@Aamyungv: Metanoia; a #yoonminauHe tas...

Metanoia; a #yoonminau

He tastes of cheap beer and cigarettes. His hands are rough where they touch him, holds him. They are big, covers his throat where he holds him. Those lips are chapped, nothing on them to soften them up.

The kiss is just like that. Rough. Like those lips.

Yoongi stirs the broth, “I am doing my best to not look at the catastrophe on the cutting board.”

Jimin gapes, “was that supposed to be a jab?”

“Yes,” Yoongi nods.

Jimin stares, “I have a knife in my grasp, and you are pissing me off. Do you see the stupidity here?”

Yoongi sighs, looking at the cutting board with distaste, “yeah, you are terrible at this.”

Jimin looks at the board too, “what did I do wrong? They are chopped!”

Yoongi points, “they are so uneven-”

“They will boil in the broth!” Jimin puts his hands on his hips, “who cares?”

It dawns on them at the same time.

The déjà vu.

They had this conversation before. Jimin wrapped in Yoongi's arms, Yoongi's chin on Jimin's shoulder. Jimin, cutting the onions with a pout and saying the exact words.

They both stare at the onions. Both going frozen.

Jimin swallows, the knife feeling heavy in his hold now. He risks a glance at Yoongi who is still looking at the cutting board.

“I tried my best,” Jimin whispers, voice thin.

Yoongi blinks, his expression going blank. He nods.

“I know. Just, your best is not good enough.”

Yoongi takes the knife from Jimin and picks up the chopping board. Jimin watches Yoongi swipe the onions in the bin and starts on a fresh one.

Jimin feels the burn in his eyes this time too. He swallows, watching Yoongi for a second too long.

“I am sorry,” he whispers.

Yoongi chuckles, “don't worry. Who cares? It's not worth your time anyway.”

Jimin reaches out in desperation, grasping the sleeve of Yoongi's shirt, “please.”

Yoongi freezes, looking at where Jimin holds him and back at Jimin's face. Jimin clutches onto the sleeve.

“Please?” Yoongi chuckles, his voice empty, “since when you worry about worthless things like this? Just go. I will take care of it-”

“You know what I mean,” Jimin steps closer to Yoongi in his urgency, “you know what I am talking about.”

Jimin hates how Yoongi smiles at him.

Yoongi looks at him with burning eyes, his smile chilling Jimin to his core.

“I know,” Yoongi nods, “but, I don't owe you forgiveness, Park Jimin. Never fucking ask that of me.”

Jimin flinches when Yoongi jerks his hand free, turning away. Jin walks in right at that moment.

Yoongi dumps the onions in the broth and holds out the spatula for Jin. He storms out of the kitchen.

Jimin follows him.

The others are starting a movie that they will watch while eating. Yoongi goes to sit beside Jungkook and Jimin sits on the other side, beside Taehyung.

⛈⛈⛈⛈⛈

Yoongi can't focus on the movie. The past six years keep flashing across his eyes. He can't help but remember how much he had to struggle to get accepted in a company.

He can't help but remember the time he was scammed and all of his works were registered under a different name.

Yoongi still remembers seeing Jimin's sign on those pages. It burns something inside him when he thinks how his hardwork is paying someone else.

He can't believe Jimin thinks a damn sorry will do anything to heal that. He can't believe Jimin has the audacity to even say that.

When the movie ends, Yoongi gets up quickly, “I need to go. I have some work I left unfinished.”

They all excuse him. Yoongi picks up his keys and gets out of the apartment. He drives back to his apartment in blind rage.

This rage is his companion for six years now.

Nothing ever soothes it. Yoongi can't get it out of his system, no matter how hard he tries. It's always there. Shimmering right under his skin. Keeping him at the edge. This anger bubbled in his veins, he has no clue how to get rid of it.

It burns him to look at Jimin.

Yoongi busies himself with work. Namjoon and Hoseok come to his studio, talk among themselves, try to make him join in. Yoongi dutifully ignores them.

But, he still knows Taehyung bought an apartment here, making Jimin get one in the same building. Right beside him.

“They are throwing a joined house-warming party,” Hoseok comes into his studio one day, “you are coming with me.”

“I am not,” Yoongi shakes his head, “my work-”

“Can wait,” Namjoon joins Hoseok, “Koo is starting to think you still don't like Tae, and it won't fly. Come on.”

Yoongi rubs his forehead, tired, “I just don't understand why koo needs my approval anyway. He is dating the man he loves, end of story.”

“You know he values your opinion, and he loves you, hyung,” Hoseok sits on the chair next to Yoongi, “don't upset him. Come on.”

Yoongi goes to the party with Hoseok. He walks in to see the people attending the party. Almost all of them are known faces.

Jeonna and her husband are there, along with Sunmi and many others from their college days.

Yoongi already hates the gathering.

Yoongi notices Jimin is there with Yeon strapped to him. He watches how Sunmi talks to Jimin, cooing at the baby.

Yoongi takes himself to the kitchen where the drink counter is. He picks up a bottle of beer and watches the crowd in the room.

“Some things don't change, huh?”

“These two still know how to throw the best parties,” Jin comes up beside him, a martini in his hand, “no?”

Yoongi sips his beer, shrugs, “some people never change. Yeah.”

Jin looks at him, “I didn't think you would come.”

“Your husband and Hoba kept nagging,” Yoongi sighs.

⛈⛈⛈⛈⛈⛈

“So, are you dating anyone right now?” Sunmi asks, eyeing Yeon with a smile.

Jimin shakes his head, “went on a few dates. Nothing important. I am fine being single.”

“Don't you feel overwhelmed with the baby alone?” she makes funny faces at Yeon.

Jimin does. All the time.

“It will get easier with time,” Jimin murmurs, looking at Yeon's sleepy face, “hopefully.”

Sunmi nods, her eyes never wavering from Yeon, “of course. You got this, Jiminah,” she looks over Jimin's shoulder and chuckles, “these past few years changed so much. No?”

“The outcasts of our uni are now all famous,” she smiles, shakes her head, “I still wonder why we were so mean to them...”

Jimin looks over at where she is looking. Yoongi and Hoseok are saying something to Namjoon, all of them laughing together.

Jimin looks away, nodding.

“What the hell were we doing,” Sunmin sloshes the drink in her glass, humming to herself, “thank god, we grew out of that phrase, huh?”

Jimin hums, “thank god for that, yeah.”

He winces when Yeon squirms, a whimper leaving her mouth. Jimin excuses himself from Sunmi.

“Let us handle her, sir,” one of her nannies ask him with a kind smile, “you enjoy the party. We will be in your apartment with her.”

Jimin hands her over, “please call me if you need anything, okay? I will check up as soon as I can.”

They take her away with them.

Jimin lets out a deep breath, rolling his shoulders. He feels exhausted.

“Want to dance?” Taehyung comes up to him, bright eyes and a wide smile on his face.

Jimin smiles back, shaking his head, “maybe later.”

He goes to pour himself a drink.

“Jimin. Hi, how are you?”

Jimin turns and winces when he sees who it is. A guy he used to hang out with in college. One of the guys he sent after Yoongi.

Jimin forces a smile on his lips, nodding, “hey, Jiho. I am fine.”

“It has been so long,” Jiho pulls him in a hug.

“Yeah, it is,” Jimin pulls back to look at his old batch mate, “how have you been?”

“Good,” Jiho grins, “damn, it feels like just yesterday when we would hang out in uni, no?”

Jimin chuckles, “I feel like it has been ages...”

The conversation is easy, flowing for some time...

“Excuse me.”

They both look over to see Namjoon. Jimin watches Yoongi come up beside Namjoon.

Jiho gives them way for the drinks and shakes his head at Jimin, “it's wild how a few years can change so much. I mean, what do you mean these ones are famous now, eh?”

Jimin winces.

“Yeah, who would have thought that the people you used to bully can do better in life than you, huh?” Yoongi chuckles, facing them, “funny how life works when your parents aren't able to support you. Eh?”

Jimin grasps the glass in his hand, “guys,” he shakes his head, “don't.”

Yoongi snorts, leaning against the counter. Jiho looks embarrassed, a little red in the face.

“Heard your company went bankrupt, Jiho,” Yoongi sips his drink, eyes sharp, “what? Buttering him up, so you can get something out of him now?”

Jimin curses when Jiho flinches visibly.

“I am not-” Jiho fumbles for words, eyes wide and a little perplexed.

Yoongi hums, “suits you. Milk him, yeah. He deserves nothing better anyway.”

Jimin watches Yoongi turn away, shouldering past them towards the balcony.

“Jimin, I wasn't-” Jiho reaches for him, desperate...

Jimin shakes Jiho's hand away, blindly following Yoongi out on the balcony.

Yoongi leans against the railing, looking lost in his thoughts.

Jimin knows he shouldn't be here. He knows he should probably let the man be, but he just can't. He can't seem to take the hate anymore.

“Why do you keep following me?” Yoongi sighs, head bowing, “can't you fucking leave me alone?”

“I just,” Jimin swallows, “I know I have done wrong but you have no right to insult me like that in front of others-”

Yoongi snorts, looking over his shoulder at Jimin, “oh?”

“Oh, you don't deserve to be verbally insulted, but, I deserved the physical threat?” Yoongi stands up, “I deserved-”

“I said, I am sorry!” Jimin hisses, frustrated, “what else can I do? Tell me! I will! I can't take this anymore! Tell me what else can I do for you?!”

Yoongi watches him, expression blank, “turn back time,” his voice comes out cold, “give me back my lost chances. My lost years. My struggles that I didn't deserve. God,” Yoongi curses, “get out of my face, before I do something. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you!”

“I fucked up so many things in my life because I never recovered from the blow,” Yoongi hisses, “I messed up my relationship with Seung because I never fucking recovered!” he grits his teeth, “all because of you! You ruined me, Park Jimin!”

Jimin swallows, “I am sorry-”

“Why do you think your sorry means shit to me?” Yoongi snorts, eyes burning on Jimin's face, “why do you think it adds up to anything? Huh?” he tongues his cheek, trying to calm the bubbling anger in him, “you have no idea how it feels to be used like that! Seriously, go away!”

Jimin clutches onto Yoongi's elbow, “tell me what can I do to make it better?” he shakes his head, his chest burning, “tell me. I will do it. This guilt,” Jimin can feel his eyes watering, “this guilt is killing me-”

Yoongi smirks, “that's your punishment, then. Burn in it.”

“Please,” Jimin steps up to Yoongi, desperate, “can't we put this all behind us? Please, I will do anything-”

Yoongi watches him, watches how desperate Jimin looks. Watches how words come out of Jimin's lips as blabber. Thinks how this is exactly how he was six years ago.

“Anything?” Yoongi wonders, a cruel smile on his lips, “you will do anything?”

Jimin nods, inhaling deeply, “anything. Just tell me...”

Yoongi leans against the railing, eyes never wavering from Jimin's face.

“Would you sleep with me?”

Jimin goes still. His breath hitching.

“What?” Jimin whispers.

Yoongi hums, “you heard me. Would you sleep with me?”

Jimin is not sure what to say to that. His mind reels. His heart racing in his chest.

“What are you talking about-”

“In this whole fiasco,” Yoongi stands up, “that part still haunts me.”

“I want you to know how it feels when you give so much to someone who uses you for their pleasure and then throws some money at your face before leaving,” Yoongi hisses on Jimin's face, “I want you to know how it feels to be used like that and treated like that. Can you do it?”

“It ruins you,” Yoongi chews out, “it ruins your self-respect. It ruins your chances with the one who is perfect for you,” Yoongi's face contorts, “I ruined something perfect with my bare hands because I can't get past that feeling of worthlessness. You will never know how it f-”

“I was an idiot,” Jimin chokes out, throat tightening, “I was such an idiot, I am sorry. Okay? I am really sorry.”

“Yeah, that means nothing to me,” Yoongi shakes his head, “you were never in my shoes, you will never understand how it feels. So, get out of my face right now!”

“Can you do it though?” Jimin whispers, steps forward, “can you?”

Yoongi frowns, “what?”

Jimin nods, “fine, I will sleep with you, if that's what you need to forgive me, but can you do it?” he watches Yoongi, “the Yoongi I knew, he would never stoop that low. Can you?”

“The Yoongi you knew?” Yoongi laughs, shakes his head, “you know nothing. You never cared enough to know-”

Jimin watches the man in front of him, his eyes wandering over Yoongi's face.

If Yoongi accepts, he will know this is not the Yoongi he owes anything to.

“𝐼 𝑓𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑖𝑛 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑤𝑖𝑡𝘩 𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑌𝑜𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑖 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑖𝑓 𝘩𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑑 𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜 𝑡𝘩𝑖𝑠, 𝑡𝘩𝑒𝑛 𝐼 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜𝑜.”

Jimin shrugs, “I will be in my apartment,” he grasps his hands in front of him, “come by, if you want.”

Jimin goes to his apartment. Sits on his couch, staring at the floor with a blank expression.

The minutes pass by. Jimin sits there with nothing on his mind.

He feels numb. Cold. Everything feels cold.

When the doorbell rings, Jimin stares at the door, getting up to open it.

He reaches for the lock with trembling hands. His body moves, but his mind feels numb. Jimin swallows when he pulls the door open.

Taehyung stands there, “you left without informing me. I was searching. The party ended. Come on, let's have dinner. The others are waiting.”

Jimin watches Taehyung, “…the others?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung nods, “well, except for Yoongi hyung. He left too. Koo called him, he said he had some work. Come on.”

Jimin's eyes fill with tears, he bites down on his lower lip to control them, but they spill out of his eyes.

“Mimi?” Taehyung goes all alert, “what's wrong-”

Jimin feels the relief course through him. He lurches forward to hug Taehyung. Shaking his head when Taehyung keeps asking what's wrong.

“Nothing,” he sniffles, “nothing.”

Taehyung holds him close, rubbing his back...

☁️

Yoongi buries himself in work. He ignores everything else for the next two or so weeks. He works until there's nothing in his mind, and he goes home when his secretary threatens him.

It feels surreal. That night still runs in Yoongi's mind and he hates himself for his own words.

He hates the person he is turning into, and it terrifies him that Jimin still has that effect on him.

“I need to get laid,” he says to Hosoek one day, “I need to seriously get laid.”

“Go out then,” Hoseok deadpans, “you stay locked in this damn studio for too long anyway.”

“We are going out for Jungkook's album's success party,” Hoseok says, poking Yoongi with his toes, “come with us. You can find someone there.”

Yoongi thinks about it with a nod, “sounds about right. The party is in the company, right?”

Hoseok hums, “yep. On the rooftop.”

“Maybe I should call Seung,” Yoongi leans back, staring at the ceiling, “maybe...”

“Why? You want to marry him?” Hoseok asks.

Yoongi winces, “okay, got the point. I just,” he curses, “shit, I miss him, you know? I miss him so much.”

Hoseok lets him blabber, nodding along.

“Maybe, that's what I need,” Yoongi looks at Hoseok, “marriage. Maybe, I should settle down.”

Hoseok eyes him, “you can't play with shit like that, hyung. Don't do it unless you are sure. Also, stop dragging Seung in your mess.”

Yoongi knows all that. He ignores Hoseok's words.

====

The party is loud. Jungkook's songs playing on the highest volume. Yoongi finds himself by the bar, going through his messages with Seung. He sips the champagne and writes a message.

'How are you?'

He looks up to see the others, everyone dancing with the music.

He pauses when he sees Jimin. Jimin is there with Taehyung. They are talking to one of the other idols. Yoongi presses send.

The reply comes faster than Yoongi was anticipating.

'Out for a friend's birthday. You?'

Yoongi sighs, typing.

'At a party, too.'

Yoongi curses when Jungkook comes bouncing over and grabs his wrist.

“Hyung, join us,” Jungkook pulls Yoongi towards a table, “come on.”

Yoongi finds himself in front of a round table, he looks around.

“We are playing kiss or dare,” Taehyung explains, “let's roll the bottle!”

Yoongi winces, “are you guys still kids or what? Who plays shit like this at our age?”

“We are young by heart,” Jin glares, “now roll the damn bottle, Jungkookie.”

Jungkook rolls the bottle, Yoongi watches Hoseok and Taehyung end up face to face. He sits, looking at his phone.

'Damn, sir, send me a picture,' Seung has written.

Yoongi smiles at the screen, typing, 'of me, or…?'

He knows that maybe they shouldn't walk down this path, but he can't help it. It feels natural, familiar. Yoongi looks up time to time, watching them play.

“Yoongi!”

Yoongi jumps, looking up, “what?”

“Give him a dare,” Namjoon says, points.

Yoongi looks across from him and Jimin is looking at him. Yoongi clutches the phone. Jimin looks away, his eyes wandering anywhere but on Yoongi.

Yoongi can't think of anything at all.

“Well?” Jin elbows him.

Yoongi watches Jimin, his mind racing, “post your address on your social media.”

The table goes silent.

Jimin gapes at him, and Yoongi's lips twitch.

“What?” Yoongi arches a brow, “it's supposed to be daring.”

Jin curses, “yeah, well. True that.”

“You understand that if he can't, he has to kiss you, right?” Jungkook delivers, hesitant.

Yoongi winces, “shit, I forgot that. Well, then,” he shrugs, “go to the swimming pool and stay in the water for ten minutes.”

“It's freezing out there,” Taehyung frowns, “hyung, come on.”

Yoongi gives a short laugh, “if you all don't want him to do anything, why is he even playing?” He looks at Jimin, “by the way, if you can't, just kiss someone else. I am not getting into that mes-”

Jimin gets up to leave, making them all jump.

“Are you nuts?!” Taehyung shouts.

“Stop it, chim,” Hoseok calls after Jimin too, turning to Yoongi, “are you nuts?! He has a kid to look after!”

“Jimin!” Taehyung and Jin rush after Jimin.

“That was uncalled for, hyung,” Jungkook curses, running after them too.

Namjoon and Hoseok follow him too.

Yoongi rolls his eyes, reaches for the beer bottle and takes a sip. He gets up and shrugs on his coat.

He knows Jimin won't do it. The others will stop him. He looks at his phone when it rings.

Seung.

Yoongi picks up the call, leaving the party while talking to Seung.

He wakes up the next morning to numerous texts from his friends. Yoongi frowns, going through each one of them before he calls Jungkook.

“What's wrong?”

Jungkook curses, “where were you last night?”

Yoongi shrugs, “I went home, why?”

“Jiminie hyung completed the dare.”

Yoongi rubs his temple, “we are still on it-”

“Yes!” Taehyung takes the phone from Jungkook, his voice venomous, “yes, we are! He has high fever now! Because of your dumb dare, he is ill, and I have to leave for my schedule. Jungkook is busy. Who will look after him?!”

“How is any of that my business?” Yoongi frowns, “he wanted a dare, I gave him. He could have backed out. No one held him at gunpoint. Also, he can afford help.”

Taehyung curses, “you are so selfish, hyung-”

“I don't see why it's my business,” Yoongi shrugs, “really.”

“We all will be out of town, hyung,” Jungkook speaks into the phone, “the baby...”

Yoongi curses, “listen, if he is stupid enough to follow through something he can't afford, then let him handle it. Stop wasting my time.”

Yoongi cuts the call.

He is meeting Seung today.

====

Jimin rolls on the bed. The fever is burning him. He whines, wondering what was he thinking.

The fact is, he was not thinking. He just wanted to wipe that smirk off of Yoongi's face. He just wanted to show that man that he can do what Yoongi clearly thinks he can't.

Maybe he shouldn't have.

Yeon is awake. He can hear her cries from where he is. Her day-time nanny is struggling to keep up with her. Jimin rolls on the bed, coughing in his hand.

His entire body contorts with pain, his joints hurting.

Jimin winces when the doorbell rings. The sound making him curl in on himself.

He wonders who it is. Taehyung left early in the morning. Jungkook is not home either. He hopes whoever it is, the nanny will be able to make them leave.

“You are such a dumbass.”

Jimin flinches.

He looks over his shoulder and freezes. Yoongi looks pissed, staring at him with a scowl.

“Who asked you to do this when you know you can't handle it?” Yoongi combs his long hair back, “can't believe I have to be here when I had so much shit planned for today-”

Jimin blinks.

Yoongi reaches for the thermometer, sitting at the edge of the bed. He holds it out of Jimin's mouth.

Jimin opens his mouth, “why… are you here?”

Yoongi shrugs, “no idea.”

Jimin closes his mouth around the thermometer and Yoongi waits. His eyes on anything but Jimin.

Jimin coughs, letting Yoongi pull the thermometer away.

“Shit,” Yoongi curses, “102! Why the fuck did you jump into that damn pool?” he glares at Jimin, “are you out of your mind-”

“I refuse to kiss you,” Jimin whispers.

Yoongi stares, Jimin stares back.

Jimin coughs, looking away. His chest hurts with every cough. Yoongi gets up. Jimin closes his eyes, curling in on himself.

He feels the bed dip again and opens his eyes to see Yoongi. Yoongi pushes him to lie on his back and places a wet cloth on his forehead.

“I have no idea if you have ice-bag or not,” Yoongi mutters, “that nanny looks half-dead. Do you have anyone else who can come-” he pauses when he sees Jimin closing his eyes.

Yoongi watches Jimin slowly fall asleep due to the fatigue with a long sigh.

Yoongi sits there, changing the wet cloth time to time. He winces when he hears Yeon cry again. He looks at Jimin and gets up to go to the other room.

“Uhh,” he peeks in, watching the nanny walk all around the room, “what's wrong with her?”

The nanny looks frantic.

“She eats only when sir feeds her,” she whimpers, “baby is not eating, and she is hungry, and she is probably searching for sir. But, Taehyung sir said to not take her to sir because of the cold-”

Yoongi nods, walking up to them, “can you make the formula? Give her to me.”

He takes a thrashing Yeon from the nanny and watches her run to make the formula.

“Oww,” Yoongi winces when Yeon grabs a fistful of his hair, “okay, okay, I get it. I shouldn't have told your papa to jump into the pool. Don't punish me for that. He shouldn't have done it.”

Yoongi looks at Yeon. His eyes wandering over Yeon's tear-soaked face.

“I still can't believe you are real,” Yoongi pats her back, whispers, “god, you are just…” she looks exactly like Jimin.

Yoongi holds her to his chest, humming to her while she cries against him.

“I am sorry, bub,” Yoongi whispers to her, “I wasn't thinking who would look after you.”

Yeon whimpers, tiny hands grasping at Yoongi's shirt. She pulls back to look at him. Tearful eyes staring up at Yoongi's face.

Yoongi tries to smile, “I am sorry for doing that to papa.”

He takes the formula from the nanny and goes to sit on the bed.

“I am a stranger, I know,” he sighs, looking at Yeon, “but, work with me, bub, okay?” Yoongi smiles, “Yoonie and Yeonie can do this. Yeah?”

Yeon blinks when Yoongi holds the bottle in front of her lips.

🌧️🌧️🌧️🌧️

“It's just fever, but he is stressed too,” the doctor looks at Jimin with a serious expression, “he needs rest. Even if he wakes up, make sure he is not working himself too much.”

Yoongi nods, “thanks, doctor.”

Hoseok guides the doctor out of the room, taking the prescription.

“You should go home,” Hoseok comes back to the bedroom, looking at Yoongi, “you are here for almost the entire day now. I will handle the night.”

Yoongi looks at Yeon in his arms, “she refuses to leave me.”

Hoseok reaches for her, “she is probably missing her papa.”

Yoongi and Hoseok watch, alarmed, how Yeon's lips start to wobble the moment Hoseok takes her from Yoongi. Fresh tears gathering in her eyes.

Yoongi snatches her from Hoseok, “so, this is not an option.”

Hoseok nods, staring at her, “I will cook something. You stay with her.”

Yoongi sits on the bed, looking at her in his arms.

“I need to smoke though,” he talks to her, “you need to sleep, princess. You are awake for so long.”

Yeon looks at him, eyes glistening. Her face shows wonder, trying to understand Yoongi or maybe recognize him.

She tries to put both of her hands into her mouth, saliva going everywhere. Yoongi wipes her mouth, smiling when she starts to chew her thumb.

“Princess doesn't sleep?” he plays with her hands, lying her on his legs, “is princess missing papa?”

Yeon stares, eyes wide.

Yoongi pauses when a toothless smile blooms on her lips. Her eyes squinting, smiling first, then she is. She giggles, looking at Yoongi.

There is something so familiar in that ring of laughter. There is something so nostalgic in that wide smile.

Yoongi's chest aches.

Yoongi smiles too, a little broken. He pulls Yeon to his chest.

“I hope your smile never changes, princess,” he whispers, blinking back the moisture in his eyes, “I hope you don't turn out like your father,” he swallows, “I hope you always stay this innocent. Good.”

He looks at where Jimin is sleeping. His face pale. The dark circles around his eyes prominent. He looks exhausted, even after seeing for hours now.

Yoongi thinks that's what the uncanny truth is.

Yeon smiles just like Jimin. The same innocence. He wonders why one is so tinted.

Jimin's fever is going down. The doctor said he has to take some medicines before the night. Yoongi watches Hoseok come back with a tray of soup.

“Now we need to wake him up,” Hoseok mutters.

“You do that, I will try to make her fall asleep,” Yoongi looks at Yeon, “she is fed.”

Yoongi starts to hum a song, slowly patting Yeon's back. He watches Hoseok sit by Jimin's head, shaking him awake. Jimin squirms, frowning. Hoseok pulls Jimin up against himself, talking under his breath when Jimin forces his eyes open.

“You need to eat,” Hoseok murmurs.

Jimin blinks, hiding his face against Hoseok's neck with a mumbled whine.

Yoongi lets out a wince when he feels something warm and sticky on his shoulder.

“I think she vomited on me,” Yoongi curses, “yep, she did.”

Hoseok giggles, “I told you to put on the towel!”

Jimin's eyes shift onto them and he freezes. His fevered eyes taking in Yoongi who is whining about his brand-new shirt.

“This is not fair, princess,” Yoongi says, pouts at Yeon, “you ruined my shirt.”

Yeon snuggles closer to Yoongi, too sleepy to care. Jimin swallows.

“Hyung, you go home,” Hoseok laughs, seeing Yoongi struggle with the shirt, “look, she fell asleep. Kwan is in her room, hand Yeonie over and go.”

Yoongi nods, “you are staying?”

Hoseok shakes his head, “I can't stay either. I need to pack for my shoot. But, I called help.”

“A nurse will be appointed for Jiminie,” Hoseok rubs Jimin's arm, hands him the meds, “and, when Kwan leaves, there will be a daytime nanny too. No worries, they will be fine.”

Yoongi lets out a deep breath, nodding, “fine, then. I will go home.”

He goes to the nursery.

Yeon squirms as soon as Yoongi lies her down in the crib. Kwan smiles at him reassuringly.

“I will take care of her, sir, no worries,” she sits beside the crib.

Yoongi nods, looking at Yeon for a long second before he slowly leaves the room and the apartment.

Yoongi can't sleep.

He can't stop thinking about Yeon being with a nanny and an unknown nurse, while Jimin is not fully in his senses. The worry makes him twist and turn on the bed.

He knows Jimin is well-protected. He has security. But, Yoongi can't shake the worry off.

What if Kwan falls asleep? What if Yeon wakes up to no one around and needs something? What do babies feel, waking up alone like that? Is she going to be scared? What if she starts to cry again?

Yoongi curses, “she is not your responsibility. Stop worrying! Her papa got it!”

He gets out of the bed, going out on the balcony to light a cigarette. Yoongi smokes for a few minutes before he is getting inside to wear his jacket and grabbing his keys.

He drives back to Jimin's apartment. His security bowing when Yoongi passes them. He rings the bell.

The door opens. Kwan is holding Yeon to herself. She looks a little worried.

“Yes, sir?”

Yoongi looks at Yeon, “what's wrong?”

Kwan smiles, “nothing, sir. She just wakes up during the night like this. Will be asleep soon.”

Yoongi looks at the bedroom, “and,” he points, “him?”

“Sir is sleeping,” Kwan points at the nurse who came out to make herself some coffee, “he is fine too.”

Yoongi shrugs out of his coat, “go and have some coffee. I will handle her.”

Kwan bows after giving Yeon to Yoongi. Yoongi goes to the nursery, sitting on the couch there.

Yeon falls asleep just as Kwan said. Yoongi leaves her in the crib and goes to lie down on the couch in the living room.

When he wakes up, it's morning and Kwan is shaking him awake.

“Our duty is over, sir,” she points at the nursery, “you should call the daytime nanny.”

The nurse leaves first. Kwan leaves after she explains Yeon's formula and everything to Yoongi.

Yoongi is not sure who he should call because Jimin has all the contacts. He wonders if he should call someone he knows. Some help.

He goes to make Yeon's formula himself first.

====

Jimin wakes up to his muscles screaming in pain. He knows it's the side effect of the fever. He knows it will be fine soon. But, he feels groggy, his throat parched.

He coughs, blinking back sleep to see the glass of water on the nightstand. He squirms towards it.

He sips the water and places it back. Then the blinding worry hits him.

Where is Yeon?

Jimin looks at the door of the bedroom, his head feeling too heavy. He can't remember how long he was out like that. He can't hear anything either. Jimin forces himself up and off the bed.

He forces his feet to move and drags himself out of the bedroom.

No one is in the living room. Jimin makes his way to the nursery. He swings the door open to see no one there either.

The fear in him starts to worsen. Jimin blinks, frantically looking around.

“Yeonie...?”

He stumbles his way inside, ignores how cold he feels. How the fever is still making him dizzy. Jimin grasps onto the edge of the crib and looks inside. No one is there. Jimin trembles, looking around the room.

He needs to call the security. He needs to inform them.

He almost falls on his feet when he moves too fast, rushing towards the door. He gets back to his bedroom, and then he hears it.

The laughter. It's coming from his washroom.

Jimin rushes towards it and shoves the door open. For a moment, he feels like he is hallucinating.

Yoongi holds Yeon to himself, in the sink. He is playing with a rubber duck while Yeon giggles at him.

Yoongi gives the duck to Yeon, watching her bite on it. He is bathing her.

Jimin sags against the door, a breath escaping him. He closes his eyes for a moment.

“She has a bath-seat,” Jimin whispers, winces when Yoongi snaps around to face him.

Jimin coughs, “in her nursery.”

Yoongi looks startled, he gapes at Jimin for a long second before he picks Yeon up in his arms.

“Why are you out of bed?” Yoongi frowns.

“I couldn't find her,” Jimin looks at Yeon, “I thought someone took her away.”

Yoongi walks up to him, “no one is taking her away,” his voice is deep, a little on edge, “go back to bed.”

“Why are you here?” Jimin asks, reaches for Yeon, “you don't have to be here.”

Yoongi swats Jimin's hand away, “you can barely hold yourself up, what do you think you will do with her?” he holds Yeon closer to himself, “get back to bed.”

Jimin still reaches for Yeon, “get out of my house. Give me my daughter.”

“Jimin, fucking go to bed!” Yoongi hisses.

Jimin glares, “language! Don't fucking say fuck!”

“It slipped!” Yoongi hisses, “don't repeat it!”

They both glare at each other.

“Are you refusing to give me my daughter?” Jimin coughs.

“I am refusing to let her get anywhere near you because you have a fever!” Yoongi says.

“That's my daughter-” Jimin winces when another cough slips past his lips.

“That's why you should try to not get her sick too!” Yoongi points over Jimin's shoulder, “get back on bed.”

Jimin looks at her and back at Yoongi, “I will call a nanny. You don't have to be here.”

Yoongi ignores Jimin and gets around him, “do so. I will go and changer her into something.”

Jimin tries to follow, but he has to pee. He curses, going inside the washroom and closing the door. When he gets out, Yoongi is not in the room, neither is Yeon. Jimin goes to his bed.

“I don't know how to do diaper.”

Jimin looks at the door to see Yoongi. He is holding Yeon and looking at Jimin.

Jimin sighs, “come here.”

“Nope,” Yoongi shakes his head, “you instruct from there.”

“I will wear a damn mask!” Jimin hisses, “how do I instruct from here?!”

“Okay, she is staying without a diaper today,” Yoongi shrugs, “or, I will learn from the internet.”

Jimin curses, “you are so fucking stubborn-”

“Language!” Yoongi takes Yeon out of the room.

Jimin hides his face in his hands, groaning in his palms in frustration.

“Here, your breakfast,” Yoongi comes inside the room with the tray, he places it on the bedside table.

Jimin throws a pillow at Yoongi in frustration, “you are the most horrible man I know! You are the reason I am stuck here, and you won't even let me hold my daughter!”

Yoongi picks up the pillow, “you repeat this, I will smother you with the same pillow. Now, eat your damn breakfast. Take your fucking meds and get better. Then no one will stop you from holding your daughter!”

Jimin stares at the bowl, “I don't feel like eating soup!”

“You are eating what I give you,” Yoongi crosses his arms over his chest, “I am not your damn hired chef! Eat what is in front of you!”

“I will make myself something, no one asked you to be here,” Jimin pushes at the tray, “I want bread and butter. I hate soups!”

“God, you are so much better when you can't talk!” Yoongi curses, “fine, do whatever. You are feverish, weak, nauseous. If you can drag yourself to the kitchen, do whatever you want!”

Jimin pushes the tray away, squirming down from the bed. He stands up on his wobbly legs.

Yoongi watches Jimin make his way to the kitchen. He follows, leans against the kitchen counter while he watches Jimin rummage through the supplies.

Frustration builds in him while he watches Jimin. He is coughing, biting back fatigue, but he won't acknowledge Yoongi's presence.

“For fuck's sake!” Yoongi rounds the counter, grabs Jimin by his waist and hoists him up on the counter, “sit here. You are so damn infuriating!”

Jimin flinches, trying to say something when Yoongi turns away. He turns on the toaster, pulling out the breads.

“Eggs,” Jimin says.

Yoongi ignores his words but turns on the oven. He pulls out a few eggs and starts on them.

Jimin sits there, feeling tired. He is hungry. He eyes the toasts. Jimin notices how Yoongi adds pepper to his scrambled eggs. A little extra. Then Yoongi is plating it for him.

Yoongi takes the toasts and adds two layers of butter before plating them too. He holds out the plate for Jimin. Jimin takes it, munching on the toast with a happy squirm.

Yoongi arches a brow when Jimin holds out another toast for him.

“I don't eat this many,” Jimin murmurs.

Yoongi takes the toast, leans against the counter and starts eating. Jimin goes back to his breakfast.

Something clogs in his chest when he takes the first bite. Jimin closes his eyes. The taste is just the same.

As if six years haven't past between them. As if nothing changed.

“If anything is wrong, and you start to complain,” Yoongi says when he notices Jimin stopped eating, “I will shove the plate in your mouth. I haven't made this damn breakfast in ages, so there might be something wrong-”

“It's good,” Jimin whispers, blinking rapidly, “too good.”

Yoongi looks away, nodding, “good. Finish it then.”

Jimin plans to. He eats quietly, not leaving a single crumb. He feels his vision blur when he realizes this might be the last time he gets to have this breakfast. He missed Yoongi's cooking. He missed the man. So much.

When he coughs, Yoongi rushes to pick up the glass of juice. Jimin takes it from him, nodding.

Yoongi looks away, “finish it, then take the meds. I will-”

“I missed your cooking,” Jimin whispers, looking at his empty plate, “not even famous chefs make such good toasts. Thanks.”

“Leave the recipe?” Jimin tries to smile, “if it's not a family secret, that is.”

Yoongi swallows, watching Jimin silently.

“Sorry for not having that soup, I just,” Jimin climbs off of the counter, “really wanted to have this toast one last time.”

He turns to leave.

Yoongi chuckles, “couldn't have said you wanted me to make it for you, huh?” his jaw tightens, “have to find a way to manipulate people to work for you. Just,” he looks away, “go to bed. Take your meds.”

Jimin doesn't protest. He is too tired. He goes back to his bedroom.

Jimin falls asleep after taking the medicines. Yoongi stays the day, looking after Yeon and checking on Jimin until Jimin wakes up again for lunch. Jimin showers and comes back to bed to eat there. Yoongi stays that night too, making sure everything is running smoothly.

The next morning, Jimin's fever breaks. He eats breakfast while Yoongi gets ready for work.

“I will drop by tonight,” Yoongi says, “Kwan is here to take care of Yeonie. You don't need anything, right?”

Jimin shakes his head, “you don't need to come by. I am fine now.”

=

Yoongi comes back after his work. He rings the bell and this time Jimin opens the door.

“I told you that you don't need to drop by,” Jimin says, “I am fine now.”

Yoongi steps inside, “where is the nanny? Did you eat?”

Jimin shrugs, “I gave her a night off and I will order.”

Yoongi knows he should leave. He looks at the nursery and back at Jimin.

Jimin just took a shower. He smells of the shampoo and soap. Yoongi looks at the door of the nursery.

“She is sleeping,” Jimin offers, “just be careful.”

Yoongi walks inside, tip-toeing up to the crib.

He smiles when he sees Yeon. She is sleeping with her plushies all around her. Yoongi wonders if she would like a few more.

The thought makes him frown. Why is he here? Everything is fine now. He shouldn't be here. What is he doing?

Yoongi steps away from the crib, leaving.

When he comes out of the nursery, Jimin is in the living room. He is going through a takeout menu.

Yoongi looks away when Jimin coughs. Jimin stands up when he sees Yoongi.

“I should go,” Yoongi says, not looking at Jimin, “good night.”

“Wait,” Jimin calls after him.

Jimin rushes towards the kitchen and brings back a bottle of wine.

“For everything you did,” Jimin holds it out, “you have no idea how much help-”

Yoongi looks at the bottle, scoffs, “so now it's a classy shit, huh?” he looks at Jimin, “I would still prefer money, though.”

“What?” Jimin fumbles, looking at Yoongi and back at the wine, “this is just a thank you-”

“Yeah, a sophisticate way of throwing money at someone, I get it,” Yoongi snorts, “but, I don't need this,” he pushes Jimin's outstretched hand away, steps closer to him, “give me money.”

“Go on,” Yoongi hisses, eyes burning, “throw the damn money on my face,” he smirks, “trust me, I won't mind.”

Jimin swallows, “stop it. I just wanted to thank you-”

“You can just say it,” Yoongi whispers, holds Jimin's wrist that holds the wine, “why do you keep doing this?”

“It was just a damn gesture!” Jimin throws the bottle away, not even flinching when the bottle breaks.

Red wine splashes on the floor, glasses going everywhere. They both pay no mind to it. Both of them glaring at each other.

“Fuck your gesture!” Yoongi curses, “really!”

“You and your pretentious, high-class gesture can go to hell!” Yoongi throws his hands up, “god, why do you infuriate me so much?”

“You are sick!” Jimin's face contorts, “if someone's kind gesture-”

“Kind?” Yoongi laughs, delirious, “kind? You were being kind? Really?”

“Yes, I was being kind!” Jimin hisses, “that's something people do when someone help them. You are probably too unsophisticated to know it, but-”

“There it is!” Yoongi shakes his head, laughing, “there it is! You still see me as dirt, and there you said it!”

“Yes!” Jimin stomps his foot, “yes! I see you as nothing but dirt! You are still that poor guy because your mentality is so poor! You are pathetic if you thought me offering you a bottle of wine was anything but-”

“Fuck you!” Yoongi curses, “and, your high standards!”

“No, fuck you and your mentality!” Jimin seethes, “you don't deserve kindness! You are just a fucking-”

“Fucking what?!” Yoongi demands, “lowlife? What?!”

“God, I-” Jimin grasps his hair, “I hate you so much!”

“Yeah,” Yoongi nods vehemently, “yeah, same! I hate you too!”

“You are just so-” Jimin glares at Yoongi.

“I am just so?!” Yoongi demands, “so what? Go-”

Jimin lurches forward, grasps Yoongi's face in his hands and kisses him. Yoongi freezes, his eyes wide. Jimin tastes of sour medicines and cough syrups. Yoongi blinks, grasping his hips.

Jimin pulls back a little, “fuck you! Really, fuck you!”

Yoongi comes back to his senses, his hands tightening on Jimin's hips. He crashes their lips together, sucking onto Jimin's lower lip.

“Yeah, fuck you too!” Yoongi hisses, kissing Jimin senseless.

Jimin is not even sure how they make it to the couch. Both of them are too far gone to care. Jimin refuses to let go of Yoongi, kissing him while he pushes Yoongi to sit on the couch.

At the back of their head, they know they should stop. They should not do this. It's a blunder.

But, it's hard to be rational when Yoongi almost tears the shirt off of him. Jimin whines into Yoongi's mouth, kissing him senseless.

It's like muscle memory. Their bodies know each other, still so familiar with each other. It doesn't take long to undress each other completely.

“We are going to regret this,” Yoongi hisses, prepping Jimin with his spit and fingers, kissing him, “we are-”

“Don't care,” Jimin shrugs, hands grasping Yoongi's hair, cupping his face, “I regret everything about you anyway!”

Yoongi snorts, “oh, you and me both.”

They both let out a curse, breathing harshly against each other's mouths, when Jimin finally sinks down on Yoongi.

Yoongi grips his hips, kissing down Jimin's throat. Jimin grasps his hair, tugging him up.

“Kiss me,” Jimin hisses, “kiss me.”

Yoongi captures his lips, “I am.”

Jimin closes his eyes, they burn while he rides Yoongi. He knows this will be another disaster they add to the last of things that keep piling up between them.

But, when he pulls back and looks at Yoongi. Yoongi looks back, face glistening with sheer sweat, lips bitten raw...

Jimin knows, deep down, he will never regret Yoongi. He never did.

He kisses Yoongi again.

If this is the last time he has Yoongi, he'll take it. He wants to selfishly take it. He rides Yoongi with the thought that if he knows this is the last time, then he will make it count.

⛈️⛈️⛈️☁️⛈️⛈️⛈️

They make their way to Jimin's bedroom. Lips slotted together, Jimin's legs wrapped around Yoongi, Yoongi holding his thighs. Jimin curses when Yoongi drops him on the bed, pulling Yoongi down with himself.

Both of them ignore the nagging voice that gets louder in their heads.

It's hard to stop. It's hard to let go when they are so close. Jimin moans into Yoongi's mouth, each trust from the other making him gasp. His nails dig onto Yoongi's shoulders. Yoongi's hands are holding his hips, keeping him in place. Jimin buries his face against Yoongi.

Yoongi pulls away a little, his eyes on Jimin's face. Jimin blinks up to match those eyes. Yoongi looks at him, eyes never wavering.

“What?” Jimin whines, biting back a curse, “what are you looking at?”

Yoongi doesn't respond, instead, he speeds up. Jimin lets out a curse...

Yoongi reaches between them, taking a hold of Jimin, and he helps jerking him off. It doesn't take long for Jimin to cum. Yoongi speeds up then, burying his face at the crook of Jimin's neck. His orgasm hits him a few moments later.

Jimin winces when Yoongi pulls out...

Jimin takes some tissues to clean himself up.

He lies there, reaching to pull the duvet on him, while Yoongi gets off the bed to dispose the condom in the bin. Jimin looks away, turning away when Yoongi gets inside the washroom.

The silence is heavy. Jimin closes his eyes.

He hears the footsteps. He grasps onto the duvet, burying his face into the pillow.

Yoongi is in the room, but he is not moving. He is not going out or coming closer to the bed. Jimin doesn't want to have that rejection, so he speaks up.

“Close the door behind you.”

He bites back a whimper when Yoongi walks out of the room, slamming the door after himself. Jimin stays there, listening to the sound of the man walking around until he hears the main door close.

Jimin curls in on himself then, letting out a deep and shuddering breath.

☁️

“You are starng at the wall for the past five minutes.”

Yoongi flinches, looking at the door of his studio and a surprised smile breaks on his lips.

“Seung?” he springs up from his chair, “what the fuck?! What are you doing here?”

Seung smiles, “just dropping by. Hi.”

Yoongi pulls Seung in a tight hug, burying his face in Seung's neck. Seung's perfume makes him inhale deeply.

It's the same. Familiar.

“God, I missed you,” Yoongi whispers, pulling back to look at the man, “how are you?”

Seung nods, “fine. Just wanted to come and see you.”

Yoongi offers Seung his own chair, sitting on the other one.

“You look good,” he takes a look at Seung's attire, “going somewhere?”

“Nope!” Seung grins, “dressed up for you! Glad you noticed!”

Yoongi smiles too, eyes wandering over Seung's green, silk shirt and faded jeans.

“If you are not busy, let's go for a drink,” Seung eyes the computer, “it's weekend, Yoonie. Why do you keep working so late?”

Yoongi wasn't working. He was just sitting there and thinking about last night. He doesn't say that. Maybe he should go for a drink. It might help.

The knock on his door makes them both jump. Yoongi looks over his shoulder with a frown.

He goes to open it and curses when he sees Hoseok.

“Look who came to thank me for my service!” Hoseok grins, stepping away to reveal Jimin, Yeon strapped to him, “for looking after him.”

“I told him it was mainly you,” Hoseok keeps on going, “so, dragged him here-” then his eyes find Seung, “to Seung…” Hoseok blinks, “Seung. Hi! What…” he looks at Yoongi and back at Seung, “what are you doing here?”

Seung is frowning at Jimin and Yeon. He looks at Hoseok.

“I was just dropping by to ask if Yoonie wants to go out for some drinks,” Seung shrugs, “if he is busy, I will go-”

“No!” Yoongi shakes his head, stopping Seung midway, “no, I am not busy. Let's go for a drink.”

Jimin looks at Hoseok, “we should go, hyung. It's late.”

But, Yeon squirms in Jimin's hold. Her ears picking up on Yoongi's voice and her eyes fixed on the man himself. They watch her make grabby hands at Yoongi, lips wobbling with gibberish noises no one understands.

Jimin holds her closer, “let's go, baby.”

He follows Hoseok out.

Hoseok winces when Yeon starts to sniffle, lips jutting out in a pout.

“What's wrong?” Hoseok wonders, “why is she upset suddenly?”

Jimin shakes his head, “she's antsy since the morning. Some days are like this. I guess.”

Hoseok eyes her, “let me hold her. Come here, baby.”

Jimin lets Hoseok take her. Hoseok swings her in his arms, dancing ahead of Jimin as they walk. Jimin smiles when he watches Yeon stare at Hoseok, wide eyes filled with wonder. Hoseok grins at her, making silly faces. Jimin laughs, following the elder.

===

“Yoonie, you okay?” Seung asks, placing at hand on Yoongi's shoulder, “you look lost.”

Yoongi blinks, looking back at Seung from the closed door of his studio. He shakes his head with a short laugh.

“I am fine,” he gets up, “come on, let's go and have some drink.”

====

The club they go to is filled to the brim. Yoongi and Seung find one seat by the bar. Seung sits while Yoongi leans against the bar.

“You look tired,” Seung observes, both of them waiting for their orders to be served, “is everything alright?”

Yoongi shrugs, “it's fine.”

Seung chuckles, rubbing his thumb over Yoongi's jawline.

“You say that you are fine, but you are looking like a ghost, Yoonie,” Seung's voice is gentle, “what's wrong?”

“Nothing is,” Yoongi takes his whiskey and gives nod at the bartender, “I am fine, Seungie. How are you?”

“I am good,” Seung is playing with his hands as he speaks, “I went on a date last night.”

“Oh?” Yoongi leans on his hand, “how was it?”

“He is good,” Seung chuckles, eyeing Yoongi, “we are planning another soon.”

Yoongi feels the way warmth blooms in his chest, “that's great.”

“You deserve nothing less,” Yoongi squeezes Seung's hand, “I am glad you enjoyed yourself.”

Seung watches him, his eyes never wavering from Yoongi's face. Yoongi looks back.

“You know what tonight is?” Seung asks then, “six years ago, we met tonight, Yoongi.”

Yoongi's eyes widen, “shit! I completely forgot!”

Seung laughs, “I know. You are an idiot like that. We met like this too. In a cheap bar, unlike this one. But, just like this.”

Yoongi looks around, giving a short laugh, “I couldn't afford this back then.”

Seung hum, “yeah.”

Yoongi remembers it now. He took Seung to his dorm that night. He shakes his head, looking at Seung with an apologetic smile.

“I hope the sex was good because, everything else was terrible from that night,” Yoongi snorts.

Seung chokes on a loud laugh, “shit, Yoongi! Shut up!”

“I sat on that first class date last night and kept thinking of that night,” Seung sighs, looking at his drink, “how much more I enjoyed that,” he looks at Yoongi.

Yoongi swallows, his chest tightening, “Seung...” he takes Seung's hand in his, “I don't know what to tell you…”

Yoongi can't tell Seung that he would rather forget that entire year. He can't tell Seung that his memory from that night is getting kicked off of another company who refused to tell him the reason. He can't tell Seung why he was in that bar in the first place. Drinking.

He can't bring up that week. That straining week. Seeing Jimin's pictures all over the internet. He can't tell Seung that he was breaking into pieces while thinking how fast Jimin got married and broke the promises they made before Jimin left. How easily he dropped Yoongi.

He can't tell Seung that he found out Jimin made sure he never signed with a company that night. He can't tell Seung that night he was thinking of Jimin instead of Seung. He can't say any of that.

Yoongi feels guilty. He feels like he owes Seung so much for that night itself.

“Let's go for dinner then,” Yoongi pulls Seung off the stool, “let's not waste the night in this damn bar. Let me take you out for dinner then.”

Seung blinks, “dinner? W- why?”

Yoongi shrugs, “this is our anniversary. No? Be it romantic or friendly. Let's have dinner.”

Yoongi drags Seung to a lavish restaurant. Both of them sitting down to have their meals while conversation flows between them.

Seung buys them the drink, offering Yoongi some in his glass.

“We were together from the cheap beers to the finest wines,” Seung cheers, “to us.”

They were. Yoongi thinks. They were with each other through all the thick and thins. The hardships, the ups and downs. He watches Seung eat and wonders why can't he do this?

Why can't he be with Seung when Seung has always been there. Never left his side, no matter what.

Yoongi rolls his shoulders, his skin burning. He knows if he takes off his shirt, he will see those red-angry marks on him. A small hickey right under his collar. Yoongi sips his champagne, looking at his almost untouched plate.

He struggled every day to meet Jimin on the top.

He never acknowldegs his driving force that was Jimin. He drove himself past his limits because he wanted to be where Jimin always was. He wanted to meet Jimin on the same level. He worked his sleepless nights thinking of just that.

And, yet... Jimin still walks over him.

Yoongi stares at his plate and his mind races back to that road-side, cheap stall he took Jimin to. Where he said he would take Jimin to one of these finest places.

Yoongi snorts. Jimin can buy this place if he wants. He still can overrule Yoongi any moment if he wants.

He will never touch Jimin in that sense. Never be anywhere near Jimin in that sense.

Maybe he should give up. He drove himself past his limits. Maybe he should just forget about it all and...

Yoongi looks at Seung.

Settle.

Maybe he should settle. For less.

Then he looks at Seung and the idea is already off his head. He can't make 'less' of Seung. Seung doesn't deserve to be that person. He gave his everything to Yoongi as long as they were together. Seung doesn't deserve to be anything, 'less,' than perfect.

“I really hope,” he takes Seung's hand in his on the table, “whoever you find, Seung,” he smiles at the other, “treats you like you are everything they ever wanted. As if nothing more perfect can exist,” Yoongi chuckles, “I really hope you don't settle until then, Seungie.”

“And, you are not that person?” Seound asks, tentative.

Yoongi's heart breaks, “I am not that person,” he confirms, nods, “I am not that person for anyone anymore.”

Seung pulls away, offering a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

“Okay, I get it,” Seung sighs, “yeah.”

Yoongi drives Seung home that night. He watches Seung get out of the car, leaning in to peek inside.

“Come over?” Seung asks, “we can finish the night with some movies.”

Yoongi chuckles, “those sappy ones?”

Seung rolls his eyes with a smile, “you love them.”

====

“Looks like the fans' prayers were heard, rapper Agust D is seen out with his long-term boyfriend Seung for the first time in weeks. They were seen entering the influencer's apartment a few hours ago-”

Jimin pauses where he was, making some ramen, and looks at the TV.

“They were spotted at a club and then were seen leaving a posh restaurant,” the host smirks at the camera, “the fans rejoice and talk about how this is their anniversary and what's more romantic than finishing it off with a night spent in one's apartment?”

Jimin closes the TV.

Jimin goes to sit on the couch, the bowl of ramen in his hands. He looks at the carpet. He can see the red stain on the white carpet. He has to change it. He flinches when he recalls how this is where Yoongi was sitting last night. He gets off of the couch, going to the kitchen.

Sleep doesn't come to him that night. He twists and turns, kicking the duvet off of him. There are shapes on the ceiling from the lights that peek through the closed curtains. Jimin watches those shapes, his eyes watering the more he stares at it.

He buries his face in a pillow.

Jimin feels sick. He sits up on the bed, head in his hands. He wonders if Taehyung was wrong. If Yoongi and Seung actually didn't break up.

What if they were just thinking things through and then Jimin just... Jimin closes his eyes, the thought making him nauseous.

Taehyung told him how Yoongi and Seung broke up. But, what if they didn't?

Or, maybe, Jimin thinks, after sleeping with Jimin, Yoongi realized he should be with Seung. Or...

Jimin gets off of the bed, rushing to the washroom to empty his stomach.

All those thoughts make him nauseous. He sits on the toilet, trying not to break down in a cold sweat.

Jimin pulls himself up, going to the bath and sitting in it. He lets the tub fill to the brim, lying there while he closes his eyes. Trying to relax himself as much as he can.

⛈️

No matter how much Jimin tries to avoid, they have to come face to face. Their circle is too closely knitted to not come in contact ever again.

They all meet up for movie nights at Jungkook and Taehyung's place. Jimin lives right beside them. He can't possibly miss it.

“I really can't, Tae,” Jimin says, “Yeonie sleeps early-”

“Yeonie has a nanny looking after her, Mimi,” Taehyung tells him, “parents go to work leaving their kids to the nannies. You do it too. What would happen if you come over, to the next apartment, to watch a film?”

Jimin still refuses, “the nanny is not coming tonight,” he makes a mental note to cancel her for the night, “I have to look after her.”

“We all can do that,” Taehyung says, “bring her over, if she falls asleep, you can leave. Okay?”

Jimin curses. He knows he lost the argument.

====

Jimin hates how Yeon starts to fidget as soon as she sees Yoongi. Her face lights up and she reaches out. She leans over until she is almost falling on her face. Jimin holds her tightly, trying to keep her in place, but she whines, eyes watering when Jimin won't let her go.

“You got yourself a fan, hyung,” Hoseok notices first, “she keeps trying to go for you.”

Yoongi looks over, finally noticing Yeon's tearful face. He instantly sits up on his hunches, reaching for Yeon. Jimin can't say no when Yoongi holds out his hands, Yeon reaching out too.

Yoongi takes her carefully, sitting back down to face the TV. Jimin watches how he places the blanket on his lap, lying Yeon down on top of it.

“How is princess doing?” Yoongi asks, index finger booping her nose, “did she miss me?”

Yeon grasps Yoongi's finger with her hands.

Yeon stares at Yoongi's finger, grasped between her both hands. Yoongi moves his other fingers, waving them erratically. Yeon giggles, trying to grab each one. Yoongi's smile is tender, he pulls Yeon to his chest.

“I missed you too, princess,” Yoongi murmurs, “so much.”

⛈️⛈️⛈️☁️⛈️⛈️⛈️

Yeon refuses to let go of Yoongi. Jimin holds the bottle out for Yoongi and Yoongi takes it to feed the baby. He burps her too before lying her down to sleep on his lap. Jimin sits on the couch, watching them on the floor with a tired expression.

When Yeon is fully asleep, Jimin gets up, “I should go now,” he reaches for her, “you guys enjoy.”

“Mimi,” Taehyung pouts, “come on-”

“No, tae,” Jimin holds her in his arms, “I told the nanny off. I can't leave her alone in the apartment. I will see you tomorrow.”

But, as soon as they get out of Taehyung and Jungkook's apartment, the baby starts to squirm. Jimin rushes to his apartment, closing the door after himself.

“What's wrong, angel?” he wonders, looking at her contorting face, “why are you acting like this, bub? What's wrong?”

When Yeon starts to whimper, Jimin feels his own eyes watering with frustrated tears.

“Don't get attached to him, angel,” Jimin whispers, pressing his lips on top of her head, “don't get attached to him. He is not good for us-”

The doorbell rings. Making Jimin flinch.

He opens the door to Yoongi.

“You forgot her blanket,” Yoongi says, holding out the blanket, he frowns at Yeon then, “why is she crying?”

Jimin shrugs, snatches the blanket, “none of your business. Thanks for this.”

Yoongi grips the door when Jimin goes to close it.

“What's wrong,” Yoongi asks.

“I said, nothing's wrong,” Jimin grits out, glaring at the elder, “get out!”

Yoongi looks at Yeon who is sniffling, teary eyes looking at him. Yoongi looks back at Jimin, who looks exhausted himself.

“You are stressing her out,” Yoongi murmurs.

Jimin snorts, “how many kids you have that you are lecturing me about this?”

Yoongi's jaw ticks, “I am trying to help-”

“No one asked for it,” Jimin shrugs, “I have handled her fussing before, and I will do it now too. You don't need to stand here and pretend like you care!”

Yoongi glares at him, “what's wrong with you? She clearly is in distress and if I can help, why are you being so stubborn about it?”

Jimin shrugs, “because, I don't need your help out of everyone else! You,” his face contorts, “keep your dirty hands away from my daughter!”

“Excuse me?” Yoongi steps in, almost threatening, “what are you fucking implying by that?!”

Jimin does not falter, “you know very well what I am implying! Keep,” he stabs a finger on Yoongi's chest with each word, “your dirty hands off of her!”

Yoongi grabs his wrist…

“What the fuck did I do?” Yoongi hisses, “huh?!”

“Listen, I don't need this, okay?” Jimin points over Yoongi's shoulder, “get out of my apartment. Get away from my eyes! My daughter doesn't need to be anywhere near you! She doesn't need that kind of curse in her life!”

They both jump when Yeon starts to cry loudly. Her eyes moving from Yoongi to Jimin. She squirms. Yoongi picks her up in a swift motion, holding her close to his chest while he shushes her.

“There, princess,” Yoongi whispers, “there. We are fine. You are fine. Calm down.”

Jimin realizes he is trembling. He takes a step back, trying to regulate his breathing. He slowly leans back against the wall, blowing out huge gulps of air. He got too angry, too soon. He looks over to see Yoongi patting Yeon's back, holding her, still talking to her calmly.

Jimin swallows, staying where he is. Yoongi calms Yeon down, walking inside the nursery. Jimin follows then, standing by the door while he watches Yoongi place her in her crib. Yoongi picks up the baby monitor and walks out of the room, closing the door behind himself.

“This is not how you act around a baby!” Yoongi thunders, “this is not how-”

“I need to learn from you how to act around people now?” Jimin snorts, “well, maybe I do. Tell me,” he takes a step forward, agitated, “tell me, how should I act around you, you cheating piece of shit?”

Yoongi blinks, “what?”

Jimin lets out a garbled laugh, “right. Look, I don't know what you and Seung have, okay?” he holds up his hands, “I don't care, but, you had no right to sleep with me if you are with him! You had no right using me to cheat on him! You had-”

“Lower your damn fucking voice!” Yoongi growls, “and, who the fuck told you I was cheating on him?!” Yoongi snorts, “we broke up. Not that it's any of your business.”

Jimin snorts, “yeah, right. Your pictures are all over the internet-”

“So?” Yoongi demands, “so what?”

“Media lies all the time!” Yoongi shrugs, “if they see me in your apartment, they will spread shit like we slept together, what, they are right?”

Jimin looks away, rubbing his hands down his face, “listen, I don't care. Just leave me and my daughter alone. I am done!”

“I am done with you,” Jimin whispers, “I am done with your accusations. I am done with my guilt. Fuck it all. Whatever. Just go, okay?” he points at the door, “get out of my life!”

“I was never in your life,” Yoongi snorts, “you experimented with me. Always.”

Jimin snorts, “I experimented with you?” he shakes his head, “you did the exact same. What? Don't make that face!” Jimin's jaw tightens, “you were with me back then because of the adrenaline rush! You liked being with someone so out of your league! I still am. No?!”

“Why do you keep coming back to me?” Jimin demands, “then and even now? Face it, Yoongi,” he jabs a finger on Yoongi's chest, “you seek me out because you know,” Jimin whispers, “I am irreplaceable.”

Yoongi hates that Jimin strikes a nerve.

He is irreplaceable. Yes.

“If you hate me oh so much,” Jimin snorts, a laugh escaping him, “why do you keep coming back?” he wonders, “why do you keep finding a way to gain my attention? Why are you still here? Accept it, Yoongi,” Jimin smiles, “you run after me because you know I am ahead of you.”

Yoongi can see that old Jimin. That snobby, proud, rich brat. That guy who had everyone under his feet so casually. Whose presence made something burn in his veins. He sees that Jimin all over again.

Yoongi chuckles, “you are still that snobby, rich brat. Aren't you?”

“I always will be,” Jimin shrugs, turning away, “so, go and find yourself someone tamed. I need you out of here.”

“You are the worst person I know,” Yoongi murmurs, “you are right. I should go out there and be with the tame and sane person I know. I agree with you.”

“Yeah, you should,” Jimin goes to the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water.

Yoongi can't move. He can't look away from Jimin. This is his undoing, he thinks. Jimin is this flame and Yoongi is like a moth, circling that flame. Burning himself.

He can't stop coming back.

Jimin sips the water, turning away from the man. He looks out through the window in his kitchen. He can see the moon. Jimin holds the glass to his chest, closing his eyes. He feels exhausted.

He hopes Yoongi leaves. This time forever. He is so exhausted of everything.

When he turns back, Yoongi is still there, looking at him. Jimin's shoulders sag, his eyes burning.

“Why can't you leave?” Jimin whispers, throat clogged, “why can't you just go away?” he blinks, faster, to chase away the moisture in his eyes, “we are not good for each other.”

“You literally have a life,” Jimin waves his hand, “a guy who fucking loves you,” he lists, “you have-”

“Why did you do it?” Yoongi whispers, “why did you indulge me back then? Was I just an experiment? A form of entertainment? A laughingstock? How did you forget everything?”

Yoongi walks up on the other side of the counter, “why did you promise me that you will wait till my first concert when you got married in a damn month?” Yoongi grips the edge of the counter, “why did you try to ruin my life so many times? Why? What did I do to you?”

“Was I alone in all that?” Yoongi's knuckles turn white where he grips the counter, “how could you move on so quickly? Or, you didn't move on because you never felt shit for me? You know how much you ruined me?” Yoongi slams his hand down, “it fucking hurts so bad! You know?!”

“I still can't take your name,” Yoongi swallows, “it hurts so bad. I still can't go to those places I took you to because they still haunt me. If you were going to leave me, why did you promise to wait?”

Yoongi's eyes water, “I clung to that damn promise like a fool! You know?!”

“The day you got married, I stayed by my damn phone, expecting you to call me,” Yoongi laughs, delirious, “like a fool I thought you will call me, and we will find a way to escape that. Can you imagine?” he wipes his eyes, “I know you never said you loved me, but, I thought...”

“When you showed up to that cheap underground rap battle,” Yoongi's voice cracks, “it was the first time I felt like you felt the same. When you said, I can take you to a post restaurant when I earn enough, I thought you felt it. Shit, you asshole, I was in love with you.”

“I was so stupid,” Yoongi wipes his eyes again, with the back of his hands, “of course, you didn't-”

“I had no other choice,” Jimin whispers, looking away, “your love was to have me beside you, mine was to have you safe,” Jimin places the glass on the counter, “I chose that.”

“What?” Yoongi frowns, confused.

Jimin keeps his eyes on that empty glass, “my appa found out about us on my birthday. He didn't want you anywhere near me. I don't know how to explain it but,” Jimin swallows, “at that age, with nothing to back me up, I was terrified of him.”

“I never went against him, I couldn't have possibly done that then,” Jimin whispers, sitting down on a stool, drained, “he wasn't very kind about the idea of me being gay, so, even after he pushed you away, he arranged a wedding for me. With his friend's daughter.”

“I tried, you know?” Jimin laughs, tears rolling out of his eyes, “tried to keep up the facade. I tried to be the son he wanted. I deceived her, my ex-wife,” Jimin wipes his yes, “I kept staying out of our house because I couldn't face her. It was all falling apart.”

“Appa was like, we need a baby,” Jimin whispers, “things will get better if we have a baby,” he closes his eyes, “I could never touch her, I...” Jimin hides his face in his hands, trembling, “we got a surrogate. Appa died when the surrogate was two months pregnant.”

“Things fell apart,” Jimin chokes, “my wife demanded a divorce. Rightfully so. She was having an affair, I can't really blame her. Well, she wanted nothing to do with the baby. She told me she doesn't want to be tied to this mess. I let her go. I was so unfair to her anyway.”

“In a few months, I had a baby and no one to look after her but Tae,” Jimin swallows, “we both managed,” Jimin looks at Yoongi, “I don't know what to tell you, but, I wish I reached out. I wanted to. But, my life was so messy, and I didn't want to drag you in that.”

Jimin wipes his eyes, “you were doing fine, so much better,” he looks at his hands, “by the time I got some time to stop and look back at my life, it was all a destructive mess. I couldn't find you anywhere in that. I couldn't possibly fit you in that either. I still can't.”

☁️☁️☁️⛈️☁️☁️☁️

“You loved me,” Jimin's voice wavers, “I loved you too. I just couldn't afford it, loving you,” he looks at the empty glass again, “so many times I wanted to call you up. So many nights I stayed awake thinking if I should just run away. I was a coward. I couldn't leave.”

“Where would I go? Come back to you? Endanger your life? Because, I know my appa, he would do anything to get rid of you if he knew you were that important to me. I couldn't. I had no clue how you were doing. When I finally got to know, you had a boyfriend. I had a damn wife.”

“It was better to just forget about it all,” Jimin snorts, licking his lower lip.

“I was kicked out of four companies,” Yoongi murmurs, “each one of them gave some vague excuse for doing so. One company kept my songs, managed to copyright it under their name.”

“I was at the verge of giving up,” Yoongi grips the counter, “I could not understand what was going wrong. My landlord kicked me out of that basement. I was juggling from Namjoon's place to Hoba's place to Jungkook's place. I never landed a job that kept me for more than a week.”

“I lost my scholarship almost,” Yoongi snorts, “thought about leaving Soul so many times. Faced an accident-”

Jimin's face goes pale, “an... accident?”

Yoongi shrugs, “yeah. Almost went under a car. I was crossing the street. The signal was there, but the car came running.”

Yoongi pauses, something clicking in his head, “it wasn't an accident, was it?” his voice drips with venom, “it was not an accident at all.”

Jimin fumbles, shaking his head, “he promised... he said he won't do anything-”

Yoongi's lips curl with disgust, “fucking hell!”

“When I was almost kicked out of my recent company, Namjoon found out a file where someone tipped off the CEO about me,” Yoongi swallows, “the papers were signed by you.”

Jimin stares at him, “I won't sign something like that. I can't prove it, but I would never!”

Yoongi sits down on a stool, “the CEO was fond of me, he didn't pay heed to the tip. I was signed by sheer luck when I should have been signed for my good work. But, nope, I was cursed because a rich and powerful man wanted me gone.”

Jimin closes his eyes when Yoongi thunders.

“You could have told me,” Yoongi's face contorts, “I went into this mess blindly when I could have taken precaution. You just threw me into this mess headfast and left. As if that was going to solve shit! You could have warned me, at least!”

Jimin knows he should have.

“I could have consulted with someone, hell, I could have gone to Mr. Jeon, Jungkook's father,” he glares at Jimin, “Mr. Jeon loves me! He would have helped! Namjoon's dad is a lawyer! Hoba's dad worked in a newspaper! I could have found help! Why didn't you tell me?!”

“Sitting under a safe roof, being at your age, looking back at a problem and knowing the solutions are very easy, Yoongi,” Jimin snorts, “I did that every day of my life after leaving too. I still do. But, being in that position. At that moment, I did what I thought was best.”