Can you still recall the sting of a small comment from years ago? A...
Steve Magness@stevemagness
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Jul 22, 2025
~2 min read
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Can you still recall the sting of a small comment from years ago?
A parent, a coach, a friend...it didn’t seem like much at the time.
Yet it stuck with you.
That’s not a flaw. It’s how our brains work.
New research reveals why we forget praise but replay criticism for years...and what to do about it:
A parent, a coach, a friend...it didn’t seem like much at the time.
Yet it stuck with you.
That’s not a flaw. It’s how our brains work.
New research reveals why we forget praise but replay criticism for years...and what to do about it:
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New research gave participants mild praise or criticism while inside an fMRI.
– Praise barely moved the needle.
– Criticism activated threat-related brain regions.
– And they remembered the criticism more vividly.
Negative feedback didn’t just sting it got seared into memory.
– Praise barely moved the needle.
– Criticism activated threat-related brain regions.
– And they remembered the criticism more vividly.
Negative feedback didn’t just sting it got seared into memory.
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Why is this important?
Because the same thing happens to all of us, especially when we’re vulnerable.
Whether you’re an athlete after a loss, a student after a bad grade, or just having a rough week at work…
Your brain is primed to interpret criticism as a threat.
And once it enters that “protect and defend” mode, the feedback isn’t just heard. It’s felt.
Because the same thing happens to all of us, especially when we’re vulnerable.
Whether you’re an athlete after a loss, a student after a bad grade, or just having a rough week at work…
Your brain is primed to interpret criticism as a threat.
And once it enters that “protect and defend” mode, the feedback isn’t just heard. It’s felt.
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This is why “feedback sandwiches” don’t work.
You’ve probably heard the old management trick: sandwich the critique between two positives.
But studies show that often backfires, especially when stress is high.
Before a performance, no feedback is better than any feedback.
After a performance, honest but well-timed correction works best.
You’ve probably heard the old management trick: sandwich the critique between two positives.
But studies show that often backfires, especially when stress is high.
Before a performance, no feedback is better than any feedback.
After a performance, honest but well-timed correction works best.
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Think of it like this: there’s a sensitive window for critique.
Right after a big loss or failure, our ego is raw.
It’s like touching a bruise, every poke feels amplified.
In this state, even neutral feedback can be taken as an attack.
Instead, create some space. Let the nervous system calm. Then connect.
Right after a big loss or failure, our ego is raw.
It’s like touching a bruise, every poke feels amplified.
In this state, even neutral feedback can be taken as an attack.
Instead, create some space. Let the nervous system calm. Then connect.
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One of the best ways to make feedback land?
Help the person shift from defense to receptiveness.
That could mean talking as a peer, not a critic.
Or doing something social or relaxing before diving into a debrief.
You can’t coach a brain that’s still stuck in survival mode.
Help the person shift from defense to receptiveness.
That could mean talking as a peer, not a critic.
Or doing something social or relaxing before diving into a debrief.
You can’t coach a brain that’s still stuck in survival mode.
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The world we live in matters too.
When we’re constantly exposed to outrage, threat, and stress—like endless doomscrolling or cable news...we start seeing feedback through a distorted lens.
Suddenly, a helpful suggestion feels like a personal attack.
Our perception shifts.
And everything becomes a fight.
When we’re constantly exposed to outrage, threat, and stress—like endless doomscrolling or cable news...we start seeing feedback through a distorted lens.
Suddenly, a helpful suggestion feels like a personal attack.
Our perception shifts.
And everything becomes a fight.
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So what can you do?
If you’re giving feedback: watch your timing, tone, and the person’s current state.
If you’re receiving it: notice your instinct to protect or defend.
Pause. Breathe. Ask yourself, “What’s the intent here?”
Our job isn’t to avoid criticism, it’s to learn how to metabolize it.
If you’re giving feedback: watch your timing, tone, and the person’s current state.
If you’re receiving it: notice your instinct to protect or defend.
Pause. Breathe. Ask yourself, “What’s the intent here?”
Our job isn’t to avoid criticism, it’s to learn how to metabolize it.
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Criticism sticks because it pokes at our sense of worth, identity, and belonging.
But with awareness, we can change how we hold it.
We can learn to feel the sting without letting it define us.
And we can create cultures—in sport, work, or life—where feedback isn’t feared but welcomed.
That’s how we grow.
But with awareness, we can change how we hold it.
We can learn to feel the sting without letting it define us.
And we can create cultures—in sport, work, or life—where feedback isn’t feared but welcomed.
That’s how we grow.
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To go deeper on this topic and see all research mentioned, here's a longer piece: thegrowtheq.com/what-makes-cri…
