"My job is to be calm and collected when they’re frantic. My job is to create intensity when they’re not intense. My job is to always be opposite the moment."
-Mike Elko, Texas A&M Football coach
You're the counterbalance.
The thermostat, not the thermometer.
Emotions are contagious.
The state your friend, teacher, or boss is in directly impacts yours.
In soccer penalty shootouts, players who celebrated a goal with enthusiasm made their opponents twice as likely to miss their next shot.
But here's the key: players who celebrated facing the crowd saw no effect. The signal has to be aimed at the team.
Targeted emotional transfer works. Generic hype doesn't.
The state your friend, teacher, or boss is in directly impacts yours.
In soccer penalty shootouts, players who celebrated a goal with enthusiasm made their opponents twice as likely to miss their next shot.
But here's the key: players who celebrated facing the crowd saw no effect. The signal has to be aimed at the team.
Targeted emotional transfer works. Generic hype doesn't.
This doesn't mean you should be a robot on the sidelines.
Low to moderate anger targeted at a specific problem can sharpen focus.
But raw, undirected intensity just adds noise to an already overloaded system.
Nuance matters. It's about matching the message to what the moment actually needs.
Low to moderate anger targeted at a specific problem can sharpen focus.
But raw, undirected intensity just adds noise to an already overloaded system.
Nuance matters. It's about matching the message to what the moment actually needs.
My simple rule: the higher the stress, the more careful you have to be.
When stress is high, our brain scans for anything that screams danger.
One frustrated outburst and everyone spirals.
Your job during those moments is to be the steady presence.
When stress is high, our brain scans for anything that screams danger.
One frustrated outburst and everyone spirals.
Your job during those moments is to be the steady presence.
First step: identify what the moment actually needs.
Not what makes you feel better. Not what lets off steam.
After my cross-country team bombed a championship race one year. They went out way too slow and didn't follow the race plan.
I felt the strong pull to light into them.
Instead I asked: what gets us ready for next week? The answer wasn't a lecture. It was reminding them who they were.
Not what makes you feel better. Not what lets off steam.
After my cross-country team bombed a championship race one year. They went out way too slow and didn't follow the race plan.
I felt the strong pull to light into them.
Instead I asked: what gets us ready for next week? The answer wasn't a lecture. It was reminding them who they were.
The next race the team went out guns blazing the next race. Probably too fast.
But they held on together and ran their best performance in years.
One runner told me: "I thought I was going to die halfway through, then I'd see my teammates and they'd carry me through."
That's what the right message does.
But they held on together and ran their best performance in years.
One runner told me: "I thought I was going to die halfway through, then I'd see my teammates and they'd carry me through."
That's what the right message does.
Once you know the message, stack your signals.
Posture, gaze, touch, tone, words—all pointing in the same direction.
Research shows adopting an upright posture during stress improves mood and lowers fear.
Your body plays an active part in regulating and broadcasting your state.
Posture, gaze, touch, tone, words—all pointing in the same direction.
Research shows adopting an upright posture during stress improves mood and lowers fear.
Your body plays an active part in regulating and broadcasting your state.
Make eye contact.
It’s a primary channel for synchronization.
When leaders make direct eye contact, brain waves actually sync up, fostering psychological safety.
It’s not a stare-down; it’s a look that says, "I see you. We are in this together."
It’s a primary channel for synchronization.
When leaders make direct eye contact, brain waves actually sync up, fostering psychological safety.
It’s not a stare-down; it’s a look that says, "I see you. We are in this together."
Don't underestimate physical touch.
NBA teams that exchanged more "positive touch" (high fives, pats on the back) were more cooperative and won more games.
Even holding hands has been shown to down-regulate the brain's threat response. It is a primal signal of trust.
NBA teams that exchanged more "positive touch" (high fives, pats on the back) were more cooperative and won more games.
Even holding hands has been shown to down-regulate the brain's threat response. It is a primal signal of trust.
Leadership is emotional regulation at scale.
Identify the right state.
Broadcast it through every channel you've got.
Be the counterbalance to the moment.
That's how you catch the right feeling and spread it to everyone around you.
Identify the right state.
Broadcast it through every channel you've got.
Be the counterbalance to the moment.
That's how you catch the right feeling and spread it to everyone around you.
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