learned sometime early in life that things feel safer in our household when we feel in “control” of them.
So now as an adult, you try to control your relationships and emotions.
So now as an adult, you try to control your relationships and emotions.
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Underneath every controlling behavior is a feeling you've been working hard not to feel.
Like the fear of not being safe. The longing to finally be chosen as you are. Or the helplessness of being a child who couldn't make their world okay.
Like the fear of not being safe. The longing to finally be chosen as you are. Or the helplessness of being a child who couldn't make their world okay.
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“Just let go of the control” doesn't work.
That's just another form of self-control.
That's just another form of self-control.
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Instead, the next time you catch yourself trying to control, remember this:
“Control” begins when you admit you have none.
“Control” begins when you admit you have none.
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I'm not going to help you control your emotions.
I'm going to help you stop being terrified of them.
Because every emotion you resist runs your life from the shadows.
If you'd rather be free than in control, welcome to my account.
@FU_joehudson
I'm going to help you stop being terrified of them.
Because every emotion you resist runs your life from the shadows.
If you'd rather be free than in control, welcome to my account.
@FU_joehudson