What I learned as a college coach: The kids who come to college...
Steve Magness@stevemagness
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Sep 10, 2025
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What I learned as a college coach:
The kids who come to college used to being pushed—by parents, teachers, or coaches—often don’t make it.
External motivation works in the short term.
But when no one’s there to push, it fades.
The key to thriving long-term isn’t force.
It’s learning to motivate yourself.
The kids who come to college used to being pushed—by parents, teachers, or coaches—often don’t make it.
External motivation works in the short term.
But when no one’s there to push, it fades.
The key to thriving long-term isn’t force.
It’s learning to motivate yourself.
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I spent over a decade coaching high school and college athletes.
And a big mistake I saw: parents who think success comes from constant pushing, from overmanaging, from being the driving force.
But what actually matters is whether you’ve built the skill of self-motivation. Without it, you stall out.
And a big mistake I saw: parents who think success comes from constant pushing, from overmanaging, from being the driving force.
But what actually matters is whether you’ve built the skill of self-motivation. Without it, you stall out.
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Our culture amplifies the pressure.
Everywhere you look, kids are told they’re falling behind if they’re not chasing perfect grades, playing multiple sports, or stacking resume lines.
Parents panic and push harder.
But pushing harder doesn’t build motivation, it undermines it.
Everywhere you look, kids are told they’re falling behind if they’re not chasing perfect grades, playing multiple sports, or stacking resume lines.
Parents panic and push harder.
But pushing harder doesn’t build motivation, it undermines it.
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When you’re the one cracking the whip, your kid learns to run for you.
Not for themselves. They check boxes, not because they care, but because someone’s watching.
That might work in high school.
But in college, when the accountability is gone, there's nothing there to keep them going..
Not for themselves. They check boxes, not because they care, but because someone’s watching.
That might work in high school.
But in college, when the accountability is gone, there's nothing there to keep them going..
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Decades of research on motivation back this up.
A meta-analysis of 144 studies (nearly 80,000 students) found that those driven by self-determined motivation showed higher persistence and performance than peers motivated by external rewards.
Environments that support autonomy, mastery, and belonging create tougher, more resilient performers.
A meta-analysis of 144 studies (nearly 80,000 students) found that those driven by self-determined motivation showed higher persistence and performance than peers motivated by external rewards.
Environments that support autonomy, mastery, and belonging create tougher, more resilient performers.
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The real predictor of success isn’t whether a kid aces calculus or wins state.
It’s whether they know how to pursue something that matters to them.
Motivation has to transfer: from running a hundred miles a week in the Texas heat… to showing up to grind at work when no one’s watching.
It’s whether they know how to pursue something that matters to them.
Motivation has to transfer: from running a hundred miles a week in the Texas heat… to showing up to grind at work when no one’s watching.
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This doesn’t mean letting kids drift aimlessly.
Set expectations. But resist the urge to micromanage every grade, practice, or assignment.
Instead, give them room to stumble, struggle, and figure out what it feels like to drive themselves forward.
Set expectations. But resist the urge to micromanage every grade, practice, or assignment.
Instead, give them room to stumble, struggle, and figure out what it feels like to drive themselves forward.
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When you force, you rob them of the reps needed to build intrinsic motivation.
When you support, you give them space to explore, find interests, and discover the satisfaction of working hard because they want to.
That’s what transfers to college and beyond.
When you support, you give them space to explore, find interests, and discover the satisfaction of working hard because they want to.
That’s what transfers to college and beyond.
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If we combine that spark of interest with support, you'd be surprised how hard even teens will work.
I watched countless teenagers run 70+ miles per week. You don't do that if it's coming from someone else. You do that because you care. The motivation is coming from within.
I watched countless teenagers run 70+ miles per week. You don't do that if it's coming from someone else. You do that because you care. The motivation is coming from within.
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Stop trying to get your kid to work so hard. Start helping them learn how to motivate themselves.
Because the kids who thrive aren’t the ones who were pushed the hardest.
They’re the ones who discovered how to push themselves.
Because the kids who thrive aren’t the ones who were pushed the hardest.
They’re the ones who discovered how to push themselves.