I think one of the reasons I got divorced is that I blamed my wife for things and that led to massive fights
With my new girlfriend, I don't blame her for *anything*. I take full responsibility when anything goes wrong between us and that helps calm her down
It calms her down to the point that sometimes she will say that it was in fact her fault and not my fault
But I never let her take any blame for anything that goes wrong between us
I shoulder that burden and that helps make her feel loved and appreciated
But I never let her take any blame for anything that goes wrong between us
I shoulder that burden and that helps make her feel loved and appreciated
We just finished a three week trip together –– five cities, three plane rides, over 20 hours driving, lots of activities –– and we only had two arguments
I think that's incredibly good
A huge part of that success is that I never once blamed her for anything that went wrong
I think that's incredibly good
A huge part of that success is that I never once blamed her for anything that went wrong
With my ex-wife, I saw us as "equals", so if she made a mistake and didn't take responsibility for it, I would get angry & complain she was being unfair
This often led to huge fights and over time led to alienation, resentment, confusion and the death of our love for each other
This often led to huge fights and over time led to alienation, resentment, confusion and the death of our love for each other
Remember:
She is like a child
Everything is your fault, nothing is her fault
Your job is to take care of her, protect her, love her, guide her, be patient with her, never argue with her, blame her, or complain to her that she is being "unfair"
She is like a child
Everything is your fault, nothing is her fault
Your job is to take care of her, protect her, love her, guide her, be patient with her, never argue with her, blame her, or complain to her that she is being "unfair"
She is not being "unfair", she is being a woman
And a woman by her very nature is blameless
And a woman by her very nature is blameless
@Pat_Stedman has a lot of deep insight into men and women so I’m glad he sees it this way too
Here’s how it works:
When I screw up, it’s my fault
When she screws up, it’s also my fault
If you think this is a “double standard” against men then I could also list a lot of double standards that go against women
We can’t just pick and choose how we want reality to work
When I screw up, it’s my fault
When she screws up, it’s also my fault
If you think this is a “double standard” against men then I could also list a lot of double standards that go against women
We can’t just pick and choose how we want reality to work
I'm usually skeptical of analogies, but maybe a good one is a sports coach and his players
Ultimately, the coach is responsible for the team’s performance. He decides what players play and for how long. He holds players accountable by training them and benching them if necessary
Ultimately, the coach is responsible for the team’s performance. He decides what players play and for how long. He holds players accountable by training them and benching them if necessary
Examples are usually better than analogies. Here's a made up example but I think it works
BAD DYNAMIC
-You screw up a restaurant reservation
-She blames you
-You accept the blame
-The next month, she screws up a reservation
-You blame her
-This somehow becomes a big fight
BAD DYNAMIC
-You screw up a restaurant reservation
-She blames you
-You accept the blame
-The next month, she screws up a reservation
-You blame her
-This somehow becomes a big fight
I think the above is a classic LTR mistake
The man screws up and his wife gives him heat. He takes responsibility but also feels resentful that she gave him a hard time
So he remembers –– and the next time she makes a similar mistake he "returns the favor" and gives her heat
The man screws up and his wife gives him heat. He takes responsibility but also feels resentful that she gave him a hard time
So he remembers –– and the next time she makes a similar mistake he "returns the favor" and gives her heat
This works from the paradigm that men and women are "equals" –– if I make a mistake and she gives me heat, well then when she makes a similar mistake she deserves to get heat from me
Wrong!
This is called being petty and not being a leader she can trust
She wants a leader
Wrong!
This is called being petty and not being a leader she can trust
She wants a leader
CORRECT DYNAMIC
-When I screw up a reservation, I deserve to get heat from her. I need to improve and be more competent. She needs a leader she can trust
-When she screws up a reservation, that is *not* her fault. I don't get to blame her for that. I don't have that right
-When I screw up a reservation, I deserve to get heat from her. I need to improve and be more competent. She needs a leader she can trust
-When she screws up a reservation, that is *not* her fault. I don't get to blame her for that. I don't have that right
CORRECT DYNAMIC (continued)
-If anything, it's *my fault* for allowing her to make the restaurant reservation, for delegating that duty to her
-But the overall right attitude is not to play "gotcha" with her. As a strong leader, I need to be above that tit-for-tat petty bullshit
-If anything, it's *my fault* for allowing her to make the restaurant reservation, for delegating that duty to her
-But the overall right attitude is not to play "gotcha" with her. As a strong leader, I need to be above that tit-for-tat petty bullshit
ASK RIVELINO
"Many women will abuse this"
If I am with a woman who abuses this, then that’s my fault as well. I need to either educate her to not abuse this –– stronger boundaries & punishing her the right way –– or I need to replace her with a better woman
See how it works?
"Many women will abuse this"
If I am with a woman who abuses this, then that’s my fault as well. I need to either educate her to not abuse this –– stronger boundaries & punishing her the right way –– or I need to replace her with a better woman
See how it works?
I'm doing my best to explain this topic, I can see how it can be misunderstood
I'm not saying that you can't ever call her out or correct her behavior –– in fact, you need to. That's your job to guide her and train her. You're the coach and she's the player, remember?
I'm not saying that you can't ever call her out or correct her behavior –– in fact, you need to. That's your job to guide her and train her. You're the coach and she's the player, remember?
And if she is a bad player and she ultimately won't listen to you, her coach, despite your best efforts, then you need to bench her or cut her from the team
That's your duty and your burden as the coach of the team
That's your duty and your burden as the coach of the team
What won't work is you blaming her and arguing with her and complaining to her about her behavior/mistakes in an emotional and butthurt way
Don't blame her. A good coach never blames his players. This is how he earns their trust and they play better for him
Don't blame her. A good coach never blames his players. This is how he earns their trust and they play better for him
Ideally, no one blames anybody for stupid little things (or bigger things)
But she is “allowed” to vent and blame me for dumb things/dumb mistakes and I need to stay calm and not get angry. See it as a shit test
However, I am not allowed to get angry at her for dumb mistakes
But she is “allowed” to vent and blame me for dumb things/dumb mistakes and I need to stay calm and not get angry. See it as a shit test
However, I am not allowed to get angry at her for dumb mistakes
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