How to deal with someone with an avoidant attachment style:
People with avoidant attachment feel most safe when they are alone and independent. They learned early people can't be trusted, and that no one will help them when they need it.
Their biggest struggle is direct communication.
When they're emotionally overwhelmed, they shut down. They spend time alone as a default stress response.
When they're emotionally overwhelmed, they shut down. They spend time alone as a default stress response.
In relationships, they easily feel smothered.
Having to "check in," explain themselves, or consider other people sometimes feels like a threat to their nervous system.
Having to "check in," explain themselves, or consider other people sometimes feels like a threat to their nervous system.
This can be very confusing, because they also can come on strong at the beginning of relationships or friendships. They have a desire to be close to people, but closeness is also highly uncomfortable.
Someone with avoidant attachment might:
- pull away when they get close
- be uncomfortable when someone expresses emotions
- feel irritated when a partner wants more connection
- shut down quickly during conflict
- "ghost" rather than directly communicate
- pull away when they get close
- be uncomfortable when someone expresses emotions
- feel irritated when a partner wants more connection
- shut down quickly during conflict
- "ghost" rather than directly communicate
Avoidant attachment is on a spectrum. Some people are mildly avoidant, while others are highly avoidant. For some avoidance comes out stronger during stressful times or during grieving periods.
The level of avoidance is different in each person.
The level of avoidance is different in each person.
HOW TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WITH AN AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE:
1. Realize it's not personal: while it can deeply impact you, it's not personal. Their behavior is a reflection of their own capacity for emotional intimacy.
1. Realize it's not personal: while it can deeply impact you, it's not personal. Their behavior is a reflection of their own capacity for emotional intimacy.
2. Give space: space is a love language for someone who is avoidant. Space doesn't mean letting things go, it means giving space and returning to issues when they're less emotionally flooded.
3. Don't betray yourself: don't get in a pattern of betraying yourself and your own needs. Continue to express yourself and ask for your needs to be met.
4. Ask yourself: "if nothing changes am I ok with this?" attachment styles are deeply engrained. If the person isn't doing inner work, these patterns won't change. This is when you evaluate your own level of comfort.
5. Build a support system: create hobbies, friendships, and family bonds outside the relationship. This will help you get your own needs met for connection.
Have you dealt with someone with an avoidant attachment style?
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