@alpharivelino: I think one of the reasons I g...

I think one of the reasons I got divorced is that I blamed my wife for things and that led to massive fights

With my new girlfriend, I don't blame her for *anything*. I take full responsibility when anything goes wrong between us and that helps calm her down

It calms her down to the point that sometimes she will say that it was in fact her fault and not my fault

But I never let her take any blame for anything that goes wrong between us

I shoulder that burden and that helps make her feel loved and appreciated

We just finished a three week trip together –– five cities, three plane rides, over 20 hours driving, lots of activities –– and we only had two arguments

I think that's incredibly good

A huge part of that success is that I never once blamed her for anything that went wrong

With my ex-wife, I saw us as "equals", so if she made a mistake and didn't take responsibility for it, I would get angry & complain she was being unfair

This often led to huge fights and over time led to alienation, resentment, confusion and the death of our love for each other

Remember:

She is like a child

Everything is your fault, nothing is her fault

Your job is to take care of her, protect her, love her, guide her, be patient with her, never argue with her, blame her, or complain to her that she is being "unfair"

She is not being "unfair", she is being a woman

And a woman by her very nature is blameless

Even if she cheats on you, it's your fault

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@Pat_Stedman has a lot of deep insight into men and women so I’m glad he sees it this way too

Here’s how it works:

When I screw up, it’s my fault

When she screws up, it’s also my fault

If you think this is a “double standard” against men then I could also list a lot of double standards that go against women

We can’t just pick and choose how we want reality to work

I'm usually skeptical of analogies, but maybe a good one is a sports coach and his players

Ultimately, the coach is responsible for the team’s performance. He decides what players play and for how long. He holds players accountable by training them and benching them if necessary

Examples are usually better than analogies. Here's a made up example but I think it works

BAD DYNAMIC
-You screw up a restaurant reservation
-She blames you
-You accept the blame
-The next month, she screws up a reservation
-You blame her
-This somehow becomes a big fight

I think the above is a classic LTR mistake

The man screws up and his wife gives him heat. He takes responsibility but also feels resentful that she gave him a hard time

So he remembers –– and the next time she makes a similar mistake he "returns the favor" and gives her heat

This works from the paradigm that men and women are "equals" –– if I make a mistake and she gives me heat, well then when she makes a similar mistake she deserves to get heat from me

Wrong!

This is called being petty and not being a leader she can trust

She wants a leader

CORRECT DYNAMIC
-When I screw up a reservation, I deserve to get heat from her. I need to improve and be more competent. She needs a leader she can trust
-When she screws up a reservation, that is *not* her fault. I don't get to blame her for that. I don't have that right

CORRECT DYNAMIC (continued)
-If anything, it's *my fault* for allowing her to make the restaurant reservation, for delegating that duty to her
-But the overall right attitude is not to play "gotcha" with her. As a strong leader, I need to be above that tit-for-tat petty bullshit

ASK RIVELINO

"Many women will abuse this"

If I am with a woman who abuses this, then that’s my fault as well. I need to either educate her to not abuse this –– stronger boundaries & punishing her the right way –– or I need to replace her with a better woman

See how it works?

I'm doing my best to explain this topic, I can see how it can be misunderstood

I'm not saying that you can't ever call her out or correct her behavior –– in fact, you need to. That's your job to guide her and train her. You're the coach and she's the player, remember?

And if she is a bad player and she ultimately won't listen to you, her coach, despite your best efforts, then you need to bench her or cut her from the team

That's your duty and your burden as the coach of the team

What won't work is you blaming her and arguing with her and complaining to her about her behavior/mistakes in an emotional and butthurt way

Don't blame her. A good coach never blames his players. This is how he earns their trust and they play better for him

Ideally, no one blames anybody for stupid little things (or bigger things)

But she is “allowed” to vent and blame me for dumb things/dumb mistakes and I need to stay calm and not get angry. See it as a shit test

However, I am not allowed to get angry at her for dumb mistakes

In other words, I need to have a higher level of emotional control

That’s my burden as the man of the relationship, as the leader, as the coach of the team

That’s the double standard. I need to have higher emotional control

She will shit test me and I will stay calm

Again, there are other “double standards” that work against women, both in LTRs and in dating

That’s sort of the whole point of believing in traditional gender roles

It’s believing that men and women have different strengths and different roles to play in the family unit

Excellent insights by Alexander @datepsych in this thread

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The breadsticks example is a good one. It might sound silly, but remember, we are all emotional creatures

Real couples have devolved into bickering children over silly little mistakes like this one

Here's a good example

On our trip, my girl and and I went to an outdoor jazz concert. It rained. I had taken my raincoat but she hadn't taken hers. I gave her mine and I got wet

I didn't blame her or complain about being wet. Instead I did my very best to enjoy the concert

Imagine if I had not given her my raincoat and she got wet and I stayed dry. That would be selfish, unromantic, and a huge failure on my part as her BF

A man's first job is to protect his woman even & especially if that means he has to suffer

This is what it means to be a man

Imagine if I had given her my raincoat, she stayed dry, I got wet – but then I complained about being wet and not being able to enjoy the concert

That would be passive aggressive and pathetic, the mark of a man not ready to be a true leader

How could she trust that man again?

She made a mistake by not taking her raincoat. The weather said that rain was possible, even likely

But I can't blame her for that, because I'm her leader, I'm responsible for her

I made the bigger mistake in not requiring her to take her raincoat

In fact, I made four mistakes

I made four mistakes

• I didn't make sure she took her raincoat
• I didn't take an extra shirt
• I didn't buy a cheap poncho on the way to the concert (they were for sale)
• When it started to rain, I didn't find shelter, instead we got caught in the rain while buying food

I took ownership of these four mistakes –– they were my fault, not hers

Everything is my fault. Nothing is her fault

I can't "pass the buck" and blame her if I'm wet at an outdoor jazz concert

I can blame myself, forgive myself, and do my best to enjoy the music

Step 1 is to be generous and protective of your woman

Step 2 is to see how she reacts. My girl reacted the way a good girl should. She said it was *her* fault she didn't bring her raincoat, she worried I was going to catch a cold and she was grateful to me for taking care of her

In other words, she didn't take advantage of the situation, she wasn't "abusive" of my generosity

She reacted the way a normal/healthy person reacts to generosity and kindness: she was grateful

And then it stopped raining, the sun came out, she took off the raincoat, I took off my wet shirt and put on the raincoat instead (her idea), and we had a great time at the concert

No big fight. No bickering and arguing

Instead, fun times and good memories

HUGE DIFFERENCE

The "previous version" of me would have seen me and my girlfriend as equals

(Every man for himself, every person held accountable for their own mistakes)

But I would still want to be kind and give her my raincoat

So then I would be pissed but confused if I did the right thing

With my new insight into men and women –– she is like a child, everything is my fault, nothing is her fault –– I **knew** that I was doing the right thing

I knew what my role was as a man, without any doubt

And she could see that in my eyes

And so now she trusts me more

As you can probably see by how much I'm talking about it, this raincoat experience was one of the trip highlights

Being the kind of man I want to be, taking care of my girl, acting with discipline, loving her the right way through actions

This is what gives meaning to life!

Excellent input and insight by @themultibeast explaining why “she is like a child” is such a helpful and useful way to see women

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More thoughts on this topic:

I can never “force” a woman to take the blame for a mistake

Blaming her, shaming her, accusing her, arguing, complaining — none of this helps her accept accountability for a mistake

In fact, it does the opposite — she only gets more defensive

The only way I can get her to take accountability for a mistake is to “inspire” her to take accountability

Only when I take full blame & responsibility for her mistake, only then can she feel the “relief” of not feeling trapped, pressured, cornered

Then maybe she accepts blame

“Do you want to be right or married” is an incomplete but maybe a decent way to look at this Extreme Pussy Ownership strategy

Or maybe it’s bad — because that’s how resentment builds up

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The more I think about it, this idea of being "right" is exactly the problem

When I took my raincoat to the outdoor jazz concert and my girl didn't take hers, can I say that I was "right" and she was "wrong"?

NO

I was WRONG because I didn't guide her to make the right decision

I am her leader

I am responsible for her

I need to help guide her to make the right decisions

To do that, I need to make sure I know what those right decisions are

Extreme Pussy Ownership means taking full responsibility for her well being

I cannot shirk this responsibility

"I refuse to shoulder blame for my girl just to keep her happy. At the end of the day, she is an adult and needs to act like one."

This is exactly the wrong takeaway from my thread

The Extreme Pussy Ownership strategy has nothing to do with keeping her "happy"

Back to the coach/players analogy

The coach cannot be worried about any of the players' individual "happiness"

(Example: he needs to bench or cut players that are underperforming)

Everything the coach does is focused on the goal of winning

The team performance is what matters

The Extreme Pussy Ownership strategy has nothing to do with keeping your girl "happy"

You are NOT catering to her whims –– that would be a disaster!

That is the opposite of what a leader does

If all you do is cater to her whims, then she is the leader and you are her follower

The Extreme Pussy Ownership strategy has everything to do with making sure that your girl's values and her performance align with yours

You are training her the way a good head coach trains his players to perform to the best of their talent and ability

"Your thread is awesome"

Nash @DaysOfGame_com knows a lot about women so I'm glad he likes this thread

Beautiful insights into this topic by naira @___nargis

Read her thread, it's GOOD

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"men look childlike when they're bickering back"

EXACTLY

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"when women date, they want someone to *ease the burden* of existence"

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Taking all the blame when things go wrong is not being "nice"

A head coach trains, educates, teaches and guides his players to greater performance

A head coach is not "nice". He is not a pushover

Maybe I need to come up with more examples

"Women are not this difficult to understand"

Hmmm, curious. I would think that most women would want men to see them as fascinatingly intricate and complex creatures

Or maybe she's just saying this out of frustration?

Will ponder this more

"Taking responsbility is the masculine role"

Exactly! Thank you, Hyperborean milkmaid @Elkandash

I made a Twitter poll on the outdoor jazz concert situation

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"I would find that offensive"

She's not lying. She really believes this. It's just that right now she's in her "logical brain" but she isn't always in that state –– especially not when things get heated

Any man who has been in a relationship knows what I'm talking about

THE MAN’S ROLE

1-Protect your woman, guide her, earn her trust as her leader

2-Educate her, correct her behavior when necessary - this requires you knowing what behavior you need from her

3-If anything goes wrong with #1 or #2, that’s your fault. Accept blame, don’t blame her

I think a lot of young men don’t realize their masculine role and that’s why they’re confused

This is understandable because they were never taught what their role needs to be

They think — like I used to think — that an LTR was two equal partners sharing joint leadership

Also, it’s possible that a lot of men don’t want to take on their role because their woman doesn’t inspire them

A man is inspired to protect and care for a woman that is wholesome, feminine and delicate

If she’s loud, entitled and full of tattoos — who wants to protect that?

It’s almost as if for a man to grow into his role of becoming a good man, he needs to find himself a good woman to be the catalyst for his growth

He needs something beautiful to protect in order to want to take on the role of the protector and leader

Otherwise, why bother

And this is where we run into a big problem

The lack of healthy wholesome delicate women in our society — this stunts the growth of young men

Young men can’t find themselves a good woman so they distract themselves with immature activities like video games and fantasy sports

This post also helps explain the "she is like a child" masculine mindset

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