“Of all the people in your family whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?”
In my 20s, I asked this on a first date
After she answered, I asked her to stare into my eyes for 5 minutes
Was I crazy?
I was actually discovering the secret to great teams & resilience:
I wasn’t crazy. Well, maybe a little bit.
I’d convinced my date to replicate an experiment by psychologist Arthur Aron.
He took strangers, sat them down in a chair, and gave them a list of questions to ask one another. They started easy but gradually got more personal. Aron believed that graduated exposure led to more connections. As we open up, we slowly learn to trust the person sitting across from us.
The story goes that the first pair who underwent this exercise in Aron’s lab got married.
My first date did not end that way . . . but it did plant a seed on how to create team bonds years later.
I’d convinced my date to replicate an experiment by psychologist Arthur Aron.
He took strangers, sat them down in a chair, and gave them a list of questions to ask one another. They started easy but gradually got more personal. Aron believed that graduated exposure led to more connections. As we open up, we slowly learn to trust the person sitting across from us.
The story goes that the first pair who underwent this exercise in Aron’s lab got married.
My first date did not end that way . . . but it did plant a seed on how to create team bonds years later.
Graduated self-disclosure works via two mechanisms.
First, by completing the vulnerability loop. When we open up, we’re signaling to the person across from us that we trust them. If that trust is reciprocated by them sharing something personal, our brain internalizes that this is a person I can trust. We’ve completed the loop.
Second, it primes us to expand our self.
We go against our instinct to tell only a carefully crafted sliver of our story and paint a more nuanced, deeper image. As the person sitting across from us takes in the information, they start seeing you not as some caricature or as a simple label or category, but as a complex human being. We’ve moved from someone who is partially anonymous to someone who is three-dimensional.
First, by completing the vulnerability loop. When we open up, we’re signaling to the person across from us that we trust them. If that trust is reciprocated by them sharing something personal, our brain internalizes that this is a person I can trust. We’ve completed the loop.
Second, it primes us to expand our self.
We go against our instinct to tell only a carefully crafted sliver of our story and paint a more nuanced, deeper image. As the person sitting across from us takes in the information, they start seeing you not as some caricature or as a simple label or category, but as a complex human being. We’ve moved from someone who is partially anonymous to someone who is three-dimensional.
Self-disclosure is one avenue to enhance self-expansion, but we can also get there by sharing novel and challenging experiences. When we do activities that push us outside our comfort zone, it moves us from the superficial and protective mode to showing a more complete version of who we are. This could be trying a new activity, traveling to a foreign country, or learning a new skill together.
Or it could be staring into each others eyes…
When we do real things in the real world with real people, that pushes us out of comfort zone, it opens ourselves up and we create connection.
Or it could be staring into each others eyes…
When we do real things in the real world with real people, that pushes us out of comfort zone, it opens ourselves up and we create connection.
And when we feel connected to those around us, it alters our perception of what we’re capable of and the task before us. Consider that research finds:
-If we’re holding our significant others hand while being shocked, the threat and distress areas in our brain light up less.
-We judge hills to be 7 degrees less steep and heavy boxes to weigh less with a friend by our side.
When we have someone to physically or psychologically share the load, everything seems a bit more manageable, a bit more doable, a bit less threatening.
It’s the magic of a team. It’s the secret power of a supportive friend or significant other.
It makes the difficult more manageable.
-If we’re holding our significant others hand while being shocked, the threat and distress areas in our brain light up less.
-We judge hills to be 7 degrees less steep and heavy boxes to weigh less with a friend by our side.
When we have someone to physically or psychologically share the load, everything seems a bit more manageable, a bit more doable, a bit less threatening.
It’s the magic of a team. It’s the secret power of a supportive friend or significant other.
It makes the difficult more manageable.
Social Baseline Theory tells us we share the load.
We outsource much of our emotional regulation to others as a way to minimize risk and conserve energy. Instead of feeling the full burden of taking on a challenge or figuring out how to get through a verbal beratement, our brain counts on others to help us cope. It has for a long time.
Any parent knows that you bear your newborn’s burdens, helping them soothe and manage their emotions. Sure, we develop a capacity to self-soothe, but the aid of another never truly leaves us. When we know we can share the load, our predictions of our capabilities change, shifting our perceptions of what we can handle.
We outsource much of our emotional regulation to others as a way to minimize risk and conserve energy. Instead of feeling the full burden of taking on a challenge or figuring out how to get through a verbal beratement, our brain counts on others to help us cope. It has for a long time.
Any parent knows that you bear your newborn’s burdens, helping them soothe and manage their emotions. Sure, we develop a capacity to self-soothe, but the aid of another never truly leaves us. When we know we can share the load, our predictions of our capabilities change, shifting our perceptions of what we can handle.
Which brings me back to those crazy questions on my first date…
When I coached at Houston, we created a list of hundreds of questions, ranging from “What’s your favorite color” to “What are your 3 am thoughts?”
After a long summer break, before the athletes got to running, they found themselves face to face with a teammate they didn’t know well or at all, discussing their fears and anxieties.
We were laying the foundation for moving from superficial to deep.
When I coached at Houston, we created a list of hundreds of questions, ranging from “What’s your favorite color” to “What are your 3 am thoughts?”
After a long summer break, before the athletes got to running, they found themselves face to face with a teammate they didn’t know well or at all, discussing their fears and anxieties.
We were laying the foundation for moving from superficial to deep.
Why does running (or sports in general) create such tight bonds?
You get to see each other at your most vulnerable points. Fatigued, stressed, anxious, exhausted. You fill hours of shared boredom on runs and long bus rides with conversation. Much of it starts superficial, but you make your way to the deep end.
Shared stress and vulnerability bring people together.
It forces us to shed the façade. We see each other for complex, messy, humans who need support and love.
In most of our life, we seldom are. We stay in the shallow end.
It's why in that research on shocking others…“The better someone felt about their marriage, the smaller their fearful brain activation.”
You get to see each other at your most vulnerable points. Fatigued, stressed, anxious, exhausted. You fill hours of shared boredom on runs and long bus rides with conversation. Much of it starts superficial, but you make your way to the deep end.
Shared stress and vulnerability bring people together.
It forces us to shed the façade. We see each other for complex, messy, humans who need support and love.
In most of our life, we seldom are. We stay in the shallow end.
It's why in that research on shocking others…“The better someone felt about their marriage, the smaller their fearful brain activation.”
When we go into the deep end, create real connection, we become more resilient. We fear less.
This story comes from chapter 7 of my new book, Win the Inside Game, where I make the case that our sense of connection alters our perception.
Connection is the secret to resilience, taking on challenges, and bouncing back from losses.
We are born to belong.
The world looks a little less threatening and a little more conquerable when we have others in our corner.
This story comes from chapter 7 of my new book, Win the Inside Game, where I make the case that our sense of connection alters our perception.
Connection is the secret to resilience, taking on challenges, and bouncing back from losses.
We are born to belong.
The world looks a little less threatening and a little more conquerable when we have others in our corner.
This story comes straight from my new book. If you'd like to learn more, check it out.
It's currently part of a 50% off promotion! amzn.to/4gHbxhY
It's currently part of a 50% off promotion! amzn.to/4gHbxhY
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