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Hi, if you are seeing this, I have admitted myself into psychiatric care. The reason being: I have been terrified of GHOST for the past 10 years, and I cannot handle it anymore.
For those who remember, in 2015, GHOST and I had a large falling out. In this, they would ridicule me on Tumblr, on streams, and in private. I barely was an adult at this point, but this caused a huge effect I have never recovered from, due to their fanbase.
During this time, I was contacted via email, cellphone, and social media. Multiple death threats and dox attempts. As well as this, my family was contacted, as well as my work place. Packages would arrive at my home, sent by said fans. This went on for years, regardless of—
How my relationship with GHOST was. In a pure plea of desperation: I reached out to the only person I was in contact with: Pumpkin Head. I am aware they were 14, but flight or fight kicked on, and I had no other choice, as another friend did not want to get involved.
To Pumpkin Head: I am so, fucking sorry. I put you in such an uncomfortable and crazy situation no child should of ever been in. I was scared to reach out on my own. I had to act fast, as things were getting worse, as I was already in an extremely abusive environment.
And to this day, I still thank Pumpkin Head. However, this did not stop the harassment for years. It was only when the new generation of fans came in, things finally slowed down.
Now, The Distortionist. That fucking song made me the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been in my life. I had to play pretend, and play along. While in another friend group, I was unbelievably stressed and uncomfortable, to where it made me restless.
I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t say no. I was so scared. So fucking scared. Everyone was still harassing me at this point. But I could not say no. The only thing I will say: I was not involved with the callout to Fish at all.
That PV got changed. I was relieved, but hated the song was still going. However, there was nothing I could do.
And to Fish: I am so, fucking sorry. I couldn’t stop GHOST. I was terrified. It’s no excuse. I should of stopped them. So many of us should of stopped them. We were complicit, and I am so fucking sorry.
At this point, everything finally calmed down around 2019-2020. I was able to breathe. And I started to drift away from the Vocaloid scene, so I could try something new. At this point, my communication was mich slower. At this point, I asked them a question I had thought—
Of asking for years. The answer I got was one I repressed until this week. And is the reason I’m here now. I will be withholding this information. At this point, I had to separate from them, slowly. I asked for collabs, but that was just so there was some friendliness there.
Eventually, they and I had very little communication. I did my own thing. I helped a friend get out of an abusive situation. And now, here we are, seeing them go completely haywire.
As well as the fact they never taken any responsibility or accountability for the behavior of their fans. The same fans that tried to call me a pedophile, and now, spread the BLACKMAIL attempt of STOLEN revenge porn from when I did s/w. I never got an apology then, or now.
This affected me and my family to degrees you guys would never understand. I have been afraid to walk in public. I’m afraid to look at my phone. I’m afraid to talk to my friends. And I am so. Fucking. Tired. I just want to eat. To sleep. To breathe. But I am so afraid.
Why am I posting this now? Seeing everyone speak up, but how absolutely triggering this entire few weeks have been. And if they see this, to get a FUCKING WAKEUP CALL.
I tried to get you to therapy. We all tried. It “doesn’t work only” because you never bothered. Just fucking get help. Please. Fucking please.
To my friends, I have contacted as many of you as I could prior to admission. So please, forgive me if I was unable to send a message in time. For everyone else: please stay safe. I will be back soon. I just… can’t do it anymore.