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We’re training a generation to fear failure. Not because they’re soft or lazy, because everything they do is on display. Every test score, every game, every rejection lives forever online. When life becomes performative, failure feels like a public referendum on your worth.
When I was a kid, you could fail in private. You missed the shot, struck out, or bombed a test and only a few people knew. Now, every misstep can be screenshotted, shared, and commented on. The comparison game never stops, and the scoreboard is always public.
Social media didn’t invent insecurity, it just amplified it. We see the highlight reels of others and compare them to our behind-the-scenes. That gap breeds anxiety and fear: What if I try and don’t measure up? So, instead of risking failure, we protect our image.
Adults haven’t helped much. We tell kids to “chase excellence,” but we measure them by outcomes: rankings, scholarships. We emphasize making the 'best' U10 teams, as if it actually matters... And then we’re surprised when they crumble under the weight of “best.”
Research backs this up. When people are driven by extrinsic motivation—status, praise, validation—they experience higher anxiety, burnout, and fear of failure. When they’re guided by intrinsic motivation—curiosity, mastery, connection—they persist longer and perform better. We’ve built systems that reward the first and punish the second.
When everything is public and everything feels tied to your identity, the cost of falling short feels unbearable. So we play small. We aim for perfect instead of progress. The antidote isn’t to tell people “failure’s good for you.” It’s to make failure okay again. Create environments where effort is praised more than outcome, where mistakes are part of the process, not a mark of shame.
As coaches, parents, or leaders, our job isn’t to eliminate failure. We need to experience it. But we need to teach that falling short doesn’t define you. That it's information instead of identity. We need to create the space for people to take appropriate risks. Stop making failure a verdict. Start making it part of the curriculum.