The most fascinating thing I’ve learned in 2 years of parenting?...
Steve Magness@stevemagness
45 views
Aug 05, 2025
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The most fascinating thing I’ve learned in 2 years of parenting?
Toddlers weigh the cost of effort.
They don’t randomly try or give up.
They observe. Evaluate. Persist...when it seems worth it.
And we play a huge role in whether they try or throw in the towel.
Here’s what parenting, science, and a piece of toy corn taught me about persistence
Toddlers weigh the cost of effort.
They don’t randomly try or give up.
They observe. Evaluate. Persist...when it seems worth it.
And we play a huge role in whether they try or throw in the towel.
Here’s what parenting, science, and a piece of toy corn taught me about persistence
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One day, my daughter pulled apart a toy corn held together by Velcro.
At first, she was amazed.
Then she looked at us, smiling and holding it high.
We clapped. She lit up.
And she kept doing it—again and again—turning to check our reaction each time.
Success wasn’t just about her anymore. She was learning to see herself through our eyes.
At first, she was amazed.
Then she looked at us, smiling and holding it high.
We clapped. She lit up.
And she kept doing it—again and again—turning to check our reaction each time.
Success wasn’t just about her anymore. She was learning to see herself through our eyes.
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To understand what I was witnessing, I turned to Dr. Kelsey Lucca, a developmental psychologist who studies how and why toddlers persist.
Kids aren’t randomly trying things—they’re weighing effort, likelihood of success, and the cost of failure.
They're constantly running internal calculations.
And the cues they pick up from us help shape those expectations.
We’re not just reacting. We’re building their model of what’s worth effort.
Kids aren’t randomly trying things—they’re weighing effort, likelihood of success, and the cost of failure.
They're constantly running internal calculations.
And the cues they pick up from us help shape those expectations.
We’re not just reacting. We’re building their model of what’s worth effort.
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In one of Lucca’s studies, toddlers watched adults attempt a rope-pulling task to get a toy dinosaur.
Some adults did it easily. Others struggled, then succeeded. A third group gave up.
Then the toddlers tried...but the toy was glued down.
The results? Kids who saw the adult struggle but succeed persisted the longest.
Those who saw failure barely tried.
And those who saw ease gave up once it wasn’t.
Some adults did it easily. Others struggled, then succeeded. A third group gave up.
Then the toddlers tried...but the toy was glued down.
The results? Kids who saw the adult struggle but succeed persisted the longest.
Those who saw failure barely tried.
And those who saw ease gave up once it wasn’t.
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Their persistence wasn’t random. It was context-sensitive.
As Lucca put it: “When they had the expectation that this should be easy... they immediately gave up when it wasn’t.”
Struggle informed them that effort was part of the process.
Ease suggested effort was pointless.
They weren’t being lazy. They were being adaptive.
As Lucca put it: “When they had the expectation that this should be easy... they immediately gave up when it wasn’t.”
Struggle informed them that effort was part of the process.
Ease suggested effort was pointless.
They weren’t being lazy. They were being adaptive.
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Lucca calls this “adaptive persistence.”
Infants aren’t erratic. They’re making effort decisions just like adults do.
They weigh past experience, present cues, and future expectations.
And that blueprint gets shaped early through how we respond, model, and support.
We teach them what to try. What to quit. What matters.
Infants aren’t erratic. They’re making effort decisions just like adults do.
They weigh past experience, present cues, and future expectations.
And that blueprint gets shaped early through how we respond, model, and support.
We teach them what to try. What to quit. What matters.
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It’s not just what they do. It’s what we do.
Research shows maternal warmth and support leads to more persistence.
If the parent calmly supports and encourages, kids keep trying.
But if they’re overly controlling or harsh, kids learn helplessness.
Not just in the moment, but years later.
Research shows maternal warmth and support leads to more persistence.
If the parent calmly supports and encourages, kids keep trying.
But if they’re overly controlling or harsh, kids learn helplessness.
Not just in the moment, but years later.
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So much of early confidence comes not from results, but from response.
When they fall, do we panic or let them navigate it?
When they struggle, do we solve it or support them through it?
They’re always learning: what is effort? What is failure? What’s safe to try?
Their mental model of effort starts with us.
When they fall, do we panic or let them navigate it?
When they struggle, do we solve it or support them through it?
They’re always learning: what is effort? What is failure? What’s safe to try?
Their mental model of effort starts with us.
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Parenting reframes performance.
It’s not just about pushing or protecting, it’s about shaping how they see themselves.
If we want them to grow resilient, we have to model how to sit with discomfort.
How to struggle without giving up.
How to fail and still try again.
It’s not just about pushing or protecting, it’s about shaping how they see themselves.
If we want them to grow resilient, we have to model how to sit with discomfort.
How to struggle without giving up.
How to fail and still try again.