My mother was too busy being immature and acting like a child.
For years, I thought her dysfunction was MY fault and I hated on myself.
Until I discovered...
Virginia Satir
Here are her 8 revolutionary tools to heal families... 🧵
1st--
Virginia Satir said:
" Families are like icebergs."
"Everyone sees the person struggling at the surface. No one sees the system keeping them stuck."
In 1951, she did something radical.
She brought entire families into her therapy room.
Virginia Satir said:
" Families are like icebergs."
"Everyone sees the person struggling at the surface. No one sees the system keeping them stuck."
In 1951, she did something radical.
She brought entire families into her therapy room.
2nd--
She asked:
What if the transformation process occurs when everyone in the family can speak?
What if treating the whole family heals the whole family?
She showed that every family, no matter how troubled, has the potential for growth and healing.
She asked:
What if the transformation process occurs when everyone in the family can speak?
What if treating the whole family heals the whole family?
She showed that every family, no matter how troubled, has the potential for growth and healing.
3rd--
She saw communication patterns as the DNA of family dysfunction.
This was novel: no one was looking at communication patterns.
She identified four toxic styles:
- Placating ("Whatever you want, dear")
- Blaming ("It's all your fault!")
- Computing (robotic, emotionless responses)
- Distracting (never addressing the real issue)
She saw communication patterns as the DNA of family dysfunction.
This was novel: no one was looking at communication patterns.
She identified four toxic styles:
- Placating ("Whatever you want, dear")
- Blaming ("It's all your fault!")
- Computing (robotic, emotionless responses)
- Distracting (never addressing the real issue)
But Satir didn't just name these patterns - she transformed them.
She'd move family members around the room.
She'd ask:
"What changes happen when you face each other?"
"What happens in your body when you turn away?"
She'd move family members around the room.
She'd ask:
"What changes happen when you face each other?"
"What happens in your body when you turn away?"
VIDEO
4th--
She practiced radical acceptance.
She said: every behavior, no matter how "dysfunctional," is an act of
survival. And coping gives us strength.
The angry teen, the distant dad, the controlling mom are trying to survive and cope.
She practiced radical acceptance.
She said: every behavior, no matter how "dysfunctional," is an act of
survival. And coping gives us strength.
The angry teen, the distant dad, the controlling mom are trying to survive and cope.
VIDEO
Satir grew up near Chicago during the Great Depression where poverty, violence, and racial tension were common.
She didn't let that deter her.
Her passion for healing grew stronger.
She didn't let being a woman (in a male dominated profession) prevent her from speaking up and arguing for a new form of psychotherapy.
She didn't let that deter her.
Her passion for healing grew stronger.
She didn't let being a woman (in a male dominated profession) prevent her from speaking up and arguing for a new form of psychotherapy.
5th--
She got mothers and fathers to talk with their children, touch each other, and express their true feelings.
Watch this video of Satir working with a broken family.
She holds their hands, touches their backs, and requests family members
to reach out.
She got mothers and fathers to talk with their children, touch each other, and express their true feelings.
Watch this video of Satir working with a broken family.
She holds their hands, touches their backs, and requests family members
to reach out.
VIDEO
6th--
She taught 5 Freedoms:
1. To be seen and heard.
2. To feel what you really feel.
3. To say what you think.
4. To ask for what you want.
5. To take risks to be secure.
She taught 5 Freedoms:
1. To be seen and heard.
2. To feel what you really feel.
3. To say what you think.
4. To ask for what you want.
5. To take risks to be secure.
7th--
Satir said:
"Families aren't machines to be "fixed" but living systems of relationships that need nurturing."
Here's her on-stage exercise about safety that reveals our desire:
1. To be needed.
2. To be loved.
3. To express ourselves fully.
Satir said:
"Families aren't machines to be "fixed" but living systems of relationships that need nurturing."
Here's her on-stage exercise about safety that reveals our desire:
1. To be needed.
2. To be loved.
3. To express ourselves fully.
VIDEO
8th--
She arranged family members to represent their emotional relationships in the family through a process called "family sculpting."
It enabled family members to "see" patterns they were struggling with yet couldn't talk about--like the "blamer" or the "placater."
She arranged family members to represent their emotional relationships in the family through a process called "family sculpting."
It enabled family members to "see" patterns they were struggling with yet couldn't talk about--like the "blamer" or the "placater."
For instance, a child crouches down, and his parents turn away.
This spatial distance graphically reveals the emotional struggles this child is having.
Body language quickly leads to powerful "aha" moments for everyone involved.
This spatial distance graphically reveals the emotional struggles this child is having.
Body language quickly leads to powerful "aha" moments for everyone involved.
At Esalen, Satir's family workshops were legendary.
She would bring a family on stage, while hundreds of people watched.
These demonstrations were not just transformational for the family on stage but for everyone watching.
She would bring a family on stage, while hundreds of people watched.
These demonstrations were not just transformational for the family on stage but for everyone watching.
To this day, her books on family therapy are classics.
But her greatest impact was through her live demonstrations.
She could transform family dynamics in a single session, often moving audiences to tears.
But her greatest impact was through her live demonstrations.
She could transform family dynamics in a single session, often moving audiences to tears.
As a Ph.D. clinical psychologist from @UTAustin and a Postdoc at @Harvard, I can help you unlock your mental barriers for greater success.
So, if you feel lost, confused, or stressed out with your current life, schedule a free discovery call:
calendly.com/lorwen_consult…
So, if you feel lost, confused, or stressed out with your current life, schedule a free discovery call:
calendly.com/lorwen_consult…
After 30 years of bridging Western psychology and Eastern wisdom at Harvard, the most powerful solutions were always the simplest.
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