today's thought is: secret idol lwj who lives a double life through...

Elissa 🥮 | yiling laozu apologist@cerbykerby

38 views Nov 29, 2024 ~14 min read

                            1
                        
today's thought is: secret idol lwj who lives a double life through one simple rule—speak as little as possible while he's in his idol persona, and never sing when he's just livin his civilian life.

                            2
                        
"elissa, is this inspired by hannah—"

YES IT'S INSPIRED BY HANNAH MONTANA. AND WHAT OF IT.

                            3
                        
lwj never intended to become famous. he'd started taking singing lessons shortly after his mother passed; lxc had convinced their uncle that lwj, who is so short with his words and emotions, that singing would be a good emotional outlet. who could've known he would be good at it?

                            4
                        
despite lwj's growing success in the music industry, lqr is determined for his nephew to have a normal life. lwj's idol persona, hgj, is all glitter and silk and masks—while lwj himself abides by his family's rules on dressing modestly.

it's the perfect arrangement.

                            5
                        
hgj is notorious for refusing interviews. the few he has given are all conducted with him typing up his answers on a projected screen or with his manager repeating his answers for him.

on the other hand, lwj absolutely refuses to sing—which is quite easy. he has few friends.

                            6
                        
everything works out just fine—lwj gets to live both lives at once and develop his singing career alongside his academic.

everything is fine.

until, one day, lwj overhears wwx playing a hgj song on his phone speaker and lwj walks straight into a pillar.

                            7
                        
to lwj's relief (and torture), wwx is not a HUGE fan. he's a fan, yes, but he doesn't gush about hgj with his friends or show up to school in a hgj t-shirt. the most lwj catches are occasional glimpses of his album cover on wwx's phone whenever wwx puts his earbuds in.

                            8
                        
lwj is  d y i n g  to know what wwx thinks of his music, but there is no way he can bring up the topic naturally. he and wwx aren't even friends; he has tattled on wwx several times for sneaking alcohol to school and supervised his afterschool detentions.

                            9
                        
lwj, watching wwx bop his head lightly with his earbuds in: oh god is he listening to my music

wwx, full-on disassociating and on his 23rd repeat of caramelldansen:

                            10
                        
wwx, when he finally notices lwj: oh!! hello, lan zhan!! *takes one earbud out*

earbud, faintly: o-o-oa-oa aa

                            11
                        
lwj does not have many friends, and even less reason to be singing, but he finds a reason when he learns that wwx is spending his birthday alone.

so lwj stops by his apartment with a small cake, a present, and a card.

                            12
                        
wwx is pleasantly surprised and happily accuses lwj of secretly liking him—which is close enough to the truth that it makes lwj's ears flush.

wwx invites him into the apartment and eagerly lights a candle on the small cake.

lwj thinks he's supposed to sing 'happy birthday' now.

                            13
                        
lwj really, really does not want to sing.

at the same time, he really, really does not want wwx to have a birthday without anyone to sing him happy birthday.

so, he sings.

it is the worst, most monotone performance of his life.

yet the way wwx smiles is everything.

                            14
                        
wwx gives him a tight hug and a thank-you before making a wish and blowing out his candle.

after sharing a slice of cake, lwj leaves for home after another hug from wwx.

he goes to lie on the floor in the middle of his room and not speak for a good 20 minutes.

                            15
                        
he wants DESPERATELY to sing properly for wwx, but he can't do so without exposing his entire career and ruining all his hard work in keeping his lives separate.

when he finally wills himself to get up, he aggressively composes 'wangxian' on his piano.

                            16
                        
i just think it would be very funny for wwx to be a fan of hgj's music—but not to the point where he's gushing about him 24/7, so lwj is Constantly guessing.

lwj: omg he's listening to my latest album. omg what does that face expression mean?? 😭😭

wwx, about to sneeze:

                            17
                        
at the same time, when wwx *does* talk about hgj, lwj never expects it so it ALWAYS catches him off-guard.

the most of his face hgj shows is the lower half, so teaser images for upcoming concerts and albums often focus on his throat, jaw, and collarbones—for the thirst value.

                            18
                        
one day—completely out of the blue—wwx is scrolling on his phone and says out loud, "God, I want to lick his jawline."

lwj looks over, recognizes his own concert promo image, and accidentally faceplants on the ground.

                            19
                        
omfg what if one day wwx manages to win a pair of hgj tickets in a raffle and the first thing he does is offer the second ticket to lwj.

lwj wants to scream into a pillow. it's like a DATE, but lwj can't GO because it's HIS CONCERT 😭😭😭

                            20
                        
lwj declines the invite with great reluctance.

wwx shrugs as if he expected it—oof, that hurts—and says, "No worries! I guess I'll ask Wen Ning."

lwj does not want him to ask wn, but he can't say anything about it either.

does he mope in bed after school? yes, yes he does.

                            21
                        
on the day of the concert that wwx will be attending, lwj is uncharacteristically nervous.

usually he can manage his nerves, but today feels like a first performance. lwj wants it *perfect*. for wwx.

                            22
                        
the concert starts off well. lwj is satisfied with the performance. during intermission, he looks at wwx's social media and sees a video taken by wn.

it shows wwx, wearing comfy clothes and happily waving a hgj lightstick as he watches hgj on stage.

                            23
                        
he's not screaming or crying like a few of his seat neighbors are—he's just happy to be there and fully vibing with the atmosphere and people.

lwj clutches his phone tightly and watches the short video over and over again.

wwx looks happy.

lwj has never seen him this happy.

                            24
                        
lwj saves the video despite knowing that it'll pop a notification up on wwx's phone. he's going to watch it again later, in the car on the way home.

the love ballads he later sings on stage suddenly feel too real. he can't help repeatedly looking towards wwx's seating section.

                            25
                        
overall, the concert is a success. his manager does pull him aside to scold him for looking too much in a single direction—there are already fan vids from the concert and some speculation on social media about whom he might be looking at—but lwj brushes it off easily.

                            26
                        
lwj looks at wwx's social media again; there's a clip of wwx, still in the stadium, gushing about how great the concert was.

"The masks were so cool!" wwx says into the camera. "The dragon mask was HOT."

hm. it seems wwx likes the dragon mask.

                            27
                        
somehow, wwx ends up in a staff-only area. he was probably looking for the bathrooms or lockers and got sidetracked after some bad directions.

anyhow, he turns a corner and ends up colliding directly into hgj.

the impact is hard enough that hgj's mask falls to the ground.

                            28
                        
lwj quickly pulls up a ski mask that he wears around his neck when not on stage; he has had incidents in the past where fans tried to grab his mask, so he knows what to do in these situations.

wwx is still crouched on the ground, covering his face. lwj rushes over, panicked.

                            29
                        
"W—" lwj clamps down on his tongue. he can't speak. if he speaks, wwx will surely recognize him. instead, he places a hand on wwx's back.

to his surprise, wwx laughs and uses one hand to wave at him. "I'm fine! I'm fine. I just don't want to see your face by accident."

                            30
                        
lwj watches in mute shock as wwx shuffles to face away from him. wwx undoes his armwrap and uses it as a blindfold. after securing it around his head, he turns back around. "There we go. Sorry about that, Hanguang-Jun sir. I know how precious your privacy must be to you."

                            31
                        
"Anyways, great concert! Loved it. I would come again, but I'm poor. Also, I'm lost. But no worries! How hard can be a bathroom be to find?" he starts shuffling along the wall in the wrong direction, deeper backstage.

very gently, lwj takes his arm and tugs him the other way.

                            32
                        
"Oh—guess we're going this way," wwx giggles as he obediently follows along. "Sorry about that. I'm sure you have better things to do. You can just call security or something to escort me to the bathroom."

lwj keeps silently tugging him along.

                            33
                        
"Orrr maybe the bathroom's really close by!" wwx adds. "Or—or maybe you're not really Hanguang-Jun and I'm being kidnapped—"

lwj stops in his steps and huffs indignantly.

wwx laughs. "Alright, alright! I'll follow you."

                            34
                        
it is quite a ways to the nearest public bathroom. wwx does not let it fill with silence.

"Honestly, I feel like your way is the best way," wwx rambles on. "I'm sure there are people who envy your work-life balance. It was a good call to keep the two separate."

                            35
                        
"Your music really is great, and I'm sure you enjoy the attention and fame," wwx continues, "but it is good to be anonymous sometimes. However, I don't think you've ever anticipated lost guests ever crashing into you."

that is true, lwj must admit.

                            36
                        
"I do admire your work, though," wwx says. "I know nothing about your personal life and you know nothing about mine, yet your songs connect so well. It's amazing, really. Your piece 'Gentians Under the Porch' is one of my favorites and helped me… well, it helped me."

                            37
                        
that's not the first time lwj has heard such praise, but the song name gives him pause. he knows that wwx's parents are gone, and that he was raised by the jiangs before madam yu kicked him out for college.

lwj squeezes wwx's arm and hopes he interprets it as a thank-you.

                            38
                        
soon, they reach the door that leads out into the public access area.

"Oh, are we here? Is this as far as you take me?" wwx asks, feeling for the door. "Nice! Thank you so much for your help. You get home safe and rest well, alright?"

                            39
                        
lwj looks at him. wwx, with his smile that he gives away so freely, so easily, is wishing him well and hoping he returns home safe and sound.

lwj doesn't want to let go of his arm. they are alone; they have never been alone before, aside from during wwx's detentions.

                            40
                        
it is easy to look at him now, to drink in his smile and the closeness of him, now that wwx cannot look back at him, or call him by name, or say something like he would prefer to just stay friends.

lwj swallows. still doesn't let go. he may never have this again.

                            41
                        
// dubcon kiss

when the moment stretches on, wwx tilts his head. "Something the matter?" he asks.

no. yes. lwj hardly knows anymore. all he knows is that he wants wwx to stay.

he doesn't think. he touches wwx's jaw gently, lifts his own mask, and presses their lips together.

                            42
                        
// dubcon kiss

wwx makes a small, pleasing, shocked sound. he flinches away, but lwj follows, stealing a second kiss.

wwx's mouth is very soft and tastes vaguely of the sweet kettle corn the show venue sells. he kisses back tentatively, like he's not sure he's allowed to.

                            43
                        
it would be so easy for lwj to lose himself in this—in the taste of wwx, in the sound of his frantic breathing and his tiny vocalizations, in the soft warmth of his mouth.

shyly, wwx licks lwj's lower lip, and lwj nearly goes feral with desire.

                            44
                        
lwj could ravage his mouth for hours if given the chance. instead, the most he allows himself to do is brush their tongues together and kiss wwx's lips again before pulling back.

wwx is a beautiful mess, trembling from head to toe, panting, with his lips and cheeks red.

                            45
                        
lwj suddenly wants to run away. he takes wwx's hand and firmly places it on the pushbar of the door.

the moment wwx gets a good grip on the door, lwj turns and—like a coward—flees.

                            46
                        
when lwj gets home, he kneels for the entire night.

it is an insufficient punishment for what he did to wwx. he'd taken advantage of wwx's kindness and imposed his own desires on someone who neither asked for it nor deserved it.

                            47
                        
morning arrives too quickly. lwj readies for school, feeling sick to his stomach. he has no idea how wwx is. if wwx acts distant or—worse—doesn't show up at school at all, then lwj will never forgive himself for harming him.

to lwj's shock, wwx acts… completely normal.

                            48
                        
he's still easygoing, with his teasing remarks and smiling face. he chats happily with nhs and wn about the concert, and makes no mention of what happened after the show had ended.

lwj does not know what to do or think.

                            49
                        
then—in classic wwx fashion—one day, two weeks later, completely out of the blue, wwx says, "I think Hanguang-Jun might be French."

lwj nearly chokes on the cup of tea he was sipping from. "What?"

"Just a thought." wwx shrugs. "Don't French people kiss as a greeting and stuff?"

                            50
                        
lwj very carefully chooses his next words. "What—brought this up?"

wwx shrugs again. "I was just thinking," he says. "Just because his stage name is 'Hanguang-Jun' doesn't mean he doesn't live somewhere unexpected—like France."

lwj thinks he needs to lie down.

                            51
                        
"I don't think Hanguang-Jun is French," lwj says slowly.

"Hm." wwx frowns a little at that and goes quiet. "But then it doesn't make sense…"

lwj's heart rate doubles. "What doesn't?"

"Ah, nothing." wwx waves a hand dismissively. "Just speculation. Nothing more."

                            52
                        
nothing more comes out of that.

life goes on, lwj continues living his double life, and wwx makes no mention of the kiss.

maybe, lwj thinks, wwx has been kissed so often by so many people that their kiss means nothing to him.

the thought is both comforting and agitating.

                            53
                        
as time goes by, lwj finds himself spending more time with wwx. wwx laughs with shock the first time lwj accepts a playdate and happily drags him to the movies and on walks in a nearby park to feed the ducks.

                            54
                        
sometimes wwx takes lwj on group activities—but wwx thankfully never leaves lwj's side for long during them.

one day, wwx takes lwj to group karaoke. lwj refuses to sing, but agrees to one(1) rendition of 'Tequila' by the champs.

((added context for those who may need it: 'Tequila' is a song that has only one word in it—"tequila"—and that's it))

youtu.be/Vs1xbB3ubCs

                            56
                        
despite lwj's best efforts, there are moments when wwx comes *so close* to putting the pieces together.

one time, it was a mask that lwj forgot to put away in time.

another, it was when wwx arrived early for a visit and caught lxc listening to an unreleased hgj track.

                            57
                        
and yet, wwx's persistent blissful ignorance continues. they remain friends for years—beyond high school, beyond college—and yet. not a single suspicion in wwx's head.

                            58
                        
even when lwj finally musters up the courage to sing wwx 'happy birthday' on wwx's 24th birthday, wwx STILL suspects nothing. he just hugs lwj tight enough to crack lwj's spine and calls him the best person ever.

                            59
                        
tbh lwj is probably the one who eventually caves in and confesses his alternate identity to wwx.

wwx, who thinks lwj is trying to be more funny since he knows that one of wwx's favorite singers is hgj, doesn't believe him—but is happy at lwj's first attempt at humor!

                            60
                        
omfg what if they start dating and then they sleep together and then later hgj releases a song that is more sultry, seductive, and SPICY than his previous songs.

his fans are losing their minds. online forums are bursting with speculation that hgj might be in a relationship now.

                            61
                        
meanwhile wwx is listening to the newest release and going 'waaaaaait a minute............. that sounds Very Similar to what lwj did in the bedroom the other night—'

                            62
                        
has lwj given up and just figured that wwx would find out in his own time, at his own pace?

yes, yes he has.

in the meantime, lwj has given up trying to hide anything. he lets wwx wander into his closet full of masks and performance outfits.

today's thought is: secret idol lwj who lives a double life through...

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