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Emotionally healthy mothers want their daughters to shine. But some emotionally immature mothers see their daughter as a threat. Let's talk about mother daughter envy:
For mothers, their daughter is a reminder of her past self. Her youth, hair, and freedom can be an emotional trigger if they have unresolved traumas or insecurities they haven't healed.
Envy between mothers and daughters sounds like: - "You'd be so much prettier if you lost weight" - "I could have done that too if I had opportunities" - "You father loves you, more than he loves me" - "You have everything, I had nothing at all"
It can also look like: - telling embarrassing stories when she's being admired - interrupting when she's getting attention - "Jokes" that mock her - putting down anyone close to her or who loves her - getting unflattering hair cuts (or chopping off hair)
Motherhood is a deep and intense sacrifice. Some level of resentment and jealousy will naturally occur as a mother gives up parts of herself and her life for her child.
But sometimes, the sacrifice wasn't chosen. Sometimes she had to give up something she didn't want to give up, to marry someone she didn't feel safe with, or let go of a dream she wanted to fulfill. Deeper envy develops.
When she cannot admit or process these uncomfortable and intense feelings, she copes with them through projection. Projection is when we attribute our own uncomfortable feelings onto someone else.
This comes out in comments about her appearance, putting down her relationships, or mocking or making fun of her goals. Many envious parents don't want their daughter to be independent.
In order to "keep her close" they become judgmental, overbearing, and harshly critical. They also become overly involved in her close relationships, sometimes creating issues in them.
The result of growing up with an envious mother is a consistent feeling of being wrong. Or being in trouble for no apparent reason. There's also fear of creating your own life, of leaving her behind, or of not functioning as her therapist.
The key to healing from an envious mother is: stopping the belief that her reaction to you means something about who you are. It's only a reflection of how she feels about herself.
When you understand this you can: - stop feeling guilty for having your own life - stop needing her approval to feel good or "ok" - see her with compassion, while knowing you can't fix or manage her
If you've had an envious mother, share in the comments...