Do children owe their parents? This is something I have given deep...
Valia Babycats🍉@livetime_fe
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Oct 11, 2026
~10 min read
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Do children owe their parents?
This is something I have given deep thought to, and as someone who has a fairly healthy relationship with my incredibly loving and understanding parents, the answer is no.
Here's a thread why.
This is something I have given deep thought to, and as someone who has a fairly healthy relationship with my incredibly loving and understanding parents, the answer is no.
Here's a thread why.
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Do you owe them because they birthed you?
Purely based in the nature of the relationship, no. They chose to have you - for whatever reason. No child asked to be born. There is nothing to reciprocate here and therefore, you do not owe them
Purely based in the nature of the relationship, no. They chose to have you - for whatever reason. No child asked to be born. There is nothing to reciprocate here and therefore, you do not owe them
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Do you owe them because they spent money on your education and providing for you into adulthood?
Again, no. They chose to have you, and providing basic needs like food, shelter, clothing, education is a bare minimum. It is their duty to fund your basic needs because they had you
Again, no. They chose to have you, and providing basic needs like food, shelter, clothing, education is a bare minimum. It is their duty to fund your basic needs because they had you
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Do you owe them because "they are your parents"?
Absolutely not. Not all parents are equal. In fact most people who become parents aren't even qualified, and what they call "good parenting" depends on individual perspective. There is no benchmark here ++
Absolutely not. Not all parents are equal. In fact most people who become parents aren't even qualified, and what they call "good parenting" depends on individual perspective. There is no benchmark here ++
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++ and this could go to either extremes - you could turn out really good, or you could suffer from trauma. Parents don't really know what they're doing most of the time, and very few make the effort to actually learn and be healthy with their kids. Especially in older generations
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This lovely article by E B Johnson opens with
NEWS FLASH: You didn’t ask to be brought into this world and they had a legal (and moral) obligation to feed, clothe, school, and care for you.
medium.com/practical-grow….
NEWS FLASH: You didn’t ask to be brought into this world and they had a legal (and moral) obligation to feed, clothe, school, and care for you.
medium.com/practical-grow….
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Johnson goes on to talk about toxic parents who see their children as possessions. He says
"... you don’t owe your parents a thing. Not your happiness, not your career, not your family — nothing.
Your life is entirely your own, and your parents have no right to dictate that."
"... you don’t owe your parents a thing. Not your happiness, not your career, not your family — nothing.
Your life is entirely your own, and your parents have no right to dictate that."
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On toxic parents he also says
"While many of them like to remind us they are responsible for the gift of life, the real question is, what kind of gift is that when you’re constantly being emotionally battered and shamed? "
Feels so familiar no?
"While many of them like to remind us they are responsible for the gift of life, the real question is, what kind of gift is that when you’re constantly being emotionally battered and shamed? "
Feels so familiar no?
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Family can be amazing, but when they're not, setting boundaries is important and we have to do it without feeling any guilt, whatsoever.
"Failing to set these boundaries leaves you exposed to potential abuse, relationship interference, and more."
"Failing to set these boundaries leaves you exposed to potential abuse, relationship interference, and more."
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In reality, parents don't know how to parent their adult children. The idea of letting go, of accepting that they have grown up - especially in the Indian parent context - is so difficult. Somehow thye believe that purely by having existed on this planet longer, they know better
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We are guilted by our society, our traditions, our peers into believing that people deserve respect because they are older - no matter how shitty they are. We hear lines like "but after all they are your parents".
We often forget that they are human beings capable of being toxic
We often forget that they are human beings capable of being toxic
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Becoming parents doesn't absolve them of their misdemeanors nor does it automatically make them a better person. They're just the same person, with additional power over a tiny human who had no control over their life. And as you grew you they held on to that power.
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In an essay called “How to Grow Old,” philosopher Bertrand Russell, observes that some parents cling to youth “in the hope of sucking vigour from its vitality.”
sites.google.com/site/gobenyan/…
sites.google.com/site/gobenyan/…
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He also says
"When your children are grown up they want to live their own lives, and if you continue to be as interested in them as you were when they were young, you are likely to become a burden to them, unless they are unusually callous. ++
"When your children are grown up they want to live their own lives, and if you continue to be as interested in them as you were when they were young, you are likely to become a burden to them, unless they are unusually callous. ++
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++ I do not mean that one should be without interest in them, but one’s interest should be contemplative and, if possible, philanthropic, but not unduly emotional."
And this is where they fail as parents. They're unduly emotional. They believe them doing the basic is a sacrifice
And this is where they fail as parents. They're unduly emotional. They believe them doing the basic is a sacrifice
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Gratitude is a delicate subject. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this, but when both the parents and the children are good people, and parents can give without expecting anything in return, and often the children are grateful and act accordingly.
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But that is a best case scenario. As long as parents keep thinking their children owe them and raise them with that conditioning, toxic relationships are bound to exist.
Just remember. You don't owe your parents anything
Just remember. You don't owe your parents anything
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And yes, it goes without saying that they don't owe you anything either. If you are a garbage adult who is solely depending on inheritance to survive, then that's on you. Then your relationship is transactional. If you take care of your own adult life, you don't owe anyone
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Lots of people saying IT'S YOUR DUTY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARENTS IN THEIR OLD AGE, and to that I say, everything is built on mutual respect. If you treat your kids right and not guilt them, chances are they will treat you right and take care of you too. Love isn't transactional
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People COMPLETELY missing the entire point of this thread which is you don't "owe" your parents. If you have mutual respect and love you WILL take care of them without feeling like you "owe" them. This is for toxic relationships where kids feel the "owe" despite shitty parents.
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I don't "owe" my parents anything because I was never made to believe that my existence is an investment in their security during old age. We have love and I am more than happy to care for them.
It is when love becomes transactional and has ulterior motives that it's dangerous
It is when love becomes transactional and has ulterior motives that it's dangerous
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This thread was for the scores of Indian kids who have toxic parents who do inexcusable shit under the guise of "we care for you" but actually believe that it's the child's duty to care for them, even though they screwed up the kid's life and caused trauma.
You don't owe them.
You don't owe them.
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OBVIOUSLY IF YOU HAVE GOOD PARENTS AND A GOOD RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE GOING TO RECIPROCATE THE LOVE AND RESPECT.
In any case you don't "owe" ANYONE for being a decent human being and doing the bare minimum.
In any case you don't "owe" ANYONE for being a decent human being and doing the bare minimum.
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Some people not reading this thread properly and going off like I'm encouraging the youth to actively abandon their parents.
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Every day, so many LGBTQI kids in India go through hell because their parents refuse to accept them & instead impose their toxic views. Conversion therapy, "it's just a phase", what not. The parents *think* they're doing good, but they aren't.
Do these kids "owe" their parents?
Do these kids "owe" their parents?
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I'm not saying ALL parents are bad. All I'm saying is if your relationship with your parents is toxic, you don't need to feel like you owe them because you have been conditioned that way. You don't need to feel guilt for prioritising YOUR mental health.
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And so many Indian parents don't even realise that they're being toxic. That their "good intentions" are misplaced. Society is evolving, our perspectives are changing. What worked 20 years ago, won't fly now. You are allowed to be your own person and not have to feel guilt.
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Just want to leave this here with a reminder that LOVE IS NOT TRANSACTIONAL. I do what I do for my parents because I love them, not to repay them. And that's how it should be.
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Once again reminding you that not all parents are equal or even good parents. There are a lot of parents who will in a heartbeat pick caste, money, pride and "log kya kahenge" over their own goddamn kids. If you have good parents, you're lucky.
Rituparna Chatterjee@MasalaBai
"Hetal’s body was reportedly kept in cold storage until the ceremony was over."
The one line that tells you how dispensable women are in India. Their lives are meant nothing.
news18.com/amp/news/india…
The one line that tells you how dispensable women are in India. Their lives are meant nothing.
news18.com/amp/news/india…
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I got a lot of hate on this thread, but more on Secret, with some parents sending me anon messages defending ALL PARENTS. And one shared sentiment stood out for me, so I want to address that.
Apparently, there is no such thing as a "bad parent", so let's talk facts, shall we?
Apparently, there is no such thing as a "bad parent", so let's talk facts, shall we?
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Just because you are biologically capable of having a baby, does not mean you are qualified to raise one ergo there is a chance that you become a bad parent. Since there's this blanket statement made that ALL parents are good, here are 10 "good parents" who made the news
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1. This wonderful couple who hired someone to straight up murder their alcoholic, unemployed son because killing him off was easier than getting him into rehab . Stellar parenting technique, if you ask me
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2. This top tier dad who is such a good parent he beat his 2 year old to death - oh and he was drunk while he did it. Just absolutely wonderful parenting, no?
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3. This absolutely excellent parent who beat his 3 year old daughter to death because.... She spent too much time in the bathroom. Taught her a lesson for hogging the bathroom, didn't he?
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4. This most excellent mother who decided microwave her infant. Of course she knew what she was doing didn't she? Being a good parent (because there's no such thing as a bad parent)
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5. This champion dad who shot his ADULT daughter and stuffed her in a travel bag because she... Used to stay out late and also decided to marry someone SHE LIKED that he didn't approve of (HOW DARE SHE MAKE DECISIONS FOR HERSELF AS AN ADULT AND GO AGAINST GOOD PARENTS' WILL)
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6. This wonderful mom, who tied her 5 year old daughter's hands and legs and left her in the blazing sun, as punishment for not doing her homework.
Mother knows best! Even if it is illegal.
Mother knows best! Even if it is illegal.
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7. This amazing mom who decided to murder her teenage son, so she could be with her new lover.
But of course mother's love is unconditional no? (for whom, that we don't know)
But of course mother's love is unconditional no? (for whom, that we don't know)
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8. This fabulous dad who r*ped and impregnated his minor daughter, last month. Candidate for dad of the year surely?
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9. This other dad who wanted to also be father of the year so he r*ped his 14 year old daughter and impregnated her. But of course daddy can do no wrong, can he!
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10. And family of the year award candidates, father uncle and grandfather all r*ping the same girl. Blood is thicker than water friends, blood is thicker than water!
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In csse you haven't figured it out, I was being sarcastic. And now if you come at me saying "these are extreme cases" "these are exceptions", I want you to remember that all abuse starts off very small - manipulation, gaslighting, yelling, hitting are all forms of abuse
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They may not always lead to rape/extreme abuse/murder, but consistent manipulation and gaslighting over an extended period of time can also have a massive negative effect on the child and lead to trauma in adulthood, and is still very very valid as a toxic concern
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So no. Not all parents are good, not all people willingly had kids, some do it for family pressure. Not all people who had kids, like kids. Not all parents care about their kids equally. Not all parents are equal. Not all parents are good. There IS such a thing as a BAD PARENT
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Saw this today and I don't know who needs to see this, but it's okay to set your boundaries. People don't own you because they broke their back to provide for you. You are a human being and your feelings and emotions are valid
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Saw this today, and I dont know who needs to hear this, but this is so true.
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Also sharing this wonderful tweet as part of this giant controversial thread
Sheetal Sakpal@sheetal_bsakpal
Don't know who needs to hear this, but kids are not life partners. Expecting that kind of emotional support and connection from kids is sick and pathetic.
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Saw this and had to add it to this thread.
sai@Saisailu97
dear zindagi will forever be such a relatable movie for me and this scene always gets me
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k@krownnist
a lot of adults saying they will not be able to rewatch this movie as an adult is so relatable bcs back when I was a kid I felt his pain on his level and could not make sense of it anymore than he could. now it feels cruel that adults misunderstand kids to the point of abuse.