How to deal with someone who is committed to misunderstanding you:
Emotionally difficult people are fulfilled by getting someone else emotionally activated. They want your reaction. Good or bad, it feeds their deep longing for connection.
They escalate situations quickly or assume things you don't mean. Your heart might start racing. You go on the defensive. You over-explain.
You're caught in their emotional vortex.
You're caught in their emotional vortex.
When someone is committed to misunderstanding you, your role isn't to make it more clear.
Your only role is to: not take the emotional bait.
It's to stand regulated in your own emotional energy.
Your only role is to: not take the emotional bait.
It's to stand regulated in your own emotional energy.
Here's How:
1. You're not on trial: you don't need to prove your intentions or motives just because someone claims to know them.
Say: "I understand that's your perspective." nothing more.
1. You're not on trial: you don't need to prove your intentions or motives just because someone claims to know them.
Say: "I understand that's your perspective." nothing more.
2. Notice projections: accusations are often confessions. Sometimes people are just talking about themselves or what they've done.
Say: "Ok, I understand the way you see it."
Say: "Ok, I understand the way you see it."
3. Ignore triangulation: if they tell you other people agree, or a therapist or 3rd party said x, don't validate it.
Say: "I'm not available to have that conversation." Never argue about someone outside the situation.
Say: "I'm not available to have that conversation." Never argue about someone outside the situation.
Most importantly, never mirror an emotionally difficult person's state.
If they get dysregulated, loud, or overbearing stay calm. Be neutral. Say much less than you think you should and let them do all the talking.
If they get dysregulated, loud, or overbearing stay calm. Be neutral. Say much less than you think you should and let them do all the talking.
Never get into explanations.
Explanations are asking them for permission. They'll use explanations to build more and more conflict or tension.
Everyone is entitled to their own perspective.
You just don't need to take it as your own.
Explanations are asking them for permission. They'll use explanations to build more and more conflict or tension.
Everyone is entitled to their own perspective.
You just don't need to take it as your own.
Remember this boundary: You're not there to win.
You're not trying to prove a point, you're trying to protect your nervous system. At any time you can calmly end the conversation and show them you don't need their validation.
You're not trying to prove a point, you're trying to protect your nervous system. At any time you can calmly end the conversation and show them you don't need their validation.
Bookmark this and use it with emotionally difficult people.
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