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When someone can't control you, they'll try to control what other people think of you. This is when you set clear boundaries. How To Not Take Emotional Bait:
For high conflict and narcissistic people, their internal world is chaotic. They don't feel "ok" or like themselves unless they're engaged in conflict or drama.
When they're alone or when nothing is going on in their lives, they feel uncomfortable. They crave drama because it gives them a distraction and something to focus on. It's a hit of dopamine and adrenaline.
If they feel like they're losing connection to, or control over you, they go into a threat state. This is when they start to control what other people think about you through triangulation.
Triangulation involves bringing other people into a situation to gain validation, sympathy, control, or a feeling of power.
Examples: - a friend tells another friend they're upset with you - a co-worker tells your manager about an issue without going to you - your mom calls your sibling to them on "her side" - your ex tells selective details about your breakup to your friends
Narcissistic people use triangulation to create a narrative. To cope with their shame, they have to craft themselves as a victim and another person as a villain. In family systems theory this is called: the drama triangle created by Dr. Stephen Karpman.
In the drama triangle there is: The Victim (“I’m being wronged”) The Villain/Persecutor (“They’re the problem”) The Rescuer (“I’ll fix or take sides”)
The narrative is built when the person playing the victim role tells selective truths, and withholds important details. Through repeating the narrative over and over again, it becomes truth. Or their "reality."
If you find yourself being pulled into the drama triangle: 1. Don’t validate: "Have you talked to them about it?" 2. Don’t repeat the story further 3. Acknowledge your limits: "Without being there, I'm not comfortable in the middle of this"
If you find someone trying to control other people's perception of you: 1. Don't get into a story war: set a clear boundary and say less. Communicate directly with the person involved.
2. If someone does come to you, keep it short: "That's not how that happened." You don't need to defend yourself. Make it clear it didn't happen or correct without over-explaining.
3. Refuse to be triangulated: don't take any emotional bait. Don't get into back and forth. You want to leave the drama triangle. Trust that emotionally healthy people know there's always more to the story.
4. Show neutrality: it's difficult when people attempt to control narrative or damage your reputation. Neutrality keeps you out of the conflict cycle. It shows you have integrity and trust your actions speak louder than any narrative.
Bookmark this and protect your peace. If you want to heal from narcissistic relationships,SelfHealers Circle, my private membership opens May 1st for enrollment. Spaces do sell out. Secure your spot here: <a target="_blank" href="http://selfhealerscircle.com" color="blue">selfhealerscircle.com</a>