Perfectionism is never about getting it right. It’s about...
Lorwen Harris Nagle, PhD@LORWEN108
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May 19, 2025
~4 min read
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Perfectionism is never about getting it right.
It’s about protection.
Until you feel safe, your efforts will never feel like freedom.
Here are 7 steps out of perfectionism (you won't get anywhere else)...🧵
It’s about protection.
Until you feel safe, your efforts will never feel like freedom.
Here are 7 steps out of perfectionism (you won't get anywhere else)...🧵
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Perfectionism is a nervous system stuck in survival mode.
You're fleeing shame, failure, and fear of abandonment.
You’re not being “pushed by a vision.”
You're being pulled by your fear.
You're fleeing shame, failure, and fear of abandonment.
You’re not being “pushed by a vision.”
You're being pulled by your fear.
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When you strive, your amygdala—the brain’s fear center—fires up.
[Not your reward system].
Achievement brings relief and shockingly, a brief feeling of hollowness.
...never joy.
You're escaping a threat, not pursuing meaning.
Big difference!
[Not your reward system].
Achievement brings relief and shockingly, a brief feeling of hollowness.
...never joy.
You're escaping a threat, not pursuing meaning.
Big difference!
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Also, perfectionists are OCDer's who want to:
1. Avoid rejection
2. Defer disappointment
3. Avoid neglect
But most critically, they're stuck in self-obsession.
When you only think about yourself, you fail to see the opportunities and possibilities all around you.
Listen to Naval Revikant on self-obsession.
1. Avoid rejection
2. Defer disappointment
3. Avoid neglect
But most critically, they're stuck in self-obsession.
When you only think about yourself, you fail to see the opportunities and possibilities all around you.
Listen to Naval Revikant on self-obsession.
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Phrases like “just let go” or “don’t be so hard on yourself” don’t work.
Why?
Because a perfectionist brain is avoiding danger.
To "just let go" is the exact opposite.
Perfectionism is nervous system management.
Why?
Because a perfectionist brain is avoiding danger.
To "just let go" is the exact opposite.
Perfectionism is nervous system management.
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When perfectionism is trauma-driven (and it often is):
•Your amygdala fires up.
•Your cortisol levels run high.
•Your dopamine levels are erratic.
•Your prefrontal cortex is mostly offline.
You are basically in chronic burnout, and you fail to see the process and joy of learning.
•Your amygdala fires up.
•Your cortisol levels run high.
•Your dopamine levels are erratic.
•Your prefrontal cortex is mostly offline.
You are basically in chronic burnout, and you fail to see the process and joy of learning.
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This is the perfectionist’s curse:
1. You can’t stop striving.
2. You can’t feel the result.
3. And, you can’t let go—because letting go feels like danger.
1. You can’t stop striving.
2. You can’t feel the result.
3. And, you can’t let go—because letting go feels like danger.
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Cortisol floods your system during the climb.
Your brain registers “doing well” with--well, I'm not dying.
But throughout your efforts, you're never thriving.
Your brain registers “doing well” with--well, I'm not dying.
But throughout your efforts, you're never thriving.
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You no longer associate effort with meaning.
You associate it with:
1. High pressure.
2. Fear.
3. Exhaustion.
And you disassociate from joy altogether.
You associate it with:
1. High pressure.
2. Fear.
3. Exhaustion.
And you disassociate from joy altogether.
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Here are the 7 neuroscience-backed steps to free yourself from the
perfectionism loop...
Step #1: Map your protector parts (IFS)
Notice the inner voice that says, “Don’t mess this up.”
Ask: What is it I'm afraid will happen if I fail?
→ Example: You freeze before speaking in a meeting. Pause and ask, “What is this part protecting me from?” You might find it’s shielding you from childhood embarrassment or ridicule.
perfectionism loop...
Step #1: Map your protector parts (IFS)
Notice the inner voice that says, “Don’t mess this up.”
Ask: What is it I'm afraid will happen if I fail?
→ Example: You freeze before speaking in a meeting. Pause and ask, “What is this part protecting me from?” You might find it’s shielding you from childhood embarrassment or ridicule.
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Step #2: Practice the opposite action (DBT)
When the perfectionist urge rises, choose a small, imperfect action.
→ Example: Post something online without editing it 10 times. Let it be “good enough” and sit with the discomfort.
When the perfectionist urge rises, choose a small, imperfect action.
→ Example: Post something online without editing it 10 times. Let it be “good enough” and sit with the discomfort.
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Step #3: Engage in somatic safety cues
Use physical signals to tell your body it's safe now.
→ Example: Before a performance review, exhale slowly for 6 seconds, touch something warm, or orient to the room. These anchor your body in the present.
Use physical signals to tell your body it's safe now.
→ Example: Before a performance review, exhale slowly for 6 seconds, touch something warm, or orient to the room. These anchor your body in the present.
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Step #4: Challenge cognitive distortions (CBT)
Perfectionism is built on faulty thinking, like all-or-nothing, catastrophizing, "should" statements, and mind-reading.
→ Example: “If I don’t get this exactly right, I’ll be a failure” becomes “Even if I mess up, I can learn and still be respected.”
Perfectionism is built on faulty thinking, like all-or-nothing, catastrophizing, "should" statements, and mind-reading.
→ Example: “If I don’t get this exactly right, I’ll be a failure” becomes “Even if I mess up, I can learn and still be respected.”
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Step #5: Test your connection tolerance
Let others see you as unfinished.
Stay connected, even when you feel unpolished.
→ Example: Send a rough draft to a colleague with a note: “This is still in progress.”
Watch what happens.
Let others see you as unfinished.
Stay connected, even when you feel unpolished.
→ Example: Send a rough draft to a colleague with a note: “This is still in progress.”
Watch what happens.
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Step #6: Rewire your reward systems
Train your brain to link success to internal fulfillment, not avoidance of failure.
→ Example: After finishing a task, ask yourself, “What value did I live out?” instead of “Did I mess up?”
Train your brain to link success to internal fulfillment, not avoidance of failure.
→ Example: After finishing a task, ask yourself, “What value did I live out?” instead of “Did I mess up?”
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Step #7: Rebuild self-trust
Keep tiny promises to yourself to prove that you are safe with your own imperfection.
→ Example: Tell yourself you'll close the laptop at 6pm—and do it. The win isn’t productivity. It’s consistency.
Keep tiny promises to yourself to prove that you are safe with your own imperfection.
→ Example: Tell yourself you'll close the laptop at 6pm—and do it. The win isn’t productivity. It’s consistency.
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Here’s the truth:
You don’t need to do less.
You need to feel safe while doing what you're doing.
Safety allows your nervous system to transition from threat to presence.
From survival to full self-expression.
You don’t need to do less.
You need to feel safe while doing what you're doing.
Safety allows your nervous system to transition from threat to presence.
From survival to full self-expression.
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Feeling safe is a biological state.
Rewire your mind out of perfectionism:
– Do 80% and call it success.
– Write emails/texts and don't recheck them.
– Let someone down and survive it.
– Rest without guilt.
Rewire your mind out of perfectionism:
– Do 80% and call it success.
– Write emails/texts and don't recheck them.
– Let someone down and survive it.
– Rest without guilt.
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As a Ph.D. clinical psychologist from @UTAustin
and a CBT-trained specialist at @Harvard, I can help you unlock your mental barriers for greater success.
So, if you feel lost, confused, or stressed out with your current life, schedule a free discovery call:
calendly.com/lorwen_consult…
and a CBT-trained specialist at @Harvard, I can help you unlock your mental barriers for greater success.
So, if you feel lost, confused, or stressed out with your current life, schedule a free discovery call:
calendly.com/lorwen_consult…